2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique Forum

[beta]

removed for editing

[Cupidity]

"immediate and extended family" = family

fix to say, "the first person in my family."

[Cupidity]

As a Jain member of the student body, I hope to continue sharing the lessons I had learned as a child and to learn from the alternate thoughts and ways of being of my peers. [/color]

This is one of the least readable sentences I have encountered today, and I am currently working on a pro-se prisoner's brief.

[beta]

i think first in the family is good, thanks.

any help tightening the first paragraph would be awesome. i know my conclusion is incoherent..im working on ideas.

[CanadianWolf]

DELETE: Delete the last sentence of the final paragraph " I look forward to representing Jainism on campus...".

CONSIDER: Ending the first paragraph at "...different beliefs." (DELETE: ";the hilarity of being called Grass Lover...".