Please, please critique Forum

[nodummy]

thanks.

[nodummy]

I know it's bad...any comments at all would help a lot

[gothamm]

combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.

[nodummy]

combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.

Thanks a lot...great advice. Also, any idea how I could wrap it up?

[DeeCee]

combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.

I thought your PS was pretty decent, though +1 about gothamm's comments.
You should end your PS on a positive note, maybe elaborating on how your experience significantly swayed your decision to go to law school. Just make sure to end it positiely and in a way you want to be remembered.

[nodummy]

combine the first 3 paragraphs into one. forgo unnecessary detail.

instead of merely throwing out names of influential figures you interviewed, go into a little bit of detail on what you learned by interviewing them. Talk a bit more about these experiences...

your very last sentence makes it seem like you are not sure about law school i.e. usage of term "crossroads"

transitions could be better.

I thought your PS was pretty decent, though +1 about gothamm's comments.
You should end your PS on a positive note, maybe elaborating on how your experience significantly swayed your decision to go to law school. Just make sure to end it positiely and in a way you want to be remembered.

What are you thoughts on this ending?

Throughout my journalism career, from interviewing politicians in BLANK to legal experts in BLANK, I learned a great deal about the legal profession. The most important message that I carry today is that every person should be treated fairly. With a law degree I will raise this message to heights far beyond the reach of journalism and represent the underrepresented such as my friends back at the printing plant.

[DeeCee]

What are you thoughts on this ending?

Throughout my journalism career, from interviewing politicians in BLANK to legal experts in BLANK, I learned a great deal about the legal profession. The most important message that I carry today is that every person should be treated fairly. With a law degree I will raise this message to heights far beyond the reach of journalism and represent the underrepresented such as my friends back at the printing plant.

Sentence 2: "The most important message that I carry today is that every person should be treated fairly." Something about this sentence feels awkward. I feel like it jumps into a new idea too quick, or it doesn't flow well.

If you could fix that sentence or add one before it to logically tie together sentences 1 and 2, I feel that your paragraph could wrap up the PS concisely. Thoughts, anyone else?