Personal statement draft 1.5 Forum

[a tergo lupi]

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[LSATNightmares]

I like the idea behind this essay. I think the first paragraph is the weakest, because you talk too much about Albania and not enough about you. It is important to set the scene there, but I think it can be tigthened. You may wish to talk about how the lack of public participation in Albania was nonexistant to connect it with the ideas end the end of the essay. Btw, I liked how the last paragraph ties in with your desire to go to law school. I didn't think you would explain why law, but you did.

[capitalacq]

you've definitely got something good to work with

2nd paragraph drags on a bit. as nightmare said, focus more on yourself (either your feelings or evaluation of the situation) rather than just describing what happened. maybe tie it together by talking about why you wanted to come to the US

3rd paragraph is good. I like how it gives insight into how you felt and what your situation was

4th paragraph could use some reworking. instead of just listing off things you did, maybe focus on a specific one and how you felt/what you did/why you felt included (maybe it was a common challenge or goal that united you and allowed you to build a connection)

as of now, 5th paragraph seems out of place. if you make the above changes to the fourth paragraph, you can then tie your personal experience to the bigger picture regarding the character of the US. I think you'll have an easier time rewriting this paragraph once you fix the previous one.

and the last paragraph also needs to be reworked. get rid of the first sentence (its useless), second sentence is just a blanket statement that doesn't really mean anything (why is it the fairest? maybe you can change it to an actual comparison to the system in Albania by talking about how your opportunity/participation differs from what your parents had in Albania).. and im iffy on the last sentence. I read it and I just ask "why?" if you cant change it to answer that, then delete it

[Saltqjibo]

First two paragraphs are great - really grabbed me. Unfortunately it kind of goes down hill after. Maybe try to make the ending as vivid as the beggining?

[CanadianWolf]

This is a very good essay except for the last two sentences.

[a tergo lupi]

Thanks for the helpful replies, guys. This will be up for a few more hours to see if it gets any more replies, then I'm rewriting and hopefully sending it in if I'm convinced it's good enough. Anyways, should I also write a diversity statement with this, or is this essentially performing both functions?