Need help on Ohio Personal Statement..PLEASE! :) Forum

[osumccoy.348]

please I need help on this, maybe some advice on conclusion?


What is unique about me and my personal experiences/background? Describe strengths as a potential law student and how Capital will help achieve those goals.

I still remember my first law school class. I participated and was even acknowledged by the professor. Only my experience was not as an enrolled student but rather as the son of an enrolled student. I was seven and my mother was attending classes at the Oklahoma City School of Law and allowed me to come with her. It began the first of many times I would attend law related events with my mother and with it inspire me to apply to law school after college. My respect for the study of law would carry into my adult life, and with my current aspirations request admission to Capital University Law School
My mother became my role model for more than the typical reasons. She balanced raising three kids on her own while earning her JD. She would go on to earn her LLM in Business and Taxation here, at Capital Law School after graduation. It took a ton of growing up to realize what my mother gave to raise my siblings and me right. The sacrifices she made would leave a lasting impact in helping me develop my values and define what it means to be strong in the face of adversity.
My life has been filled with experiences and moments that have shaped who I am and what I value but not without a price. I had to face a battle to overcome adversity to really understand what was important to me. I found that early in my life I succeeded at school and at most activities I sought to accomplish. In a twist of fate this led me to develop apathy towards school, a regret that was superseded by personal tragedy. During my junior and senior years while attending the Ohio State University, my mother was hospitalized for diabetes and severe liver disease. Seeing my role model, my motivation, my mother in that critical state convinced me to not let life slip by me but to turn my life around and grow. It was this adversity from which I would emerge stronger than ever.
Since these life-changing experiences, perseverance allowed me to develop leadership skills and personal motivation. I am a proud recipient of a degree in political science from the Ohio State University. This displays my abilities to write professionally and use logical reasoning skills to critically analyze and defend through argument problems within the world. My grades steadily improved during times of great adversity. My much improved score on the LSAT demonstrates that I am more than capable to perform well at Capital Law School and in turn give back to the great city of Columbus. I have demonstrated a clear ability to improve even when the odds were against me.
I embody the characteristics of straightforwardness and the ability to view a problem from all sides and plan to implement those skills in order to achieve success in the field of law. One of the concentrations offered by Capital Law School, Dispute Resolution, requires personalities to be consistently clear and concise. The ability to develop cogent arguments and implement them is a skill I developed during my course work in political science at Ohio State. I recognize the fact that Capital Law School is very proud of their Dispute Resolution Program and I believe I have the ability to both thrive and excel if enrolled into your juris doctor program.
I also have a vested interest in the prestigious Children and Family Law program at Capital. This really speaks to me on a personal level. Coming from a family that has endured many hardships, keeping the family together in the toughest times is the most important aspect of a child’s life. I feel that I could excel in the field of Family and Children Law and be more than successful in helping families that struggled just like mine has. I am also deeply interested in joining Capital University Law Review and the National Moot Court team
I have extensive goals that must be achieved through the means of attending a law school that fits my criteria and has opportunities to help me thrive in this competitive market. I have considered using my background in political science to help foster a career within the government or to practice criminal, juvenile, family and civil law in Ohio. While attending Capital, I plan to take advantage of the Pro Bono Program to give back to the legal community and would be interested in long-term commitments.
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[osumccoy.348]

pleeeeeeeeeeeeease someone

[3|ink]

There’s a lot of fluff in here.

please I need help on this, maybe some advice on conclusion?

I still remember my first law school class. I participated and was even acknowledged by the professor. Only my experience was not as an enrolled student but rather as the son of an enrolled student. I was seven and my mother was attending classes at the Oklahoma City School of Law and allowed me to come with her. It began the first of many times I would attend law related events with my mother and with it inspire me to apply to law school after college. My respect for the study of law would carry into my adult life, and with my current aspirations request admission to Capital University Law School
Save Mom for later--My mother became my role model for more than the typical reasons. She balanced raising three kids on her own while earning her JD. She would go on to earn her LLM in Business and Taxation here, at Capital Law School after graduation. It took a ton of growing up to realize what my mother gave to raise my siblings and me right. The sacrifices she made would leave a lasting impact in helping me develop my values and define what it means to be strong in the face of adversity.
My life has been filled with experiences and moments that have shaped who I am and what I value but not without a price. I had to face a battle to overcome adversity to really understand what was important to me. I found that early in my life I succeeded at school and at most activities I sought to accomplish. In a twist of fate this led me to develop apathy towards school, a regret that was superseded by personal tragedy. During my junior and senior years while attending the at Ohio State University, my mother was hospitalized for diabetes and severe liver disease. Seeing my role model, my motivation, my mother in that critical state convinced me to not let life slip by me but to turn my life around and grow. It was this adversity from which I would emerge stronger than ever.

I’m a little confused. How would this experience give you a carpe diem feeling? I would definitely write a paragraph about that experience, but you need to find a better way to tie that in with your aspirations for law.

Since these life-changing experiences, perseverance allowed me to develop leadership skills and personal motivation.

Sounds like a resume.

I am a proud recipient of a degree in political science from the Ohio State University.

Resume.

This displays my abilities to write professionally and use logical reasoning skills to critically analyze and defend through argument problems within the world. My grades steadily improved during times of great adversity. My much improved score on the LSAT demonstrates that I am more than capable to perform well at Capital Law School and in turn give back to the great city of Columbus. I have demonstrated a clear ability to improve even when the odds were against me.

Statements like this are cheap. However, describing experiences that demonstrate these abilities without explicitly selling yourself lends you some credibility.

I embody the characteristics of straightforwardness and the ability to view a problem from all sides and plan to implement those skills in order to achieve success in the field of law. One of the concentrations offered by Capital Law School, Dispute Resolution, requires personalities to be consistently clear and concise. The ability to develop cogent arguments and implement them is a skill I developed during my course work in political science at Ohio State. I recognize the fact that Capital Law School is very proud of their Dispute Resolution Program and I believe I have the ability to both thrive and excel if enrolled into your juris doctor program.

Let your resume show the above-mentioned qualifications. Let your personal statement show why you are interested in dispute resolution.

I also have a vested interest in the prestigious Children and Family Law program at Capital. This really speaks to me on a personal level. Coming from a family that has endured many hardships, keeping the family together in the toughest times is the most important aspect of a child’s life. I feel that I could excel in the field of Family and Children Law and be more than successful in helping families that struggled just like mine has. I am also deeply interested in joining Capital University Law Review and the National Moot Court team

Try to avoid dropping lines you know these people hear every day. “This really speaks to me on a personal level” is definitely one of them. Did you have any personal experiences with child welfare folks growing up? That would work well if Child and Family Law.

I have extensive goals that must be achieved through the means of attending a law school that fits my criteria and has opportunities to help me thrive in this competitive market. I have considered using my background in political science to help foster a career within the government or to practice criminal, juvenile, family and civil law in Ohio. While attending Capital, I plan to take advantage of the Pro Bono Program to give back to the legal community and would be interested in long-term commitments.
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This conclusion has to sound more like a conclusion and less like an intermediate paragraph.

[osumccoy.348]

Thanks so much for looking over my rough personal statement.

I was wondering how I would formulate a conclusion, what would it say etc.

After looking over this, what would you say should be the structure/order of main points.

1. original intro, with tweaks
2. write out a paragraph about me
3.
4.

etc..

should I save mom for addendum? what else could i include?