Need help with my PS Forum

[confusedprelaw]

Hi everyone,

I have a draft of my PS that I'm a little too timid to post. I was wondering if anybody would be willing to take a look at it and help me out, since I'm feeling a little lost. Thanks in advance if anyone is willing to help, I really appreciate it!

Thanks,
confusedprelaw

[confusedprelaw]

Thanks for the advice

[rinkrat19]

Speaking of being "replete with complex jargon"...cut out about half of the SAT vocab words. Too many, even correctly used, sounds pretentious.

utmost precision and dexterity
crux
budding
unwaveringly
augment
etc.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves with personal statements. None of the words is particularly ill-chosen on its own, but that many crammed into one short essay can be annoying to read. Just turn the volume down. Your subject matter is sufficiently intellectual that you don't need to be so desperate to show off your vocabulary. It could do with a little more emotion (it's a personal statement, not a report abstract) and a little less step-by-step walkthrough of your experiment, but the topic is interesting.

And yes, you do need an ending.

[confusedprelaw]

Haha, I know what you mean. I've been in hard science so long that I have forgotten how to write in a persuasive/non-technical manner. Any other major issues with it? Did you find it...boring? I know that I think it's interesting because I'm in hard science, but from an objective point of view, it's pretty tough to get excited about it if you don't know what they are. Any ideas how I could spice it up? And any ideas about the ending?

[edit] thanks for your feedback, btw, rinkrat...I really do appreciate it =)

[second edit] i think i jumped the gun with my response, since I think you answered half the questions I had....spice it up with more emotion/less technical writing and you did find the topic pretty interesting!