Rip my introduction apart Forum

[drmguy]

Thanks...

[gregthomas77]

I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm interested.

[fundamentallybroken]

Interesting story, but your, commas, are all over, the, place.

[ArchRoark]

I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm interested.

+1

[mikstew]

I, too, like where you are going, but I do have one criticism: it appears to me that you are trying to build suspense leading up to an important event by using strong language; however, the language may not be warranted in that the end result was nothing more than a "close call". I do not dispute the importance of this event in your life, but with the way you have written it, you set up the reader to expect something more but do not deliver.

Perhaps I have seen cliffhanger too many times, but I have seen this specific case and style of writing a number of times in personal statements I have read, and each time I read them I feel the same, and can't help but wonder if the admissions committee will also see through the strong language.

[drmguy]

This is somewhat the structure I was going to continue with.

Next Para
The reason I went through with this endeavor was that I wanted to do something greater and bigger and was blind to the fact that there were places to flourish all around me in college.

Next Para
There were some more intense moments and the scariest part of all but we eventually we get up to camp. My experience taught me that there is potential for excellence outside of danger. The week I came back I stopped standing on the sidelines and became the leader of both of my student organizations etc. etc.

Next Para
Describe the similar changes as an employee

Conc
Describe how and why my new mindset has increased my drive to go and excel in law school.


Critiques to the continuing structure?