Need grammatical help Forum

[URMdan]

I am having trouble with a sentence. Is somebody willing to read it over for me and tell me if it sounds right?

[philosoraptor]

Post it. Redact/replace sensitive info if need be.

[URMdan]

This is the last sentence of my PS.

I have been challenged in unique ways and persevered through unorthodox circumstances, which is why I am confident that law school - the natural extension of my ability, personality, and interests - will foster the spirit that allowed me to help my family when they needed me most.

[philosoraptor]

This is the last sentence of my PS.

I have been challenged in unique ways and persevered through unorthodox circumstances, which is why I am confident that law school - the natural extension of my ability, personality, and interests - will foster the spirit that allowed me to help my family when they needed me most.

Technically, your grammar is fine. But you're trying to cram too much into one sentence -- that's probably why you're having trouble with it. Try breaking it up into discrete units corresponding to the specific ideas you'd like to get across.

Overall, you've got a lot of generalities and buzzwords in there. I hope the rest of the PS has plenty of details and vivid writing.

[thecilent]

The grammar is fine. The sentence is weak.

[URMdan]

Would this be better?

I have been challenged in unique ways and persevered through unorthodox circumstances. This is why I am confident that law school, which I believe is the natural extension of my ability, personality, and interests, will foster the same spirit that allowed me to help my family when they needed me most.

[thecilent]

I like the first one more.

I just don't like the whole "foster the same spirit." Why is your closing argument for going to law school that it will foster some spirit for you? Idk.

Take my comments lightly; my PS apparently wasn't great.

[yesyesyes]

if i'm not mistaken, the "natural extension" type sentencing is found in a sample statement online. i've seen several with that. don't know if you came up with it or not, but may wanna change it... no suggestions though lol.