Scrutinize my PS (Very, very rough draft) Forum

[sadeshina]

I finally got myself to register for this forums. This has been a good resource for me on this journey. I need some help with the scrutinization of my personal statement. I seriously just finished this 5 mins ago, and it was started an hour ago. I am thinking about writing 3 different personal statements, and then choosing the best when I am ready to add it to my application.

It was exactly 10am on a rainy, but blustery day in May 2010. It was awfully cold for a day in the month of May, but happiness was in the air. I was finally walking across the stage to get my B.S. in Criminal Justice with a concentration in Computer Forensics. It had been a long journey in the four years I have been in college and have faced a lot of difficulties that almost derailed my plans in life. There were the issues of switching majors three times, getting an underage violation a month before I turned 21 and the ups and downs of being a college student, but finally the day has come. My parents who almost never come to visit me in college were there, and so was my girlfriend’s family who had supported me and treated me like their own son ever since she and I started dating. I feel as if I had finally accomplished a goal in life and I was finally on the path of success.

As I was walking across the stage, I looked over at the crowd of almost 8,000 people and instantly observed my supporters in the crowd (friends and family), cheering my name and making what some in the crowd would thought were obnoxious noises. I was astonished to be able to make them out, especially with amount of attendants at the ceremony. As soon as I had my degree in hand, my mind raced to just one question, what does this piece of paper mean to me and what do I want to do after I leave this place? In a way, I was scared that even though I went to college and graduated, I could still be considered a failure if I didn’t contribute anything to society with my college degree.

After graduation was over, I was having a talk with a friend of mine who was also graduating and he asked me a simple question that I was surprisingly asking myself. What’s next? It was a very short and concise question and I could not offer an answer in return. In that moment, while mulling an answer to this important question, he says, “You should become a lawyer. You talk a lot anyways and you like confrontations. I am sure there will be a lot of people in law school who would appreciate you running your mouth.”

I at-first shrugged at the comment, but at dinner that night, I gave it a thought. “Why not law school?” I muttered to myself. I know that I had always been the student who was interested in current affairs and government. I knew the names of all 100 Senators in the U.S. Senate, most of the Supreme Court Justices than all my friends on FaceBook combined could name, and was active politically than anyone else I grew up with. I was always interested in the law and how it affects not just me, but everyone else around me. I was the one who counsels friends when they are making mistakes that could not only land them in trouble morally, but illegally. I was the one who was always called up on in my Oral Communication class, when it comes to politics and law, just because the Professor knew that I probably know the answer.

Making a decision to go to law school caught everyone around me by surprise. Friends thought that I was crazy for thinking about law school, family members thought it was a waste of money and time, and I even doubted if it was a good idea since I was frankly burnt out by the four years in college. I needed some time off, but I knew that I could go down the lazy path and discourage myself later on. So I thought of how much I could get done while preparing myself for law school and the answer was getting a M.L.S. degree (concentration in Law and Public Policy) within that timespan. It was probably the best idea I ever came up with, because not only did it further my interest in the law, it pushed me to keep my eye on the ball and know that I am making the right decision.

I came to college as a risk, to take risks, and figure out how to correct risks. Going to law school will be the biggest risk ever, BUT will come with the biggest reward also. I go back to that cold, rainy day in May 2010 and am amazed with how the growth, maturity, confidence that I have gone though and it shows in my relationship with friends, peers and family. I was a confused college graduate but in a year and a half, I developed a life plan that surprises everyone who knows me.

My dad ended my graduation day with one comment that I will never forget. He looked at me and probably in the happiest tone that I have ever heard from him, “Thanks for not disappointing us”. To this day, that comment is my driving force in life and I realize that disappointment is no longer an option for me. Law school is another chapter in my life story and it will be one that will be signed, sealed and delivered.

Thanks for reading this personal statement. I wanted this to be a reflection of that day in my life and how important and happy I was to get over the college hump.

[Tom Joad]

I am pretty sure adcomms look for you to be self-motivated when you apply, so I question the "glad you didn't disappoint me" line even if that is the truth.

[sadeshina]

I am pretty sure adcomms look for you to be self-motivated when you apply, so I question the "glad you didn't disappoint me" line even if that is the truth.

Ok, thanks for the comment. You think I should remove it? (even though I swear, its the truth)

and what about the rest of the passage?

[Tom Joad]

I am pretty sure adcomms look for you to be self-motivated when you apply, so I question the "glad you didn't disappoint me" line even if that is the truth.

Ok, thanks for the comment. You think I should remove it? (even though I swear, its the truth)

and what about the rest of the passage?

I think you should at least think of a way to reword it.

[MumofCad]

I didn't read the whole thing, but in just a brief skim I noticed a couple of definite no-nos that should not be in your PS at all

1) Don't tell me what you got your degree in. It will be in your application. It will be on your resume. I don't need to know a third time.

2) Don't include an anecdote EVER about how someone casually told you that because you argue and run your mouth a lot, you ought to consider law school. This is a very bad idea.


My suggestion is that you really need to read a little more about what you should be going for in the PS. Read over the TLS book on personal statements and you'll most likely find the stuff I said above. Go to some of the law school blogs (Yale has particularly good entries about the PS) and read over the sections in the Dean Interviews in the schools' individual profiles about what they are looking for in a PS. Then sit down and start writing your drafts.

[PinkCow]

I didn't read the whole thing, but in just a brief skim I noticed a couple of definite no-nos that should not be in your PS at all

1) Don't tell me what you got your degree in. It will be in your application. It will be on your resume. I don't need to know a third time.

2) Don't include an anecdote EVER about how someone casually told you that because you argue and run your mouth a lot, you ought to consider law school. This is a very bad idea.


My suggestion is that you really need to read a little more about what you should be going for in the PS. Read over the TLS book on personal statements and you'll most likely find the stuff I said above. Go to some of the law school blogs (Yale has particularly good entries about the PS) and read over the sections in the Dean Interviews in the schools' individual profiles about what they are looking for in a PS. Then sit down and start writing your drafts.

This.

Plus, are you trying to say that you're proud of knowing the names of ALL the Supreme Court justices? 9 names...? Not sure I'd mention that. (Or the fact that you know the names of Senators.)

Along those lines, I'm not sure I'd describe graduating with a BS with such enthusiastic pride as you. You graduated college, but unless you give me some reason to care (e.g., extreme hardships), I'm left thinking "so what" after your 1st half. I know many people who graduated with a BS in criminal justice and are borderline morons.

[MumofCad]

Yes, a few more things:

1) The PS needs to set you apart and tell me what is unique and interesting about you, devoting so much time to your BS and descriptions of obtaining it tells me zippo. Everyone applying for law school has a bachelor, many have graduate degrees or significant work experience. This whole section does nothing for you.

2) No, no, no cliches (ie. signed, sealed, delivered).

3) If you don't have a really thought-out, compelling reason for attending law school - don't write about why you want to attend law school. Compelling is - well I've been working as a paralegal in XYZ firm, dealing with refugee asylum cases and I have these particular insights from that experience that make me want to get a law degree to do XYZ. Or I'm an engineer who has worked with start-up companies on acquiring patents and recognized XYZ from this so I want a law degree to do XYZ. This topic works for people like that. Or for non-trads switching careers more generally. It does not typically fit well with the K-JD crowd, because it ends up being a shallow idea.

Watch this and avoid at all cost sounding like her (right now you do): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMvARy0lBLE

[sadeshina]

Thanks guys. I welcome all criticisms. Like I said, it was a very very rough draft and I just wanted to write something that could be somewhat of a start. I am thinking of writing 2 additional PS's on other issues/topics and then picking the one that will be the final draft.

I do hear your concerns on what is included in this draft though and I agree. The mentions of degree and cliches should not be in the PS itself.

Thanks again. No are they any positives in the draft?

[shoeshine]

This topic is trite.

Start over and talk about what makes you unique.

[bmore]

Did not like this "Personal Statement" at all. It sounds like a resume/application. Not sure they will be impressed that a friend told you to become a lawyer.

[CanadianWolf]

"I was a confused college graduate..." & "Thanks for not disappointing us." are not strong selling points as to why you should be admitted to law school.

[Billy Batts]

The "not disappointing us" stuff makes it sound like your father was pleasantly surprised that you didn't disappoint your family. That is a low bar. I think you should completely scrap that statement.

[MumofCad]

The only positive is that your writing is smooth, clear, and direct.

All of content needs to go. All of it. I can tell from this statement that you have it in you to do much much much better. This would be selling yourself short.

[sadeshina]

The only positive is that your writing is smooth, clear, and direct.

All of content needs to go. All of it. I can tell from this statement that you have it in you to do much much much better. This would be selling yourself short.

That is one thing I have going for me. I am a very good writer, but I guess this just missed the beat. This is the reason why I like this forum because I am basically getting free edits on my PS. Like I said, it was written in 25 minutes and posted online for a very rough criticism. At least I have a foundation on what to include and what to exclude when starting the next stage.

[kublaikahn]

The only positive is that your writing is smooth, clear, and direct.

All of content needs to go. All of it. I can tell from this statement that you have it in you to do much much much better. This would be selling yourself short.

That is one thing I have going for me. I am a very good writer, but I guess this just missed the beat. This is the reason why I like this forum because I am basically getting free edits on my PS. Like I said, it was written in 25 minutes and posted online for a very rough criticism. At least I have a foundation on what to include and what to exclude when starting the next stage.

Sadly, your writing is not very good.

Try to use the active voice (your first five sentences use the verb "to be" -- it was, it was, I was, it had been, There were). This is terribly ineffective writing.

Avoid starting sentences, and paragraphs particularly, with pronouns (it).

Avoid negative imagery when describing yourself. I feel like you are Napoleon Dynamite. (maybe this is a flame).

Yeah, as I pick through this I realize, flame on.

[4910]

lol i don't think this is a flame.

[PinkCow]

lol i don't think this is a flame.

No I think this is for real too. But here's a pro tip for posting online, especially on these board: NEVER say you're a good writer. True, maybe compared to your 15 year old cousin, but that kind of assertion invites a lot of pointed criticism. Besides, every person I've ever known who says "I'm a good writer" uses that phrase to preface why he or she didn't deserve a crappy grade on a written assignment.

/rant

[descartesb4thehorse]

Try to use the active voice (your first five sentences use the verb "to be" -- it was, it was, I was, it had been, There were). This is terribly ineffective writing.

It's not just using the passive voice. What was with the tense changes? Past, present, and imperfect all present and accounted for. Cliches ahoy.

But all of that can be fixed, or at least edited within an inch of its life. Editing for grammar is sort of like photoshopping, no one knows what the real deal actually looks like in its natural state. That's good for you now and your PS because TLSers will do this stuff for you, but a potential hurdle once you're in law school and writing without having us hold your hands.

But your bigger problem is a lack of interesting content. I've read a few very interesting PSs that don't actually talk about their motivation leading them to the law. Why don't you try that? Think of the most interesting, positive thing that has happened to you, and write it. Interesting in this case means unique, not a graduation where hundreds of people went through the exact same script, or how your friends were startled by your decision to go to law school. Think about something you did and are proud to have done, anything from hiking a tough trail to winning a chess match against a difficult opponent. Anything where you overcame an obstacle, whether one that was physically there or not.

Good luck.

[sadeshina]

So like I wrote before, I am going to write about 3 personal statements and then decide on which one would be the best at the end of the day. I have written another draft below, which I think is more unique and hits close to home that the one on the OP.

Please read and off your criticisms. As much as some of the comments were unfavorably, It drove me harder to write a more personable PS.

Thanks all.

“My name is uh…. uh…uh…Sa…Sa…. XXXXXXX and I am six years old.” As nerve-wracking as I was on that day, I finally had passed the biggest hurdle of my life till then. From the time I can remember talking, I had always been a habitual stutterer. I remember it being so bad that my peers back then would make fun of me and I would come home crying everyday. The day I started kindergarten, I was so afraid to go that I remembered peeing my bed and tried thinking of an excuse to not go to school. My mom answered that request by putting a good amount of spanking on me and I finally realized that going to school, facing my fears and been away from home is better than getting spanked early in the morning at 6. My parents were disciplinarians who think about where the belt was first, and questioning later so I knew that I didn’t have a choice but to grew up and leave for school.

According to the Stuttering Foundation of America, stuttering affects about 68 million people in the world and I am glad to proclaim that not only was I one of the 68 million, I am one of the lucky few who have used this “disorder” not as an excuse but as a tool that drives who I am today. Since I was the 1st born in my family and due to the fact that I was the first one who developed a stuttering problem, my parents actually thought that I had a major learning disorder and they told me that they tried to convince the doctor that there was something wrong with me. It took awhile for my family to accept who I was back then and realized that instead of trying to deny the situation, they should accept it and find resourceful information for me to get treatment and be able to adapt to life. Now to make matters worse, I was born and spent the first 12 years of my life in Nigeria, which did not help my case at all even though my form of stuttering wasn’t as severe as some other I knew and met later in life. Stuttering in Nigeria was so looked down on, that below other major diseases and disorders such as AIDs, down syndrome and autism, are seen a curse from God and families have been known to try to eradicate and disown children who they think are curses and may be unfit to live through lives. I was indeed lucky that my parents saw past the “failure” that I was supposed to be and they enjoyed the happiness that I brought them since they were a fairly new couple when I was born. My parents would tell me stories of not just friends, but family members who grew up very conservative about how much problems I would be in their lives and if there was a way I could be sent abroad to family members in England or the U.S. so that I wouldn’t be a burden in their lives. My parents forcefully got past all these criticisms and kept me with them until I attended boarding school in 6th grade because they believe that not only was I a blessing, I would grow up to prove everyone wrong and be as successful as their kids would be. Life was indeed hard for me because I realized how outspoken I could have been growing up, but was dragged down by looking like a fool when I raise my hand up in class trying to answer a question or when I gave that presentation in 7th grade about the assassination of J.F.K.

Currently, it can be seen that not only have I taken control of this “disorder” in my life, but I tackle what everyone around me see as a flaw in my life. I credited my speech teacher in 6th grade who helped me develop technics like thinking ahead before speaking and dissecting information in my brain so that I won’t go back to that kid in kindergarten who hated every time he had to talk to a friend, talk to a teacher, or give a presentation in middle school. When I realized that I wanted to be learn and hopefully practice law, I wasn’t just trying to speak for myself when it comes to the law, I see myself as a piece of a puzzle when it comes to expression of speech. I could have allowed stuttering to take control of my life, but I pushed on and with the help of some peers and a determined teachers in my life, I can be seen as a success story, instead of what the end result could have been. Now, I am the first one in a class to raise his hand, or give a presentation and not feel like a burden or look like a fool in front of my peers.

Now to the other 67,999,999 people in the world who has some sort of stuttering, this statement is for them and hopes that they live life to the fullest, because the only obstacle in life is one that we allow to be an obstacle.

[PinkCow]

Ok. Being born in Nigeria, is English not your first language? There are many, many consistent grammatical mistakes in here. It feels like many of the common rules of writing (e.g., tenses, plural/singular), you've just missed learning.
By the end though, there are many on this site who will go through your writing with a fine toothed comb and help you fix all of your mistakes.
However, the big problem still remains with WHAT you wrote, not HOW you wrote it. This PS has the potential to be something interesting, but, as it stands, about 60-70% of the content is useless (the WHOLE 2nd paragraph, for instance, tells me nothing about you, and the last paragraph...wut?).

These comments may sound harsh but they're supposed to be. Everyone's capable of coming up with something compelling - don't sell yourself short.

[sadeshina]

Ok. Being born in Nigeria, is English not your first language? There are many, many consistent grammatical mistakes in here. It feels like many of the common rules of writing (e.g., tenses, plural/singular), you've just missed learning.
By the end though, there are many on this site who will go through your writing with a fine toothed comb and help you fix all of your mistakes.
However, the big problem still remains with WHAT you wrote, not HOW you wrote it. This PS has the potential to be something interesting, but, as it stands, about 60-70% of the content is useless (the WHOLE 2nd paragraph, for instance, tells me nothing about you, and the last paragraph...wut?).

These comments may sound harsh but they're supposed to be. Everyone's capable of coming up with something compelling - don't sell yourself short.

Actually English is my 1st language so that is not the reason why (I know that I have spoken English my whole life). Do you have any specific edits that you think I should make? and I am surprised that you don't find the 2nd paragraph as having enough content. Also like I wrote before, these are very rough drafts. I wrote both PS's in about 30 mins when the ideas came in my head.

Thanks though for the harsh reply.

[YourCaptain]

Never mind, thank god that was bad to read.

[PinkCow]

Needs serious overhauling, or you should perhaps begin anew.

LOL bro wrong one.

[sadeshina]

I finally got myself to register for this forums. This has been a good resource for me on this journey. I need some help with the scrutinization of my personal statement. I seriously just finished this 5 mins ago, and it was started an hour ago. I am thinking about writing 3 different personal statements, and then choosing the best when I am ready to add it to my application.

It was exactly 10am on a rainy, but blustery day in May 2010. NO, don't use a cliche like this It was awfully cold for a day in the month of May, but happiness was in the air. CLICHE, adds little, doesn't work to set atmosphere I was finally walking across the stage to get my B.S. in Criminal Justice with a concentration in Computer Forensics. They know your degree; in addition, if you're going to note that you majored in CJ, probably should explain why if it's at all contributory to your LS decision It had been a long journey in the four years I have been in college and have faced a lot of difficulties that almost derailed my plans in life. There were the issues of switching majors three times, getting an underage violation a month before I turned 21 Why would you include this? Doesn't help you, possibly hurts you and the ups and downs of being a college student, but finally the day has come. My parents who almost never come to visit me in college were there, and so was my girlfriend’s family who had supported me and treated me like their own son ever since she and I started dating. I feel as if I had finally accomplished a goal in life and I was finally on the path of success.

As I was walking across the stage, I looked over at the crowd of almost 8,000 people and instantly observed my supporters in the crowd (friends and family), cheering my name and making what some in the crowd would thought were obnoxious noises. I was astonished to be able to make them out, especially with amount of attendants at the ceremony. Sentence does not contribute you have a limited amount of space, use it in an economical fashion. As soon as I had my degree in hand, my mind raced to just one question, what does this piece of paper mean to me and what do I want to do after I leave this place? In a way, I was scared that even though I went to college and graduated, I could still be considered a failure if I didn’t contribute anything to society with my college degree. This whole paragraph is wishy-washy. We all graduated, what makes your moment in particular special?

After graduation was over, I was having a talk with a friend of mine who was also graduating and he asked me a simple question that I was surprisingly asking myself. What’s next? It was a very short and concise question and I could not offer an answer in return. Not a good answer here; should say you didn't have anything planned but were thinking of... X Y Z In that moment, while mulling an answer to this important question, he says, “You should become a lawyer. You talk a lot anyways and you like confrontations. I am sure there will be a lot of people in law school who would appreciate you running your mouth.”Why on earth would you put this here? Even if he said it, it plays upon a lot of cliches and doesn't contribute charitably to your efforts.

I at-first shrugged at the comment, but at dinner that night, I gave it a thought. “Why not law school?” I muttered to myself. I know that I had always been the student who was interested in current affairs and government. I knew the names of all 100 Senators in the U.S. Senate, most of the Supreme Court Justices than all my friends on FaceBook combined could name, and was *more* active politically than anyone else I grew up with. Your awareness of current events doesn't contribute much to an interest; it needs to demonstrate why law and how you use that awareness to your advantage. I was always interested in the law and how it affects not just me, but everyone else around me. I was the one who counsels friends when they are making mistakes that could not only land them in trouble morally, but illegally. I was the one who was always called up on in my Oral Communication class, when it comes to politics and law, just because the Professor knew that I probably know the answer. Good writing lends an inference to a conclusion, it doesn't simply make a congratulatory statement

Making a decision to go to law school caught everyone around me by surprise. Friends thought that I was crazy for thinking about law school Why? Doesn't elaborate, need to refute to show value in going, family members thought it was a waste of money and time, and I even doubted if it was a good idea since I was frankly burnt out by the four years in college. I needed some time off, but I knew that I could go down the lazy path and discourage myself later on. So I thought of how much I could get done while preparing myself for law school and the answer was getting a M.L.S. degree (concentration in Law and Public Policy) within that timespan. You were burnt out from college, so you decided to get an advance degree? Not showing excellent reasoning capabilities here. It was probably the best idea I ever came up with, because not only did it further my interest in the law, it pushed me to keep my eye on the ball and know that I am making the right decision.

I came to college as a risk, to take risks, and figure out how to correct risks. Going to law school will be the biggest risk ever, BUT will come with the biggest reward also. I go back to that cold, rainy day in May 2010 and am amazed with how the growth, maturity, confidence that I have gone though and it shows in my relationship with friends, peers and family. I was a confused college graduate but in a year and a half, I developed a life plan that surprises everyone who knows me.

My dad ended my graduation day with one comment that I will never forget. He looked at me and probably in the happiest tone that I have ever heard from him, “Thanks for not disappointing us” This adds nothing, and merely adds an inference that disappointment was a possibility To this day, that comment is my driving force in life and I realize that disappointment is no longer an option for me. Law school is another chapter in my life story and it will be one that will be signed, sealed and delivered.

Thanks for reading this personal statement. I wanted this to be a reflection of that day in my life and how important and happy I was to get over the college hump.

Needs serious overhauling, or you should perhaps begin anew.

Yes, bypass that one. I posted anyone in this thread.

[PinkCow]

Ok. Being born in Nigeria, is English not your first language? There are many, many consistent grammatical mistakes in here. It feels like many of the common rules of writing (e.g., tenses, plural/singular), you've just missed learning.
By the end though, there are many on this site who will go through your writing with a fine toothed comb and help you fix all of your mistakes.
However, the big problem still remains with WHAT you wrote, not HOW you wrote it. This PS has the potential to be something interesting, but, as it stands, about 60-70% of the content is useless (the WHOLE 2nd paragraph, for instance, tells me nothing about you, and the last paragraph...wut?).

These comments may sound harsh but they're supposed to be. Everyone's capable of coming up with something compelling - don't sell yourself short.

Actually English is my 1st language so that is not the reason why (I know that I have spoken English my whole life). Do you have any specific edits that you think I should make? and I am surprised that you don't find the 2nd paragraph as having enough content. Also like I wrote before, these are very rough drafts. I wrote both PS's in about 30 mins when the ideas came in my head.

Thanks though for the harsh reply.

It wasn't that the 2nd paragraph didn't have enough content, it's just that the content wasn't really relevant. Think about it this way: no matter what form your PS takes, it is, at its heart, a persuasive essay. Why should adcoms be interested in you? Why is law school a good fit for you? Why are you special? Etc etc. 2 pages (typically) is not much at all. To that end, you want to use those 2 pages to make the most compelling case for you as possible. In telling your "story", you will likely have to include things that don't really help your case, but help make it easier for the reader to understand the background. However, this should not dominate your writing. In your case, the 2nd paragraph did that. Some of it could have been useful background info, but it swallowed your paper with its narration and didn't tell me anything about who you are and why I should care about you beyond the fact that you had a stutter and your parents sent you to boarding school.

**Also, P2 tells me about your parents, but you're passive during nearly all of the paragraph (thing were happening TO you, not BY you). That doesn't help.