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JJDancer · Post by **JJDancer** » Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:13 pm

Thanks.

JJDancer · Post by **JJDancer** » Thu Dec 02, 2010 11:30 pm

Anyone on this forum tonight?

DamnLSAT · Post by **DamnLSAT** » Fri Dec 03, 2010 12:44 am

I'm here. Give me a bit to read yours and I'll comment.

Read mine in a PM?

DamnLSAT · Post by **DamnLSAT** » Fri Dec 03, 2010 12:59 am

OK - just read it.

First thing - it's way too long, and you take forever getting to a point that I assumed you were going to make after the first paragraph. I think you need to talk more about yourself in the first paragraph too.

The opening quote should lose the first sentence too. Just use the last one. The shortness of that sentence delivers more power than the two combined. Plus, I spent time trying to figure out what you were actually saying.

I also think the "sept 11" mention is forced. It has little relevance, and it looks like a conspicuous emotion grab.

I think the second paragraph could be shortened to a single sentence and placed at the end of Para 1.

Lastly, I think your point is made by about the fourth paragraph and the rest drags the essay on. Get to your point at the end much sooner and I think the essay wraps up well.

JJDancer · Post by **JJDancer** » Fri Dec 03, 2010 1:01 am

DamnLSAT wrote:I'm here. Give me a bit to read yours and I'll comment.

Read mine in a PM?

Sure.

DamnLSAT · Post by **DamnLSAT** » Fri Dec 03, 2010 1:06 am

sent it.

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