2nd Draft. Comments much appreciated. Forum

[zephyr36]

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[weejonbu]

Seems like a pretty legit experience. I think it's good the way you talk about what you felt and how you learned things from this. Still, seems like it could be a little more engaging of a narrative.

Maybe a few more drafts, but it seems to be coming along.

[zephyr36]

Seems like a pretty legit experience. I think it's good the way you talk about what you felt and how you learned things from this. Still, seems like it could be a little more engaging of a narrative.

Maybe a few more drafts, but it seems to be coming along.

Can you elaborate? What about it seemed flat?

[weejonbu]

Seems like a pretty legit experience. I think it's good the way you talk about what you felt and how you learned things from this. Still, seems like it could be a little more engaging of a narrative.

Maybe a few more drafts, but it seems to be coming along.

Can you elaborate? What about it seemed flat?

For one thing, it's a tad on the long side--close to three full pages if you double space with Times New Roman 12point. While some schools (Berkeley) have a four-page limit, and some don't even put a limit on there, a lot of schools require it to be no more than two pages.

You have a very unique experience and story, but I too often you tell me instead of show me about what happened and what you took from the experience. Parliamentary debate is extremely fascinating... sometimes I youtube it just to watch the show. Try to capture some of that excitement and let it bleed into your story.