Offering Full Line Edits Forum

[CGI Fridays]

No longer doing this.

[mala2]

I'd like to take you up on it. I'm doing some work on it still. Can I schedule Wednesday? I'll do email paypal.

[Mattfl88]

I would appreciate some feedback. Let me know and thank you.

[CGI Fridays]

I would appreciate some feedback. Let me know and thank you.

No one's posted yet, so you've got the help as soon as you post.
If you're not finished you can reserve a day when you know it'll be done by.
If you wanna do e-mail/paypal, PM me.

[CGI Fridays]

I'd like to take you up on it. I'm doing some work on it still. Can I schedule Wednesday? I'll do email paypal.

No need to schedule if paying.
Scheduling is only necessary for Mon-Fri freebies.

[Mattfl88]

As I stared down at my wallet, keys and phone sitting in a plastic bin, my world felt yanked into a vortex of emotions within my mind. I returned a greeting to the security guard and for a brief moment masked the feelings of excitement, curiosity and anticipation. I wondered what these next few months would bring and how could I help ensure successful legislative sessions for each of the representatives I worked for. I stepped on the elevator and began my ascension to what would become one of the greatest learning experiences and the legislative session that would cement my decision to study law.

My upbringing was largely shaped by the fact that my parents were both educators. Education reigned supreme and many nights were spent working on academic endeavors beyond the typical child’s classroom experience. A love of continuous learning was rooted within at a young age. As my father moved on to administrative positions at the county level, nearly every night at the dinner table I would hear stories of how the laws affected virtually all aspects of their jobs. I became endlessly fascinated by the development, implementation, and effects of public policy which naturally led to my selection of political science as my undergraduate major.

My coursework fostered my academic growth through intricate readings, extensive research and policy analysis. I was able to delve into complex social problems and policies to further understanding and search for potential solutions. My formal education in a concentration heavily reliant on law has prepared my reading, writing and research skills for success in law school. My insatiable intellectual curiosity will allow me to successfully face the challenges that life during law school will surely bring.

My parents instilled in my character at a young age the value of labor and as a result I began my first job at the age of fourteen. After high school I moved across town to attend college. During my second semester my savings had run out and I spent much of my time working to try and pay my bills while my grades suffered. I nearly lost my scholarship. This experience fostered further maturation and I soon realized the fragility of many valuable opportunities. I returned home and to the grocery store I had previously been employed but with a renewed focus for my studies. I was quickly promoted to management. This position allowed me to further develop as I found myself in a situation requiring trustworthiness, leadership and excellent communication skills.

I became heavily involved in political campaigning and volunteered for numerous politicians during my university years. During this time my political identity began to manifest itself. I continued to develop my communication skills making countless telephone calls and knocking on hundreds of doors. I not only convinced the voters I spoke to get out and vote but persuaded most to vote for the candidate I represented.

I was granted an opportunity to intern in Senator *** ***’s office during the summer of 2009. This office primarily handled casework and we received a myriad of letters, faxes, and phone calls from constituents desperate for help. I gained an invaluable insight into many issues that some of the most disadvantaged citizens faced. I became very active in assisting caseworkers in solving these problems and became dedicated to finding solutions through research of my own and working closely with many government agencies. During my experiences working with these individuals, I have seen countless people who are entirely unaware of their rights as workers. Many find themselves in legal quandaries with no idea of how to repair them or even who to be their advocate. These experiences gave me inspiration to help these disadvantaged individuals especially in regards to employment and labor laws.

Due to my successful experiences in my studies, work and my commitment to better the community, I was chosen for the *** Legislative Scholar Internship. The administration of *** cherishes this internship because we were reflections of the university in the setting that decides the fortune of public institutions. I maintain that ideological differences many times serve as distractions but I questioned how the staff members would react given our dissimilar political backgrounds. I quickly learned that my concerns were unwarranted and that we all shared many common goals; the most important being to better our state and our community through sound public policy and service. Many of my tasks included reading complex legal documents in the form of proposed legislation and in many instances perform research and report to the representative under short time deadlines. I thrived in the professional environment and discovered the many character traits these leaders possessed. Their enthusiasm for public service, compassion for their constituents, and their undying desire to do what they believe to be right has remained with me since. Throughout this internship I realized how unimportant ideological differences become when striving towards similar goals. I discovered the significance of cooperation between divisive sides that must take place to improve our communities and gained a renewed enthusiasm for public service, the development of public policy and solidified my desire to study law.

Throughout my varying work, internships and academic experiences one ambition has remained steady; service. I understand the unique opportunities that I have received and intend to use my abilities to assist those in need. I strongly believe that my academic and professional successes have prepared me well for the demanding law school curriculum. I assure you that if given the opportunity I will strive to positively contribute to the *** *** *** and the surrounding *** community. I sincerely thank you for allowing me to share my experiences, background and myself with you and considering me for admission to the¬ fall of 2011 class.

[BrooklynGirl]

.

[CGI Fridays]

OP updated with que.
The plan is to be finished by 9pm at the latest. I'll PM you when yours is done.

[CGI Fridays]

Mattfl88

Highlighted Text
Commentary
Suggested Text

As I stared down at my wallet, keys and phone sitting in a plastic bin, my world felt yanked into a vortex of emotions within my mind [This chunk is extremely fluffy, and not totally coherent. As a general rule, avoid all use of "in my mind," unless you're working on a creative writing piece and it's not redundant. For example, "In my mind I saw a picture." Here it's not redundant because without the reference to your mind, you'd read that as if there were a physical picture, whereas in your sentence, emotions necessarily occur within your mind, so it's redundant. I suggest something like "...plastic bin, I was yanked into a vortex of emotions." Even that is still cheesy, so I advise toning it down even more. Maybe just pick an emotion or two and list them, so it'd be more straightforward and less "omg!" . I returned a greeting to the security guard and for a brief moment masked the feelings of my excitement, curiosity and anticipation [Ok, yeah, definitely change the first sentence and remove the ambiguous "emotions," as their context only comes afterward. Maybe just use "eager" or, better yet, use "excitement" and then take excitement out of this last sentence so it just has "curious anticipation" . I wondered what these next few months would bring and how could I could help ensure successful legislative sessions for each of the representatives I worked for [It sounds like you're on your way to work for them; that you haven't worked for them yet. So since you're temporally locked into the moment just after greeting the security guard, you have to change "work for" into the future tense. Something like "...each of the representatives I would soon work for."] . I stepped on the elevator [You step on to escalators; you step into elevators.] and began my ascension to what would become one of the my greatest learning experiences and the legislative session that would cement my decision to study law. [There's nothing technically wrong with "and" here, but since your sentence is broken into two entirely different statements, try replacing "and" with "(comma) as well as" and see what you think. It will break up the two clauses more, which makes it easier for the reader to make a smooth transition. If you don't like it, stick with "and."]

My upbringing was largely shaped by the fact that my parents were both educators. Education reigned supreme [consider a comma here] and many nights were spent working on academic endeavors beyond the typical child’s classroom experience. A love of continuous learning was rooted within took root at a young age. As my father moved on to administrative positions at the county level, nearly every night at the dinner table I would hear stories of how the laws law affected virtually all aspects of their jobs. I became endlessly fascinated by the development, implementation, and effects of public policy [comma advised] which naturally led to my selection of political science as my an undergraduate major.

My coursework fostered my academic growth through intricate readings ["Close" readings?] , extensive research and policy analysis. I was able to delve into complex social problems and policies to further my understanding and search for potential solutions. My formal This education in a concentration heavily reliant on law has prepared developed my reading, writing and research skills [It prepared YOU, by developing those skills] for success in law school [Big red flag. You're implying that your UG work was as hard or harder than the work you'll have in law school, as you're already confident that you'll be successful thanks to it. I'm sure you don't intend to make this claim, so just take out the mention of success in law school. You've already included "heavily reliant in law," so you can just end the sentence on "and research skills." and the applicability of these skills to law school will still be a fresh association, not needing any further explicit claim.] .My insatiable intellectual curiosity will allow me to successfully face the challenges that life during law school will surely bring. [If I told you that I'm the awesomest person evarrr, would you believe me? No one cares if you think your insatiable intellectual curiosity will allow you to pwn law school. Your task is to help admissions arrive at this conclusion on their own, based on the relevant information conveyed. Don't make subjective claims about how excellent you are.]

My parents instilled in my character at a young age the value of labor [Unnecessarily complicated sentence structure. Smooth it out. Something like "At a young age my parents instilled in me the value of labor,"] and as a result I began my first job at the age of fourteen ["as a result" is implied.]. After high school I moved across town to attend college. During my second semester my savings had run ran out [You would use "had run out" if you were saying "by the end of my second semester," but since you're pinpointing the time when it happened, just say "ran out."] and I spent much of my time working to try and pay my bills [I realize this is a common phrase, but no. Did you try TO pay your bills, or did you pay your bills?] while my grades suffered. I nearly lost my scholarship. This experience fostered further maturation and [Another instance of making positive, subjective claims about yourself] I soon realized the fragility of many valuable opportunities [First, wouldn't this realization have been immediate, as soon as the risk of losing the scholly became evident? Second, admissions might hope that well-rounded applicants became aware of this long before college. Not that it's a big deal, but if it's potentially negative, might as well cut it, no? I advise making one sentence out of "I nearly lost my scholarship (comma)" and then say something about how that reinforced your appreciation of how fragile opportunities can be.] . I returned home and to the grocery store I had previously been employed at, but with a renewed focus for on my studies. I was quickly promoted to management. This position , which allowed me to further develop (comma) as I found myself in a the situation requiring required trustworthiness, leadership and excellent communication skills.

I became heavily involved in political campaigning and volunteered for numerous politicians during my university years. During this time my political identity began to manifest itself. I continued to develop my communication skills [Either insert (comma) or "by"] making countless telephone calls and knocking on hundreds of doors. I not only convinced the voters I spoke with to get out and vote [consider inserting comma] but persuaded most to vote for the candidate I represented.

I was granted an opportunity to intern in Senator *** ***’s office during the summer of 2009. This office primarily handled casework and we received a myriad of letters, faxes, and phone calls from constituents desperate for help. I gained an invaluable insight into many issues that some of the most disadvantaged citizens faced ["Faced" is fine, but you can get away with "face" if you think your insight is still applicable, which you presumably do. Just opens up the relevance of the insight a bit, making your insinuation more transparent.] . I became very active in assisting caseworkers in solving these problems and became , growing dedicated to finding solutions through research of my own and working closely with many government agencies [One too many "and"s to flow 100% smoothly. Also, try not to use words back-to back (in this case, "became") unless they're super common ("the", "it" etc.)] . During my experiences working with these individuals, I have seen I saw countless people who are were entirely unaware of their rights as workers. Many find found themselves in legal quandaries with no idea of how to repair them [You don't "repair" quandaries] or even who to be their advocate [While your meaning is clear, this chunk is worded incoherently. Try dropping the "who" and re-wording this chunk completely.]. These experiences gave me inspiration to help these disadvantaged individuals (comma) especially in regards to regarding employment and labor laws.

Due to my successful experiences in my studies, work and my commitment to better the community [This sentence reads "Due to my successful experiences in... my commitment to better the community." Gotta separate "studies" & "work" from "commitment" with more than a single "and," which currently reads as "here's the third thing in a list of three things." Also, the wording is a tad fluffy. Maybe something like "Due to my successes in school and work, and my commitment to better the community..."] , I was chosen for the *** Legislative Scholar Internship. [Maybe slap a month on this award? Was this the internship that led you to Senator *** ***’s office during the summer of 2009? If so, put this before that and make the connection clearer. I can't tell because the administrations are starred out. If this is a second internship, add another sentence of context before the sentence which currently follows.] The administration of *** cherishes this internship because we were reflections of the university in the setting that decides the fortune of public institutions. [For one, "cherishes" is timeless, while your explanation of why the administration cherishes it is stuck in the time when you were there. Either only claim the cherishing occurred while you were there, or otherwise broaden your explanation of why the administration cherishes it so it's not limited to a particular time period. Also, more importantly, I don't follow "...the university in the setting that decides the fortune of public institutions." I'll do you the favor of not taking a moment to figure it out, because you shouldn't be asking any such thing of your audience. Clear it up.] I maintain that ideological differences many times often serve as distractions (comma) but I questioned how the staff members would react given our dissimilar political backgrounds [React to what? React to you? If so, say so, otherwise say otherwise. Also, this sentence comes out of left field. Turn it into the beginning of a paragraph.]. I quickly learned that my concerns were unwarranted and that we all shared many common goals; the most important being [Switch semi-colon into a comma. By following with "the most important being" you are relieving the semi-colon of the function it might have otherwise served.] to better our state and our community through sound public policy and service. Many of my tasks included reading complex legal documents in the form of proposed legislation and in many instances performing research and reporting to the representative under short time pressing deadlines. I thrived in the professional environment and discovered the many character traits these leaders possessed. [This sentence is a tad awkward. I'm not a fan of "I thrived in the professional environment," but I may be going too far with avoiding self-inflation. There is, however, definitely have an issue with you claiming to have discovered every single character trait they possessed, as worded with "...discovered the many character traits." At least re-word that to "...discovered many of the character traits..."... Still, there's just something odd about the sentence. Consider switching it to something about admiring their many positive character traits, which could be followed with a colon into the following sentence.] Their enthusiasm for public service, compassion for their constituents, and their undying desire to do what they believe to be right has remained with me since. [If you go with a colon into this list, you can keep it as-is with the commas, as none of the items have commas within them.] Throughout this internship I realized how unimportant ideological differences become when striving towards toward similar goals. I discovered the significance of cooperation between divisive sides that must take place in order to improve our communities (comma) and gained a renewed enthusiasm for public service, the development of public policy and solidified my desire to study law. [Break sentence into two sentences. Not optional. Not only is it tiresome, but you did that thing with the single "and" again: the end reads "gained a renewed enthusiasm for... solidified my desire to study law." Possible re-wording of last sentence: "I discovered the significance of cooperation between divisive sides, which must take place in order to improve our communities, and I gained a renewed enthusiasm for public service and the development of public policy. These experiences solidified my desire to study law."]

Throughout my varying work, internships and academic experiences [consider comma] one ambition has remained steady [You can do better than "remained steady"] ; service. I understand the unique opportunities that I have received and intend to use my abilities to assist those in need [Are you trying to say that you understand the opportunities, or you understand that the opportunities were unique? Since the former is empty and I assume the latter anyhow, re-word to something like "I am aware of the uniqueness of my opportunities, and intend to use their fruits to assist those in need..."]. I strongly believe that my academic and professional successes have prepared me well for the demanding law school curriculum. I assure you that (comma) if given the opportunity (comma) I will strive to positively contribute to the *** *** *** and the surrounding *** community. I sincerely thank you for allowing me to share my experiences, background and myself with you and considering me for admission to the¬ fall of 2011 class. [I'd cut the last sentence entirely, but it's up to you.]

[CGI Fridays]

Cut down to Mon-Thu. No way am I doing this on a Friday.

[Mattfl88]

I sincerely appreciate the feedback. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this and I will go through this immediately.

[CGI Fridays]

I sincerely appreciate the feedback. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this and I will go through this immediately.

You're welcome. Good luck with the cycle!

[CGI Fridays]

BrooklynGirl

The first memory I can recall comes from a time when I am around 3-4 years old. I come out of my room at night time after having fallen asleep, and come up to my mother who is in the living room. ["Coming" out of your room reads naturally, but your second "come" is unnecessary. However, if you take it out the sentence reads slightly awkwardly, because it's not as common to "come" up to your mom. Maybe just replace the first "come" with "walk," which would carry more naturally.] I tell her that I was so afraid that I couldn’t move or speak. She answers, promising that everything will be okay and leads me back to my room. Looking back now, I can only guess that the cause of my fear was more than likely a fight between my parents.

The living conditions in Saint Petersburg, Russia were far from livable [consider comma] and the aftermath of World War II left the city with a swindling government, a declining economy, and a profound amount of anti-Semitism. [This is just a nitpicky suggestion, but living conditions are livable by definition, no? So maybe change it to "The conditions... were far from livable" or something like "The living conditions...were far from bearable."] When I am 5 years old, my parents and I move to the United States with hopes of a better future. [I liked your memory- present tense shtick in the first paragraph, but you've transitioned into the past tense with the opening sentence of this paragraph. If you want to go back to present tense, you need to make some reference to memory or the past or something, otherwise it's abrupt and extremely awkward. If you don't want to burn a sentence or a chunk of a sentence solely for the sake of making the transition, stick with the past tense.] Within a couple of months of arriving here, my father announces that he has met another woman, and a divorce is initiated. My mother hardly knew a word of English, which only allowed for her to work grueling hours and earn a minimum wage income. [Now you're bouncing back to past tense. My opinion is to go with past tense: While discussing the past in present tense is perfectly acceptable, it's not common, and when uncommon things happen a lot, some readers might think you're milking the novelty factor too much. If you were to just tell a story in the present tense that'd be one thing; but going past tense for the opening of a new paragraph & then jumping back to present seems a little excessive. So maybe just rock the present tense in the first paragraph, then make a full switch to past tense?] The remainder of my childhood consisted of living in a studio apartment with my mother, an army of roaches, and a posse of mice. [Assuming your childhood consisted of a lot more than that, perhaps choose a different word here. It's not "wrong," but it's usually followed by more extensive and usually complete lists (My breakfast consisted of X, Y, Z & Q). One option is "involved."] I have two distinct memories from that time; watching cartoons every night until 12AM waiting for my mother to come home from work, and her telling me that if it wasn’t for me she would jump off a building. [Replace that semi-colon with a full colon. You're saying "what follows is a list."]

Once I turned fourteen, I realized that if I wanted to do anything or get anything which required money, I needed to work. I began working full time at a local cell phone store, but the hours took a toll on my grades. Once I was accepted into Brooklyn College, I made the decision decided to quit my job and focus all of my attention on my education, even if it meant that daily lunch and dinner, new clothes, and going out with friends were no longer going to be aspects part of my life. [I highlighted "once," not because it's wrong, but because you just used it two sentences ago, and you might consider changing it up. Maybe for the second one, "When accepted into Brooklyn..." Also, nothing wrong with "aspects," but it just sounds a lil' off.] I attribute my new found newfound determination to an article I had once read that analyzed statistics pertaining to children growing up to resemble their parents in regard to their socioeconomic status, “The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” As if to dig this notion further into me, my mother told me that being a secretary would be a good career choice for me. ["Dig" is a somewhat odd choice for what you're going for. "Hammer" comes to mind, but there are a bunch of words that might be a little less abrasive and potentially even more powerful.] This allowed me to realize that if I ever want to strive for my dreams and become successful in life, I had to take the reins of my life and steer myself in the right direction. [This sentence is very fluffy. Maybe go with mentioning how you didn't want to take that path (the apple not falling far from the tree), so you decided to do push yourself to rise above. Use wording that is less likely to elicit flying cartoon unicorns in the reader's mind.]

I was excited to discover my niche in life and see where my college career would lead me. [Since you hadn't discovered it yet, consider replacing "excited" with "anxious."] Unfortunately, during the last month of my first semester of college [consider comma] my mother lost her job. I began working full time full-time to help her with rent. [I advise connecting these last two sentences with "and."] Due to the hours I had to work worked, I ended up withdrawing from some classes, and failing the rest. Three semesters later, my mother obtained a job which allowed me to quit mine, and I was finally able to excel in my courses. [Consider replacing "my courses" with a singular noun, such as "my coursework" or "school." I think it might better convey the totality of the positive shift.] I had a passion for reading, specifically works focusing on criminal procedure. I registered for law related law-related courses to see if they would appeal to me. I developed a deep appreciation for the ethics of law, and the diversity of law procedures all over the world worldwide. I also greatly enjoyed reading previous historic cases of varying issues. I declared my major to be as Philosophy of Law and have been determined to study law ever since.

I am now heading into my last semester of college. I’ve unfortunately never had the chance to pursue any extracurricular activities or have the chance to study abroad during my undergraduate studies. I’ve also always had a desire to volunteer and help others who may be in similar or worse circumstances than me I, and aspire to do so in the future. Although the road to where I am now the present was a long and bumpy one, it’s it has made me a strong and ambitious person. I am confident that I will succeed in law school because I am a hard worker, very determined, and have a passion for reading, writing and surpassing what statistics propose. [Highlighted portion is super fluffy. If you don't delete the whole sentence, definitely at least change that part.] My ultimate goal is to defy the statement which says that the apple doesn’t fall too be an apple that falls far from the tree, and to seize opportunities which my parents did not have the chance to strive for. Admission to this law school would allow me to pursue my dreams, and show myself as well as my mother, that the hardships she went through for me were well worth it. [I'm assuming you already planned on this, but make sure you customize "this law school" for each app.]

[BrooklynGirl]

Great advice, I think it will add more structure to the essay. Thank you

[crumpetsandtea]

CGI, you rock. It's 5 am and I haven't slept so I can't do the brain-thinky-stuffs that is required of me to edit out personal info from my PS, but I'll be posting it later. Thanks for offering to do this.

[CGI Fridays]

Thanks for the feedback, BrooklynGirl. Glad you found it helpful. Good luck!


Crumpmeister: sounds like a plan. Post away when ye be ready.

[Tiffy143]

deleted

[CGI Fridays]

... this is first-ish draft, but have no one else to currently critique... It's LONG right now, little over 4 pgs double ... I know it's fluffy and needs the fat cut. I circled around a couple themes and don't know what works or if I am making my point well enough or succinctly enough...

Hey Tiffy, I appreciate you posting here, but this service is for final drafts. You need some very broad input at this point.

Why do you say that you have no one else to critique? I see that this is your first post on TLS, and it appears you are underestimating how helpful people can be on the personal statement forum.

I advise you start your own thread: while in "Law School Personal Statements," there is a "new topic" button just above the others, on the left. Click that & roll with it.

I'd be happy to help you out a few drafts from now.

[LawSuccess]

I'm too shy to post my PS in public, so I purchased CGI Friday's private editing services. Just wanted to stop in and say how much I appreciate the feedback and suggestions.

His comments were well worth $20 to ensure a solid review of my PS.

[CGI Fridays]

Thank you so much for that feedback.

[starsmiles]

I'd like to schedule for Monday, thanks.

[getitdone]

u smell

[CGI Fridays]

u smell

starsmiles for snagging Monday, or me for smelling?

If the former, and Tuesday is too late due to it being a deadline, I'll do yours on Sunday if you're finished in time to post a final draft Saturday night.

But only if you complete your sentence in the most positive, cartoon-y way you can.

[NonTradHealthLaw]

Deleted

[getitdone]

dude im trying to say u suck, and ur service is garbage.