Help on Ohio Personal Statement....PLEASE. Really need help. Forum

[osumccoy.348]

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[osumccoy.348]

It wont let me tab the paragraphs. Sorry everyone.

[cmraider]

Every now and then I try to read a PS and hope to give a good critique (even tho mine blew), but I counted four grammatical errors through the first three sentences. Then I stopped reading.

EDIT: I tried to read it again, and still had to take a break barely into it. The first graph alone is rife with grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. I don't know what kind of "feedback" you are looking for, but if it's difficult to read, then people won't read it.

[osumccoy.348]

Well, I posted not to impress anybody but to get feedback. Please submit feedback, otherwise I'm not interested.

[osumccoy.348]

Its not so much that I'm trying to name drop, but rather convey my interesting background in a way that demonstrates their influence. I do not have the most impressive grades because of a personal tragedy so I'm trying to show that I have potential as a law student.

[FloridaCoastalorbust]

increased use of professor office hours

Yikes

[cmraider]

Its not so much that I'm trying to name drop, but rather convey my interesting background in a way that demonstrates their influence. I do not have the most impressive grades because of a personal tragedy so I'm trying to show that I have potential as a law student.

The problem with the name dropping isn't that it's pretentious, but that it's NOT ABOUT YOU. Law schools don't care what your grandparents did. They want to know what you did. I would re-write this, but take more of a focus on yourself and your accomplishments.

'Nother EDIT: I think most people on here would agree that the personal tragedy stuff would best be saved for an addendum, unless you can use that anecdote to demonstrate how the tragedy effected a change in you.

[bmore]

I stopped reading after the first paragraph. Poorly written and I don't think insulting people is really going to win you favor.

[osumccoy.348]

I'm sorry but before you tell me to re-write this, I would re-READ this. After mentioning each grandparent, I say how they have influenced me to be the person I am. Just because not every single line is about me, I make sure it comes back to directly relate to me.

And again, re-read the personal tragedy part. I clearly outline how it changed my attitude in school and life to form someone whom I believe to be a great candidate for law school. ME.

Its not so much that I'm trying to name drop, but rather convey my interesting background in a way that demonstrates their influence. I do not have the most impressive grades because of a personal tragedy so I'm trying to show that I have potential as a law student.

The problem with the name dropping isn't that it's pretentious, but that it's NOT ABOUT YOU. Law schools don't care what your grandparents did. They want to know what you did. I would re-write this, but take more of a focus on yourself and your accomplishments.

'Nother EDIT: I think most people on here would agree that the personal tragedy stuff would best be saved for an addendum, unless you can use that anecdote to demonstrate how the tragedy effected a change in you.

[osumccoy.348]

Thanks, feedback is what I asked for. I'm not trying to win favor, this isn't a beauty pageant. I'm asking for help and if you can't offer that then uselessly try to rip someone else apart.

I stopped reading after the first paragraph. Poorly written and I don't think insulting people is really going to win you favor.

[amers73]

You spend a lot of time talking about other people and almost no time talking about yourself. Adcoms aren't going be impressed if the only thing you have going for you is your background. Talk about your own accomplishments instead of everything your family members have done.

I developed an astute and uncanny writing ability through rigorous political science courses and an analytical mindset through my criminology minor.

If you have uncanny writing ability plz demonstrate by showing mastery of grammar.

PS. most of the personal statement should be about you. Period.

[cmraider]

I'm sorry but before you tell me to re-write this, I would re-READ this. After mentioning each grandparent, I say how they have influenced me to be the person I am. Just because not every single line is about me, I make sure it comes back to directly relate to me.

And again, re-read the personal tragedy part. I clearly outline how it changed my attitude in school and life to form someone whom I believe to be a great candidate for law school. ME.

Its not so much that I'm trying to name drop, but rather convey my interesting background in a way that demonstrates their influence. I do not have the most impressive grades because of a personal tragedy so I'm trying to show that I have potential as a law student.

The problem with the name dropping isn't that it's pretentious, but that it's NOT ABOUT YOU. Law schools don't care what your grandparents did. They want to know what you did. I would re-write this, but take more of a focus on yourself and your accomplishments.

'Nother EDIT: I think most people on here would agree that the personal tragedy stuff would best be saved for an addendum, unless you can use that anecdote to demonstrate how the tragedy effected a change in you.

This is a forum where people post their PS, take their licks, and hopefully are better for it. I don't need to re-read it because I know that for every sentence you spend talking about yourself, there are three sentences talking about someone else. To say you "clearly" outline it is wrong. It may be clear to you, but it isn't to me. Every single line in you PS should be about you. It's a PERSONAL statement.

I still remember my first law school class. Only my experience was not as an enrolled student but rather as

the son of an enrolled student. I was seven and my mother was attending classes and allowed me to come

with her. It began the first of many times I would attend law related events with my mother and with it inspire

me to apply to law school after college. My drive to study of law would carry into my adult life, and with my

current aspirations request admission to Capital University Law School. There are many reasons for applying to

law school and mine rest primarily within my background and chosen life course.

I come from a fairly humble background; my family was never the elite-bourgeoisie profile presumptuous

of the typical Upper Arlington family but we always embraced the idea of family in an affluent manner. I

believe I descended from a lineage that has benefitted me in an enormous way. On my father’s side, my

grandfather is an NBA Hall of Fame broadcaster for the Phoenix Suns. He has written books, coined infamous

catch phrases and met most of the NBA’s greatest players. Through countless interactions I have developed

what can only be described as an inherent radio personality. I consider myself witty, sharp and an excellent

public speaker; all characteristics for success in radio, as well as characteristics for a successful lawyer. On my

mother’s side, my grandfather was an Ivy League biochemist, once the associate dean of the Ohio State

University College of Medicine. He had published numerous articles and devotedly returned for research at the

university until his recent passing. I believe my mother’s side of the family graced me with invaluable intellect

and tremendous ability to excel. I mention these backgrounds because of their influence in my life. The last

two years, however, resonated a different tone than what I had been accustomed to.

My parents divorced when I was young and have since been raised by my mother. She balanced raising

three kids while attending classes in law school, earning distinctive honors and her LLM in business and

taxation here at Capital. This was something I would always value as it demonstrated the deep, unequivocal

sacrifice for the greater good of our family. For these reasons, she became my role model and my beacon for

overcoming adversity. My mother was battling diabetes and severe liver disease and with the passing of my

grandfather devastated me. It devastated me emotionally and academically as I spent a large amount of time at

the hospital and at home helping out which threw me in a downward spiral with school. I saw how much

potential my mother had as she overcame some of the most remarkable feats throughout her entire life. At the

same time, I saw my seemingly mediocre academic work and saw how much potential I had not lived up to. I

realized then that I could change my situation whereas my mother and grandfather could not. They always

taught me to never deny the inevitable and to accept certain fates. I took their wisdom sincerely and with it

began a more dignified, academically driven life course. I started becoming increasingly active in school, which

resulted in increased use of professor office hours, more meaningful coursework and thoughtful participation. I

believe I demonstrated those characteristics heavily during my senior year and though my overall record does

not attest to consistency, I assert that these changes in attitude and lifestyle reflect my potential for success as

a law student.

I have the tools from within my childhood and from developing an academic plan that reflects the abilities

strained most in law school; reading and writing within a logical reasoning frame. I read US Supreme Court

decisions like English majors read short stories or narratives, interpreting and hanging on every word with a

sense of literary acclaim.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(I'M STILL WORKING ON MY CONCLUSION, BELOW ARE JUST SOME UNORGANIZED/RANDOM POINTS/LINES I WANTED TO INCLUDE, ANY HELP ON A CONCLUSION IS WELCOME AS WELL)

In my opinion, I have the potential to make an impressionable and influential law student. I believe given this background and these assets I will be successful as a law student and noble as an attorney.
I happened to find my niche in American jurisprudence within a political context. I developed an astute and uncanny writing ability through rigorous political science courses and an analytical mindset through my criminology minor. It would appear, then, that I was both bred and groomed for a life in law school.

I'm just trying to point out what I'm talking about. All the stuff in red is about someone other than you. What exactly are you looking for by posting this? Do you just want people to tell you awesome show, great job? Your PS may get ripped apart, but hopefully the end will justify the means because you will get honest, unabashed criticism that will help you turn this into an acceptable PS.

[osumccoy.348]

Thank you for being honest, this is only my second draft and I did say I "[r]eally need help".

Could you help point out some errors that are blatant, I always have trouble finding them :-\

You spend a lot of time talking about other people and almost no time talking about yourself. Adcoms aren't going be impressed if the only thing you have going for you is your background. Talk about your own accomplishments instead of everything your family members have done.

I developed an astute and uncanny writing ability through rigorous political science courses and an analytical mindset through my criminology minor.

If you have uncanny writing ability plz demonstrate by showing mastery of grammar.

PS. most of the personal statement should be about you. Period.

[cmraider]

OK, I'm gonna work on this for you in the hopes that you see your awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. I can't help you in regards to the content, other than to say that you don't talk about yourself much.

I still remember my first law school class. Only my experience was not as an enrolled student, but rather as

the son of an enrolled student. I was seven, and my mother was attending classes and allowed me to come

with herbrought me to her law class. It began was the first of many times I would attend law -related events with my mother and with it inspire

me to apply to law school after college. My drive to study of law wouldhas carry carried into my adult life, and with my

current aspirations request admission to Capital University Law Schoolredundant, they know you are requesting admission. There are many reasons for applying to

law school and mine rest primarily within my background and chosen life course.

I come from a fairly humble background; my family was never the elite-bourgeoisie profile presumptuous this is unintelligible

of the typical Upper Arlington family, but we always embraced the idea of family in an affluent mannermakes no sense. How does one embrace a family in an affluent manner?. I

believe I descended from a lineage that has benefitted me in an enormous wayThis sentence is awkward. On my father’s side, my

grandfather is an NBA Hall of Fame broadcaster for the Phoenix Suns. He has written books, coined infamous

catchphrases and met most of the NBA’s greatest playersmany great NBA players. Through countless interactions I have developed

what can only be described asan inherent radio personality. I consideram myself witty, sharp and an excellent

public speaker; all characteristics for success in radio, as well as characteristics for a successful lawyerhonestly, they probably won't care that you are witty or sharp--these are subjective qualities. On my

mother’s side, my grandfather was an Ivy League biochemist, and wasonce the associate dean of the Ohio State

University College of Medicine. He hadpublished numerous articles and devotedly returned for research at the

university until his recent passing. I believe my mother’s side of the family graced me with invaluable intellect

and tremendous ability to excelagain, highly subjective.. I mention these backgrounds because of their influence in my lifewe can assume this since you are writing about it. The last

two years, however, resonated a different tone than what I had been accustomed toextremely awkward.

My parents divorced when I was young and have since beenwas raised by my mother. She balanced raising

three kids while attending classes in law school, earning distinctive honors and her LLM in business and

taxation here at Capitalawkward. This was something I would always value as it demonstrated the deep, unequivocal

sacrifice for the greater good of our familyfluffy. For these reasons, she became my role model and my beacon for

overcoming adversityyou misuse the word "beacon". My mother was battling diabetes and severe liver disease and with the passing of my

grandfather devastated meextremely awkward. It devastated you use the same word twiceme emotionally and academically as I spent a large amount of time at

the hospital and at home helping out which threw me in a downward spiral with schoolrun-on sentence. I saw how much

potential my mother had as she overcame some of the most remarkable feats throughout her entire life. At the

same time, I saw my seemingly mediocre academic workdid you really "see" it? and saw how much potential I had not lived up toyou can re-write this sentence so it isn't awkward. Try, "I was not living up to my potential. The tragedy in my life was starting to affect my studies, and my grades fell as a result. I

realized then that I could change my situation whereas my mother and grandfather could not. They always

taught me to never denydon't split infinitives--never to deny the inevitable and to accept certain fatespoor word usage. What does that even mean--accept certain fates?. I took their wisdom sincerely and with it

began a more dignified, academically driven life course. I started becomingbecame increasingly active in school, which

resulted in increased use of professor office hoursno, just...no, more meaningful coursework and thoughtful participation.I

believe I demonstrated those characteristics heavily during my senior year, and though my overall record does

not attest todisplay, show, demonstrate consistency, I assert thatthese changes in attitude and lifestyle reflect my potential for success as

a law student.

I have the tools from within my childhood great, but you're an adult now. AdComms care about what you did as an adultand from developing an academic plan that reflects the abilities

strainedagain, terrible word choice most in law school; reading and writing within a logical reasoning frameawkward. I read US Supreme Court

decisions like English majors read short stories or narratives, interpreting and hanging on every word with a

sense of literary acclaim.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(I'M STILL WORKING ON MY CONCLUSION, BELOW ARE JUST SOME UNORGANIZED/RANDOM POINTS/LINES I WANTED TO INCLUDE, ANY HELP ON A CONCLUSION IS WELCOME AS WELL)

In my opinion, I have the potential to make an impressionable and influential law student. I believe given this background and these assets I will be successful as a law student and noble as an attorney.
I happened to find my niche in American jurisprudence within a political context. I developed an astute and uncanny writing ability through rigorous political science courses and an analytical mindset through my criminology minor. It would appear, then, that I was both bred and groomed for a life in law school.

This is by know means extensive, and if I had this PS in paper form and red pen in hand, rest assured there'd be much, much more. I stand by everything I said earlier, but I hope this demonstrates why you need to RE-WRITE this.

You need to write with a more assertive, authoritative voice. Eliminate all the "I believe"s, and try to write in active voice (passive: The action was done to me. active: I did the action.)You switch tenses too much, and stay away from progressive tenses (will have/would have)if you can. Your prose is more powerful if you stick to the *simple* past, present and future tenses.

Also, you are gratuitous with your adverb and adjective usage. Nouns and Verbs are the meat of writing, adjectives and adverbs are just complimentary side dishes.

[h8TingSchool]

I still remember my first law school class. Only my experience was not as an enrolled student but rather as

the son of an enrolled student. (I still remember my first law school class--only I wasn't a student, but the son of a student.) I was seven and my mother was attending classes and allowed me to come

with her. (I was seven when my mom was going through law school herself and she brought me along with her to class one night.) It began the first of many times I would attend law related events with my mother and with it inspire

me to apply to law school after college. (It was the first of many times I would accompany my mom to class, and these visits to her school inspired me to apply to law school after undergrad). My drive to study of law would carry into my adult life, and with my

current aspirations request admission to Capital University Law School. (dumb sentence, get rid of) There are many reasons for applying to

law school and mine rest primarily within my background and chosen life course. (dumb too)

I come from a fairly humble background; my family was never the elite-bourgeoisie (this word is not only misspelled, it's bourgeois, it's misused here. bourgeois were middle to lower middle working class during the french revolution. one can't be bourgeois AND elite. further, when in real life does anyone say "oh yeah, my family was bourgeois." don't pick words cause they're pretty to try to make yourself look smart, as here, it failed. if i was on the admin committee id stop here and throw your whole file in the trash) profile presumptuous

of the typical Upper Arlington family but we always embraced the idea of family in an affluent manner. (I grew up here in Upper Arlington, Ohio. Though the community was known as an enclave for wealthy families, mine was far from wealthy and closer to your typical American middle class family.) I

believe I descended from a lineage that has benefitted me in an enormous way. (This sentence makes me want to puke. Lineage?? Seriously? People don't talk like this and you shouldn't write like this either) On my father’s side, my

grandfather is an NBA Hall of Fame broadcaster for the Phoenix Suns. He has written books, coined infamous (again WRONG WORD CHOICE. don't use words unless you know what they mean. look up infamous and see if you still want to use it here.)

catch phrases and met most of the NBA’s greatest players. (so what?? who cares? you? yeah, i'm sure you care, no one else does). Through countless interactions (with who?) I have developed

what can only be described as an inherent (WRONG WORD CHOICE again. something that is INHERENT does not need to be developed because IT IS inherent) radio personality. I consider myself witty, sharp and an excellent

public speaker; all characteristics for success in radio, as well as characteristics for a successful lawyer. (really?) On my

mother’s side, my grandfather was an Ivy League biochemist, once the associate dean of the Ohio State

University College of Medicine. He had published numerous articles and devotedly returned for research at the

university until his recent passing. I believe my mother’s side of the family graced me with invaluable intellect

and tremendous ability to excel. I mention these backgrounds because of their influence in my life. The last

two years, however, resonated a different tone than what I had been accustomed to. (This whole narrative about your grandparents is irrelevant to YOU and makes you come off pretentious).

My parents divorced when I was young and (I) have since been raised by my mother. She balanced raising

three kids while attending classes in law school, earning distinctive honors and her LLM in business and

taxation here at Capital. This was something I would always value as it demonstrated the deep, unequivocal (bad word choice, yet again, just take this one out)

sacrifice for the greater good of our family. For these reasons, she became my role model and my beacon (beacon? no, maybe your reason? this doesn't make sense here) for

overcoming adversity (what adversity have you overcome??). My mother was battling diabetes and severe liver disease and with the passing of my

grandfather devastated me (what devastated you??). It devastated me emotionally and academically as I spent a large amount of time at

the hospital and at home helping out which threw me in a downward spiral with school. (this is way too dramatic and a run-on sentence) I saw how much

potential my mother had as she overcame some of the most remarkable feats throughout her entire life. At the

same time, I saw my seemingly mediocre academic work and saw how much potential I had not lived up to. I

realized then that I could change my situation whereas my mother and grandfather could not. (really? sorry, but this is just a really bad sentence. you've told us he passed away. he can't change his situation?? you need to tell us that??) They always

taught me to never deny the inevitable and to accept certain fates. I took their wisdom sincerely and with it

began a more dignified (eh, really?), academically driven life course. I started becoming increasingly active in school, which

resulted in increased use of professor office hours (so what? you should be doing this anyway), more meaningful coursework (how so? this doesn't make sense) and thoughtful participation (was your participation before this not thoughtful?). I

believe I demonstrated those characteristics (what characteristics? you didn't list any.) heavily (frequently) during my senior year and though my overall record does

not attest to (reflect) consistency, I assert that these changes in attitude and lifestyle reflect my potential for success as

a law student.

I have the tools from within my childhood and from developing an academic plan that reflects the abilities

strained most in law school; reading and writing within a logical reasoning frame. (i don't even know how to change this sentence...) I read US Supreme Court

decisions like English majors read short stories or narratives, interpreting and hanging on every word with a

sense of literary acclaim. (are you serious here?)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(I'M STILL WORKING ON MY CONCLUSION, BELOW ARE JUST SOME UNORGANIZED/RANDOM POINTS/LINES I WANTED TO INCLUDE, ANY HELP ON A CONCLUSION IS WELCOME AS WELL)

In my opinion, I have the potential to make an impressionable and influential law student. I believe given this background and these assets I will be successful as a law student and noble as an attorney.
I happened to find my niche in American jurisprudence within a political context. I developed an astute and uncanny writing ability through rigorous political science courses and an analytical mindset through my criminology minor. It would appear, then, that I was both bred and groomed for a life in law school.

Okay, here are some changes for you. I recommend you do not go to law school. The market is flooded as is, and you have horrendous writing skills. I honestly don't feel you will make a good attorney. I'm trying to be honest with you. I can't imagine any reputable school would accept a student who writes like this. Sorry.

[BeaverHunter]

This statement makes you sound like a Twerp. The worst part is when you proclaim yourself an outstanding writer and state you are bred to be a lawyer. Here's a tip, when writing keep tabs on the number of times you use "I". It is a statement about you but this essay sounds like something a sixth grader slapped together (seriously). At no point does the essay make the reader even remotely interested in your life story. You don't need an edit, you need to start over. There is not a single element from this essay that fits into a strong personal statement.

[ClosetStateSchooler]

I see what you are trying to do, but it just doesn't work. You need another angle or be more specific your situation. Read the dozens of personal statements on TLS and their criticisms to get a better idea of what a good PS may look like.

[cinephile]

It really doesn't even have to be about what's influenced you to go into law. My favorite personal statements are the ones that tell a story (which generally do somehow tie into law, or your leadership ability, analytical ability, etc.). But seriously, it'd be a lot stronger if you hook the reader in with an example of a point in your life where you demonstrated success.

[mpj_3050]

I have never weighed in on one of these, but man I'm going to level with you: your personal statement is terribly written and has absolutely nothing to do with you. The punctuation mistakes are correctable; however, the usage mistakes demonstrate a serious deficiency in your writing ability.

I saw you are applying to Capital and Ohio Northern, presumably at sticker price. I implore you not to attend either of these schools if you get accepted. I know people at both schools who are drowning in debt and regret the decision to attend law school. Both of these schools at sticker price will approach 150k. I know this is the personal statement forum but man you really, really should not attend these schools.

[BeaverHunter]

Just to pile it on, if I were on an admissions committee I would immediately deny any candidate who referred to their political science courses as rigorous, regardless of his other qualifications.

[kublaikahn]

It says a lot about you that you come from a fairly humble background; nobody likes those damn elite-bourgeoisie. Their profile is way too presumptuous.

You have an interesting story. Not many candidates have descended from a lineage that has benefitted them in an enormous way. Is your grandfather, Al McCoy?

It seems that you may have made some mistakes in college, your most relevant body of work (corpus christi as you would say), but I would wager that you have the tools from within your childhood and from developing an academic plan that reflects the abilities strained most in law school; reading and writing within a logical reasoning frame. Good luck in law school.

It would seem based on your public speaking skills that you will go the moot court/advocacy route, but if you do write for a journal, please post on TLS. I would love to read it.