Any suggestions you can give me would be appreciated!
Edit: Link removed. Please PM me if you would like to take a look!
Personal Statement Help Forum
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ColumbiaOrBust
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 12:15 am
Personal Statement Help
Last edited by ColumbiaOrBust on Tue Sep 06, 2011 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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AntipodeanPhil
- Posts: 1352
- Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:02 pm
Re: Personal Statement Help
The overall tone is too negative. The general point is that you used to love politics, but then worked as a Congressional Intern for a summer and realized that politics sucks, so you switched to the law. "I want to study the law because politics sucks" isn't a great way to win over admissions reps. I'm exaggerating a little here, because you do mention a positive reason for your interest in the law (it's all about facts), but you need to do a lot more to emphasize the positive.
Specific comments:
1. Capitalized and bolded words aren’t a common feature of formal writing. It’s easy to see why you do that, but it’s going to create a negative impression for some readers before they’ve even read the first full sentence.
2. There is some repetition in the first two paragraphs – especially the two sentences in the second paragraph that both feature the “break it down” locution. Think of a way to rephrase those parts to avoid the repetition.
3. If answering some phone calls from constituents led you to abandon politics, you are too easily swayed. Perhaps you will decide you don’t like the law after a bad grade or a negative experience during your 1L summer. You need to do more to make it clear that your reasons for abandoning politics were substantial.
4. The “Joe Friday” quote falls flat. I don't think that's the sort of thing that admissions reps or law school professors would find funny, and it doesn't achieve anything else positive - except perhaps showing that you have good memory for old tv shows.
5. “Solace” is the wrong word.
6. Type "per say" in to google, and never write it again.
7. This is generally very well written, although there are problems to do with your organization of the material and some inadequate transitions.
I don't mean for this to come across as too critical - imo, this is one of the better personal statements posted here, but it could be a lot better still.
Specific comments:
1. Capitalized and bolded words aren’t a common feature of formal writing. It’s easy to see why you do that, but it’s going to create a negative impression for some readers before they’ve even read the first full sentence.
2. There is some repetition in the first two paragraphs – especially the two sentences in the second paragraph that both feature the “break it down” locution. Think of a way to rephrase those parts to avoid the repetition.
3. If answering some phone calls from constituents led you to abandon politics, you are too easily swayed. Perhaps you will decide you don’t like the law after a bad grade or a negative experience during your 1L summer. You need to do more to make it clear that your reasons for abandoning politics were substantial.
4. The “Joe Friday” quote falls flat. I don't think that's the sort of thing that admissions reps or law school professors would find funny, and it doesn't achieve anything else positive - except perhaps showing that you have good memory for old tv shows.
5. “Solace” is the wrong word.
6. Type "per say" in to google, and never write it again.
7. This is generally very well written, although there are problems to do with your organization of the material and some inadequate transitions.
I don't mean for this to come across as too critical - imo, this is one of the better personal statements posted here, but it could be a lot better still.
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ColumbiaOrBust
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 12:15 am
Re: Personal Statement Help
This is perfect. Exactly what I needed to hear. I'm definitely going to implement these suggestions. I'll probably be back in a couple drafts. Thank you very much!
