6th Draft - Brutal Critque Welcome Forum
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elle52
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:44 pm
6th Draft - Brutal Critque Welcome
Thanks for the tips!
Last edited by elle52 on Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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LSATclincher
- Posts: 476
- Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm
Re: 6th Draft - Brutal Critque Welcome
First, I can tell this is your 6th draft. So that is good. But I have a few issues:
Delete para 1. I almost yawned after that. But then I was on the edge of my seat for para 2. Open with para 2. I didn't like your Lisa's para. You encountered different people, but you said nothing about what you did or learned. Delete that or play it up. Delete the class you took, also.
Other than that, this is an excellent diversity/communication-based PS. This is the reason a separate "DS" is un-needed. If your diversity is truly important to you, you can find a way to formulate it into a PS. And you have.
Good luck on the edit.
Delete para 1. I almost yawned after that. But then I was on the edge of my seat for para 2. Open with para 2. I didn't like your Lisa's para. You encountered different people, but you said nothing about what you did or learned. Delete that or play it up. Delete the class you took, also.
Other than that, this is an excellent diversity/communication-based PS. This is the reason a separate "DS" is un-needed. If your diversity is truly important to you, you can find a way to formulate it into a PS. And you have.
Good luck on the edit.
