Tried to overhaul... Any better? Please critique! Forum

[cayerjt]

Deleted

[jasonc.]

Its sooo much better. I actually dont have any bad critiques. you see how much more natural it is? thats good. I suggest you step away give a rest tonight. maybe something will come to you but i like now so i dont have any constructive criticism.

[cayerjt]

I really found I had to step away from my own perspective to connect the parts of the story. It was as if it ALL made sense to me but it was really just a list of events. Thank you SO much for all of your help.

[bmore]

Just took a quick glimpse and 2 things jumped out as me.

"I got to see an aspect of the process I never considered as a child" Get rid of the reference to "child". Actuallly rewrite.
"professional demeanor as he went about the task of drafting a powerful letter " Professionaldemeanor drafting a letter?