I finished it, now please tear it apart. Forum

Woobinator11 · Post by **Woobinator11** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 2:33 am

edit: Taken down for editing. Many Thanks to all who provided feedback.

shoeshine · Post by **shoeshine** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 2:48 am

This is already very good. I have a couple of suggestions for you:

1. Make it shorter. This is way too long for the page requirements at most schools. Although it will work at your UG(I believe UCB lets you write up to four pages).

2. Vary your sentence structure and length more. You have a ton of run-on sentences with commas after separate thoughts. Turn some of these into shorter sentences. Having a few long and drawn sentences is good, but this many is bad.

Woobinator11 · Post by **Woobinator11** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:01 am

Keep the feedback coming..

Bodhi_mind · Post by **Bodhi_mind** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:24 am

I like it. I agree with the other poster above about your sentence structure, especially in the last paragraph. Also you don't bring law school or law at all into the picture until the last quarter. I think that could be done sooner. Maybe you could tweak that when you shorten the essay. I'm curious as to why law school is a necessary step for you; couldn't you just continue the work you talk about in the essay and have a positive impact? That might be something to address. Good luck!

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:43 am

Try to reduce the sixth paragraph to one succinct sentence.

The first sentence of the final paragraph needs revision. CONSIDER: "Seeing first-hand the dire reality of the situation in which Palestinian youth live has made workforce development in the developing world the focus of my life's work."

In the third paragraph, your comma is misplaced after "...Palestinian heritage,"---it should be placed in between the words "Palestinian, heritage".

Woobinator11 · Post by **Woobinator11** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:00 pm

Well noted .. how about aside from punctuation and sentence structure of a few sentences.

Cricha11 · Post by **Cricha11** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 2:11 pm

This is a strong personal statement, usually I'm not a huge fan of essays that stray from describing emotions in more detail but I think you have been able to walk that line well. You come across as determined yet are able to show that this has impacted you personally. Obviously being Palestinian presents its own challenges but I like that you don't simply say "I'm Palestinian and it was tough". Being the semi-emotional sap that I am, I really like your grandfathers quote in there.

Seeing first-hand the dire reality of the situation in which Palestinian youth live, has made workforce development in the developing world an issue I will dedicate my life to improving.

I agree with the previous poster, this sentence should be revised. It came across as fake/cheesy to me. Stating "I will dedicate my life to this" is really weak.

kublaikahn · Post by **kublaikahn** » Mon Sep 05, 2011 5:38 pm

Let go of the passive voice. Here's an example.

rtotari wrote:Seeing first-hand the dire reality of the situation in which Palestinian youth live, has made workforce development in the developing world an issue I will dedicate my life to improving. A law degree would provide me with the knowledge, tools and necessary platform to make this a reality. My grandfather’s advice continues to ring in my ears, only this time the ambivalence surrounding it is replaced with a sense of direction and conviction. If I, a Palestinian who was fortunate enough to be born and educated in the West, does not come back to help, who will?

After witnessing the oppressive poverty and lack of opportunities available to Palestinian young people, I have decided to dedicate my career to workforce development in impoverished parts of the world. My work experience has proven that one individual can make a difference, that the problems are not intractable. My grandfather's advice no longer rings with ambivalence, but summons me to study the law as a sound basis to pursue these goals. I benefit from the good fortune of being born and educated in the West. I am further blessed with the sense of duty to go back and help.

Also, less detail about the socio-economic issue and more information about its impact on you personally.

Try to avoid generalizations (phrased in the passive voice) like, "it also revealed to me the many limitations within the current legal and economic systems." What are those limitations? Or better yet, how did your awareness of the limitations change your perspective/approach to this problem and problem solving in general?

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