Revised PS...PLEASE rip it apart Forum

[bigkahuna2020]

It's still a little rough (and I am writing an alternate) but is the concept good or is it just bad?
... REVISED
..under revision lemme know if u wanna exchange

[meh3884]

1. this sentence is long and confusing. try break it up to get your meaning across?
2. I wouldn't use caps to emphasize. It doesn't do a whole lot for that sentence anyways.
Lastly, when you compare the US and Chinese systems, remember that the people reading this are experienced in the US court system...so your view on how it works might come off as, at worst, arrogant, and at best, naive.

Just my thoughts. I personally think you can pull it off.

edit: removed quote.

[bigkahuna2020]

Yea not using caps---those are for words I know I can improve vocab wise

I agree that it might seem silly to talk about the US court system as a 0L but I really wanted to make a link to the law beyond just generalities...a thin line to tread because on one side it sounds hopelessly vague and on the other it sounds arrogant.

Thanks for the advise.

Anyone have suggestions?

[StillHerexxx]

I felt like I was reading a paper on the politics and issues in Shanghai, not about you. The PS isn't suppose to impress them with how much you know about court systems and politics in other countries. Let them into how the experience affected you. Maybe it got more into this at the end, but I lost interest a few sentences in. It was tedious to read. The experience seems really useful though, if you craft it a little different.

[bigkahuna2020]

I felt like I was reading a paper on the politics and issues in Shanghai, not about you. The PS isn't suppose to impress them with how much you know about court systems and politics in other countries. Let them into how the experience affected you. Maybe it got more into this at the end, but I lost interest a few sentences in. It was tedious to read. The experience seems really useful though, if you craft it a little different.

Revised to bring up my interests...I think it has a little too much of me talking/sounding like I am trying to impress them BUT this is just to show the links between the law and my interests...unsure of how to say this without getting too much into it.

Critique it harshly, please

[BrownBears09]

Felt more like a historical brief, rather than a personal statement.

[bigkahuna2020]

Yea. I get that. Back to the drawing board.