Input GREATLY appreciated! Forum

[CortninO]

Hi, everyone. I'm new to posting to the forums, but have been stalking since September. Anyway, any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated on my personal statement. The final paragraph/half page will be tailored to the programs I'm interested in and why at each school. Sincerely, huge thanks if you can contribute!!

Responding to the buzz blaring through the room, I peered through the bulletproof glass to see who the hooded form was requesting entry. Recognizing the faceless visitor as a male, I knew not to allow him to enter. Turning him away, I felt justified and empowered, though there was an underlying stream of guilt as well. As a front desk volunteer at a women’s shelter, one of my duties was to use my discretion on who to allow into our safe haven, and who to refuse, with the caveat that all men are to be turned away, aside from emergency responders. Although it was possible that this man was seeking out help and a warm meal as the women we accommodated were, it was also possible that he came to us trying to find a woman that did not wish to be found.

When I began volunteering at a domestic violence shelter for homeless women in Chicago, I was blissfully unaware of how prevalent domestic violence is amongst the homeless female population. All of the women seeking our help had been physically or sexually assaulted and were staying with us, as their only other options were to return to their abuser or to live on the streets. Fortunately, I have never experienced the agony these women have, but hearing their stories and assisting them in overcoming obstacles they face has changed me tremendously. Some of these women were able to become independent and get back on their feet, however, most women that came through our doors would be in and out of the shelter for varying periods of time, before disappearing for good. Though I hope that these women too got the help they needed, many ended up going to prison or perishing, usually due to a drug overdose.

Through these relationships, I began to see another side of life that I had not previously been exposed to. It caused me to realize that not everything is clear-cut and black or white. When I began at the shelter, I felt that there were only victims and offenders. I now realize that there are two sides to any issue, and between the two extremes is a wide spectrum of gray.

Today I pride myself on my ability to see all sides of a situation; a trait which I feel will assist me greatly in law school. This is furthered through being a political science major, as I learn about many policies and theories, and must argue for both the opposing and supporting sides on a regular basis. I am attending law school with a passion for public interest that I have had for as long as I can remember. Indeed, I received an award at my high school graduation for having completed the most community service hours of my graduating class and also received a full tuition scholarship to any state school due to my continued dedication to community service. With a law degree I would be able to continue my volunteering even further, as legal services are always needed for the shelter’s occupants.

[jasonc.]

Responding to the buzz blaring through the room, I peered through the bulletproof glass to see who the hooded form was requesting entry (awkward wording).

[/quote]


its okay statement just a tad bit corny. especially mentioning the high school award you can get rid of that. I like how the victim/offenders perspective affected you but what else sparked your interest in "public interest" anything else happen to you?

[CortninO]

Thanks for taking the time to read it! I was hesitant to put in the highschool part, so thanks for affirming that I shouldn't have. Any other advice for getting rid of the corny? Or did any other parts strike as you being particularly so?

Thanks again, and anyone else w/ any thoughts on it whatsoever, please don't hesitate to lemme know!

[dlbuhr]

Also not fan of the high school part; should be removed.

Just to preface, I am by no means an expert on personal statements, and I've been having a large of amount of trouble writing my own, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Overall, decent personal statement. As it stands now it probably wouldn't help or hurt you. You say that your volunteering has allowed for you to see past the simple distinction between victim and offender, but the way it is written doesn't allow for that jump to be made. Fleshing this out more by providing an example where the distinction between the two is blurred might help in authenticating the change.

[CortninO]

Sincerely, thanks for the input dlbuhr! I now agree, I need to go a bit more in depth on the duplicity of the roles.

Though I am removing the highschool bit, I wanted to somehow establish that this desire hasn't come about in the past 3 months or whatever just to boost my apps. I didn't include it in my resume or anywhere on the application due to it being before college, so any advice on if there's a different way to word it? Or if I should add it elsewhere, or just forget about it?

& if I'm able to help you with yours at all, I'd be happy to.

Thanks everyone for your help, and again, any and all opinions are appreciated!

[dlbuhr]

No problem. Glad to help. Honestly, I don't think admissions would care one way or the other if your desire has formed in the last three months or not. If you want to establish it though, instead of the high school part, you could just say something along the lines of "Community service has been a central focus of my life for as long as I can remember" or something along those lines.

Also I just posted my third and hopefully last draft. Care to give it a look over?