PS critique? Forum

[Successful24]

DRAFT #2: A little better I think, still would love feedback! Thanks!


I was once made a victim in my own body. Violated and invaded against my will, exploited for parts I did not even understand yet. I had been captured and trapped at the age of six, secluded and observed then overcome and conquered, like a caught cocooned caterpillar turned butterfly, trapped in a pickle jar with one hole poked in the cover for air. I still had time left to be naïve of the winds, sheltered in my protective shell. But I was required to shed that cocoon as a defense against my capturer. For fear of being seen as a victim I changed my outer appearance, to prove I could still control something. Yet even after being released, I was always in some way at the mercy of the person who owned the jar. There is freedom in attaining justice, and I’d like to be a part of the mechanism that contributes to the “real release” emotion found in that justice.

The trauma I experienced as a “caterpillar,” has led me toward my interests and passion for Criminal and Juvenile Law. I have always seen law school in my future. It’s the ideal way for me to delve into juvenile justice policy, speak for children and their rights, affect lives and play a vital role in a system known for seeking and attaining justice for all those who deserve that much. Ultimately, I yearn to make an impact, one that is bigger than me and my trauma. I can make a profound difference through understanding and applying the law. As a Law student, I know that I can continue my efforts toward making an impact, whether it is in a classroom during a discussion or in the world, during the clinics I look forward to partaking in.

In the mean time, I continue to acquaint myself with the law beyond my undergraduate studies, and make an impact in other forms. While mentoring and volunteering, I witnessed firsthand what the system can do for a child who feels they have nothing left to lose but life itself. Because of the justice system, my Mentee was removed from a home where she was constantly captured in a jar I am all too familiar with. Her grades improved, she was happier, and she was given a second chance to enjoy being the caterpillar she never got to be. I smile every time I think about the possibilities returned to her, when she regained some remnants of the childhood that was stolen from her through the justice system. I recognize that our system cannot always free every one. However, there is much to be cherished in a system that offers the possibility, the chance to be freed.

I also worked at a residential facility for abused and traumatized girls, aged twelve to twenty-one. Whether from the Department of Youth Services, Department of Mental Health Services, or Department of Children and Families, all of my clients had come into contact with the justice System at some point in their young lives. Reading the files of these clients’ only told half their story. I could never forget one client, E. She had witnessed her mother commit a drug overdose suicide and had subsequently began using an array of over the counter drugs herself. E, was fifteen years old. She told me how all her life she was taken from and returned to her mother’s custody. Her mother had been on probation for drug charges when she killed herself. Speaking to and forming close bonds with clients revealed a curious tale about the cycle of criminality and self-harming that had engulfed so many of them. I began to question things about the system and how it relates to the unfortunate events children like E, survived. How could our system have intervened more effectively? Sooner? How has our system helped or hurt this child? How can the law impact these clients’ lives as well as the lives of children not yet in this predicament? How can I be a necessary force within the entirety of that impact?

I have heard many clients offer opinions about the answers to these questions as well as others. While doing so, I found that initially, impact can be made through listening to those you wish to impact. I vow to never forget this on my journey to make an impact by way of law. I wish I knew and understood the extent of the answers. Even so, I know that the law, and the way it works is ever changing. Because of this I am always analyzing, considering all aspects of a question or an answer, thinking critically, and compulsively. These habits will only mature in a law school environment where I can, not only learn how to find answers to my inquiries, but learn how to best act on the issues I value most, based on those answers.

[Successful24]

Thanks to all who took the time. I am going back to the drawing board. I have plenty of time to get it down pack, and I have no doubts that I will write a winner eventually. For now, I will continue to brainstorm!

[Paraflam]

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[Successful24]

IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST! This version is the one that needs revision, please & thanks!

New draft:

I was once made a victim in my own body. Violated and invaded, exploited for parts I did not yet understand. I had been captured by a familiar hand at the age of six, secluded and observed then overcome, like a cocooned caterpillar, trapped in a pickle jar with one hole poked in the cover for air. I still had time left to be naïve, sheltered in my protective shell. But I chose to shed that cocoon, to become a butterfly. The metamorphosis allowed me to regain some of the control my captor stole from me. After being released, I was often in some way at the mercy of the person who owned the jar. That has changed for me.

A similar feeling of entrapment must have engulfed my clients. I began working at a residential facility for abused, mentally ill and traumatized girls. I wanted to learn more about the role of the criminal justice system in the lives of young abuse victims. The facility treated girls from a variety of backgrounds, but they were all caterpillars in some way. This made me particularly sensitive to their ordeals and perhaps unsurprisingly, has manifested in an interest in criminal, juvenile and family law.

One client, Meagan, had come to us after five years of violence and sexual abuse at the hands of her step-father. She told me how all her life, everyone who should have protected her had eventually betrayed her. Stories like Meagan’s tested my ability to remain dispassionate, at least externally. As a Clinical Counselor, I could never tell a client just how much I could relate to them. I reassured her, telling her she was a survivor who could only heal from her tribulations. For a while, my inevitable identification with clients’ pain made me uneasy.

Lawyers worked in Meagan’s best interest to regain remnants of the security stolen from her. Prosecutors were able to win their case against Meagan’s father and he was incarcerated for his crimes. Those representing Meagan made a strong enough case to have her removed from her mother’s custody, considering her mother a secondary abuser. Because of the legal system, Meagan was able to receive treatment at the residential facility. While she was not allowed visits from her mother, Meagan told me how happy she was that her step-dad “couldn’t hurt them anymore.”

Client’s like Meagan reminded me that one can only fly, once they get their wings. There is no going back or crawling. There is only moving forward, shedding the cocoon and flying. I have healed in watching others heal. They have given me hope and my wings are stronger than ever. So strong that I want to help children through legal means to bring forth the happiness Meagan spoke of.

In that jar, my imagination could not fathom fluttering wings. Now, whilst I fly, I maintain compassion for children caught in the juvenile justice system because of abuse. Many roles are essential in saving an abused child and leading them toward a successful future, from a guardian ad litem and probation officer, to a social worker, school counselor or judge.

I may represent underserved populations in family courts, to help remove children like Meagan from the custody of whoever is harming their progress. In the form of criminal law, I might prosecute predators and offenders who cause harm unto others. Maybe in juvenile courts, I will act as the juvenile defender, advising the judge on how next to proceed with a youthful or status offender’s case. I am no superhero, but I have experienced working the treatment aspect of the system and I can honestly say lives have impacted me, while I have impacted lives. I believe legal advocacy and law is where I am destined to make and receive a more profound impact.

[crumpetsandtea]

Dude, stop bumping this person's thread. You already made one of your own, you don't have to bump 2 threads with the same PS in it every time you revise it. Just stick to your own thread. (:

[Successful24]

Dude, stop bumping this person's thread. You already made one of your own, you don't have to bump 2 threads with the same PS in it every time you revise it. Just stick to your own thread. (:

LOL. I am new to this site but I figure I'd get more people who are willing to veiw PS if I piggy abck on other threads. But haaha, I get it.

[crumpetsandtea]

Dude, stop bumping this person's thread. You already made one of your own, you don't have to bump 2 threads with the same PS in it every time you revise it. Just stick to your own thread. (:

LOL. I am new to this site but I figure I'd get more people who are willing to veiw PS if I piggy abck on other threads. But haaha, I get it.

TBH it is kind of a rude thing to do, since it takes attention away from the person's original PS. One thread is ok since you're a n00b, but it seems like you're just hijacking other threads too (ie, one in the transfer students forum). It's not fair to others who would like their PS's reviewed as well. Just stick to your own thread from now on, and bump it if you need more critique. It will earn you a lot more goodwill on the forums, and more people will want to help you out as a result (:

[Successful24]

Dude, stop bumping this person's thread. You already made one of your own, you don't have to bump 2 threads with the same PS in it every time you revise it. Just stick to your own thread. (:

LOL. I am new to this site but I figure I'd get more people who are willing to veiw PS if I piggy abck on other threads. But haaha, I get it.

TBH it is kind of a rude thing to do, since it takes attention away from the person's original PS. One thread is ok since you're a n00b, but it seems like you're just hijacking other threads too (ie, one in the transfer students forum). It's not fair to others who would like their PS's reviewed as well. Just stick to your own thread from now on, and bump it if you need more critique. It will earn you a lot more goodwill on the forums, and more people will want to help you out as a result (:

I get it. I really didn't know it was frowned upon. I have no idea how these blog things work. Now I know.