Non-traditional PS format, need a critique Forum

[sach1282]

Need to swap, PM!

[Kilpatrick]

Dude you need to start over. Get rid of the quotes. Don't talk about Churchill's philosophies. "I’ve strived to overcome myself in the most Nietzschien sense."?? Don't ever write a sentence like this again in your life.

The overall structure is kind of corny but it's fine if that's really the direction you want to go. The theme is decent. I would go with less examples though. I started skimming after the second one. Teaching philosophy, jumping off cliffs, walking to Florida. Those three are enough right there.

[MumofCad]

I would lose the initial quote and add something more explicit to the beginning to connect the ideas presented. I too started skimming without a sense of where it was going.

I think that is a product also of the fact that the little moments seem to lack direction, connection, or purpose. What are you learning from each of them? That you can do different things?

Finally, the last paragraph turns me off.

I think it is original and has promise. It needs a little more clarity of purpose though and reflection in the choice of moments. Why is it revealing to you that you can scuba dive? Or jump off a cliff or what not? These seem like choices you can make or not make, but don't necessarily require any self-reflection or personal growth to achieve.

I would take out jumping off cliffs for sure, nothing really there. Take out scuba diving. The rest could be interesting with some tweaking.

[blurbz]

I think the comments above might be a little too nice, but I'm not overly concerned about that.

The biggest suggestion that I'll make is to take out the bit about jumping off a cliff when you apply to Cornell. If you don't know why, then google it.

[firemed]

I think the comments above might be a little too nice, but I'm not overly concerned about that.

The biggest suggestion that I'll make is to take out the bit about jumping off a cliff when you apply to Cornell. If you don't know why, then google it.

Also, as above get rid of the quotes.

Also also, I don't like the format. I didn't read more than a few paragraphs in, partly because of that.

[sach1282]

I get most of the comments but I honestly don't get what's so bad about the cliff jumping? I'm terrified of heights, but I ended up jumping off a 60 foot cliff in the Ithaca gorges just for the sake of overcoming that fear. Where do you guys get off the train?

[Kilpatrick]

I get most of the comments but I honestly don't get what's so bad about the cliff jumping? I'm terrified of heights, but I ended up jumping off a 60 foot cliff in the Ithaca gorges just for the sake of overcoming that fear. Where do you guys get off the train?

Cornell students commit suicide by jumping into those gorges. It might be a sensitive subject around there

[sach1282]

Oh.

Well that makes sense.

[thederangedwang]

any chance you could post your ps back up and/or pm it to me? I want to read it based on the comments

[sach1282]

PM sent. Anyone else who wants to read it can PM me. I'm just uncomfortable leaving it out in the open internet for more than half an hour.

[sach1282]

Edit: Removed.

[sparty99]

this PS does not make sense and is horribly written.

[firemed]

First four sentences are good... but look, it isn't great yet. In fact it isn't even good, overall. You need to find people to trade PSes with, so you can edit on each other. Find people on here you like and trust... and whom, unlike me, aren't going to law school next week and have time to look over them.... like your fellow 0Ls on here.

This will not only help you (it gives you other PSes to read and think about to help you think about yours more critically, as well as getting yours edited and criticized) but will also keep your PS from being subject to public ridicule.

I am saying this to be nice, not harsh, sorry if it comes off that way I am having a bad day.

[delusional]

Hmmm. I'ma go ahead and disagree with the people who didn't like it. I'm a sucker for self-actualization, and your angle is unique. IMO you have two major challenges - presenting yourself as competent despite your fears, and conversely, presenting your fears as an obstacle that is objectively more challenging than fear is to other people. It's a fine line but if you can walk it, your PS will stand out. In the above version, though, I'm not quite convinced that you have any more phobias than the next guy, especially after the first paragraph.

[sach1282]

I've had a post up in the swapping PS section for a while, but no PMs. If anyone wants to trade, let me know.

[Eichörnchen]

Dude you need to start over. Get rid of the quotes. Don't talk about Churchill's philosophies. "I’ve strived to overcome myself in the most Nietzschien sense."?? Don't ever write a sentence like this again in your life.

The overall structure is kind of corny but it's fine if that's really the direction you want to go. The theme is decent. I would go with less examples though. I started skimming after the second one. Teaching philosophy, jumping off cliffs, walking to Florida. Those three are enough right there.

gonna have to agree with that, even without context.