Draft personal statement, critique appreciated! Forum

[Nospherato]

Hello! I've been reading the forums alot lately but it's first time I am posting anything!
I was wondering if anyone could critique my personal statement, I'd greatly appreciate it.
But I was wondering: before I post it or PM it to anyone, would I have to check "yes" if I am asked if i received assistance in preparing this application? (even if it's proofreading and critique?)
I guess I would have to, but I just wanted to be sure. And also, would it negatively impact me throughout the admission cycle, as in "oh this person cannot write a good essay on her own so she had to go get help!"
Sorry if I have too many questions, I am a little freaked out.
Thanks!

[MrPapagiorgio]

Welcome. No, I would not consider any assistance you receive on TLS to warrant a "Yes" on the question of whether or not you received assistance. If you paid a "professional" to edit your draft, yes. Asking the friendly TLSers, not so much.

[Nospherato]

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[Flips88]

You've obviously invested lots of time in writing this, but as much as you'll hate to hear, it needs to be completely rewritten.

First off, it's entirely too long. It's 7 pages double-spaced when I copy it into word. AdComms will stop reading after 2 or 3.

Second, drop all your hokey metaphors. The dragonfly anecdote is useless flowery prose. There is nothing genuine about a contrived lucid memory of your 4-year old self.

Third, pick on theme or topic and stay with it. You are all over the place. Your father's death, small claims court, identity theft, school, politics. Pick one or two and write about them for 2 pages.

[CanadianWolf]

Too long. Try to reduce your thoughts into a more succinct message delivered in crisp,clear sentences. As written, many may question your readiness for law school.

[Nospherato]

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I realize it's quite long, and it's a draft, so I just wanted to write everything I wanted to include in there to drop later as it went, and thanks to your feedbacks, I know what needs to be completely dropped and cut out now.
I guess I can leave out some of those and include in addendum.

[mmy789]

I saw that ur question seemed to be resolved but I thought I would give you this link...

http://blogs.law.yale.edu/blogs/admissions/default.aspx

I don't know if you've seen this...but it is a blog about Yale admissions written by the Dean (I think?). Look for the "PS boot Camp" articles. I think they might give you some valuable insight as to what admissions offices are thinking when they read personal statements. Good Luck!

[Nospherato]

Thank you!
This is really helpful. Reading all of it now