Editing on a part of my PS Forum

[nfuller]

Hi,

I was hoping anyone could give me some advice on part of my personal statement. I'm trying to make it stand more/ be more interesting and thought I'd try to route of telling a story and using it as an analogy regarding my life. I don't really have any extremely sensational trials or tribulations to talk about so I wove what I could out of my own life. The analogy I'm trying to draw with this story is that I've never looked for the easy way out, I'm persistent, and I take advantage of my surroundings. I intend on drawing these connections explicitly in the next paragraph (Should I make connections in this paragraph?). My main concern off the bat is that its too long (a problem I also run into on the additional essays), so any advice on how to shorten it would be greatly appreciated. To any one that takes the time, Thank you very much!



"It was a crisp autumn day about a year ago and I was off right after breakfast to do some fishing. I went to my favorite stream, a smaller stream consisting of a series cool deep pools and shallows runs cutting a gorge through stone in the woods of northern Connecticut, in search of trout. The stream usually proved to be bountiful, in part to the catch and release practices of myself and the few individuals I'd introduced to the stream. I started with my fly rod, both because I needed practice and wanted to make the hunt a bit more challenging. After making my way upstream through a few pools by way of shimmying along rock ledges and wooded detours and trying multiple flies I was having no luck, not so much as a rise. When I was about ready to give up on the fly and head back to my car for my spinning reel I made one final cast and saw a large trout make a strike at my fly. I could tell by the flash of fluorescent orange I saw from his belly that it was a very mature brook trout, a rarity in this stream. I made some more casts, tied a few more flies, but could not lure him to the surface. I decided to move swiftly back to my car and get my spinning gear, which given my cramped quarters would make for easier casting. I intended on using some lures, but on my way back from the car, I flipped over a few rocks and collected some worms. After a few casts with a worm there was no sign of the brook trout so I moved down stream one pool. With one cast towards the shallow flow of water at the head of the pool I had hit, set the hook, and could feel a massive tug on my line. I could see enough of the fish under the water to tell it wasn't the fish from before and when it rose I saw a beautiful rainbow trout on my line. I finally pulled it in and was thrilled when I could immediately tell that it was the largest trout I'd ever caught. "

[NZA]

Hey!

I would reconsider your approach. There's not a whole lot of you coming out of this paragraph...which is ironic, since you often start your sentences with, "I [verb]..."

Realistically, unless your search for that trout somehow relates to the rest of your essay in a particularly profound way, I can't see much of it working. BUT, I do like the idea, so I'd stick with it. I think it would be helpful to see the rest of the essay, though, to get an idea what exactly you're trying to do with this one.

You can PM it to me, or maybe post it here for everyone else?