Comments on my intro. Forum

[Drkish525]

Hello. So, I'm trying to write my first draft of my personal statement and I'm inevitably worried that I'm way off base. I would greatly appreciate any comments or critiques as I write the rest of the statement. Thanks!

[atkpl]

it makes me wanna read the next part.

so I guess it's good!

[OliveM]

It makes me want to read the rest, too. Most of the sentences were way too lengthy and descriptive though. I felt like I had to re-read a few because by the time I got to the end it was almost like I couldn't remember how the sentence started. I think you should be more simple and concise. I really liked how you used "room 17" to describe your new home. I didn't really like how you used "the heavens" to describe the sky. It seems too fantastical to be in a law school essay. It definitely has potential.

[rbahdi]

It makes me want to read the rest, too. Most of the sentences were way too lengthy and descriptive though. I felt like I had to re-read a few because by the time I got to the end it was almost like I couldn't remember how the sentence started. I think you should be more simple and concise. I really liked how you used "room 17" to describe your new home. I didn't really like how you used "the heavens" to describe the sky. It seems too fantastical to be in a law school essay. It definitely has potential.

I really like this intro. I have to respectfully disagree with Olive. I don't think that the sentences are too lengthy or descriptive. IMO I think that the length of your sentences works with your content. Most of the paragraph is about your internal thoughts and is a stream of consciousness-like narrative. As we all know our thoughts aren't always simple and concise. But I do agree that sometimes your choice of words comes across as a bit awkward. For example, when I read "genesis of my dedication to serve the public" it suggested to me a self-importance that belied the argument you were trying to make about public service.

[DukeCornell]

It makes me want to read the rest, too. Most of the sentences were way too lengthy and descriptive though. I felt like I had to re-read a few because by the time I got to the end it was almost like I couldn't remember how the sentence started. I think you should be more simple and concise. I really liked how you used "room 17" to describe your new home. I didn't really like how you used "the heavens" to describe the sky. It seems too fantastical to be in a law school essay. It definitely has potential.

I really like this intro. I have to respectfully disagree with Olive. I don't think that the sentences are too lengthy or descriptive. IMO I think that the length of your sentences works with your content. Most of the paragraph is about your internal thoughts and is a stream of consciousness-like narrative. As we all know our thoughts aren't always simple and concise. But I do agree that sometimes your choice of words comes across as a bit awkward. For example, when I read "genesis of my dedication to serve the public" it suggested to me a self-importance that belied the argument you were trying to make about public service.

+1