Personal Statement Conclusion Forum

[elm84dr]

...

[Saltqjibo]

eschew obfuscation, espouse elucidation

[elm84dr]

Well, the conclusion is really the only part where I use a plethora of words that are seem like I used a thesaurus, but in reality, that is how I write and speak. It's pretty toned down throughout, would you like a full read?

[apparentlynew]

Omit needless words:

"by their implementation"

should be

"by them"

If you have time, go buy a copy of Elements of Style and do what it tells you.

Big words will make you seem like you are trying to show off through your vocabulary. That is bad. Whether or not you always talk like that in person is irrelevant to whether talking like that makes you come off poorly.

Also consider changing your rhythm, you have a lot of sentences which run

Clause, clause.

and

Clause, clause, clause.

Try some shorter sentences. It will break up the monotony. Your friends are correct, write simply.

[elm84dr]

Anyone willing to read???

[capitalacq]

Well, the conclusion is really the only part where I use a plethora of words that are seem like I used a thesaurus, but in reality, that is how I write and speak. It's pretty toned down throughout, would you like a full read?

do you really write and speak like this? that could complicate the whole "lawyer" thing

[billyez]

Well, the conclusion is really the only part where I use a plethora of words that are seem like I used a thesaurus, but in reality, that is how I write and speak. It's pretty toned down throughout, would you like a full read?

This might be how you speak and write, but I don't believe it's good writing. You need to simplify this; other posters were correct in invoking Strunk and White's mantra of "Omit Needless Words." That phrase certainly needs to apply here.

Also, if this is really the only part of your PS where you adopt this kind of style that creates an even stronger argument for why you should simplify this paragraph. In that instance, the style of this paragraph would be out-of-place.


I should note that I actually really like the substance of this conclusion. I don't advocate making this conclusion lifeless. I just think you should tone it down to the same level as other parts of your PS instead. Some of the wording here works to obscure the point rather than explain it.

[WayBryson]

This is horrible. It reads like somebody got done playing a round of strip-Scrabble on the tale end of binge and then tried to make a conclusion using as many of the words on the board as possible, with special emphasis placed on triple word scores. I am not saying this to be rude, but really, this conclusion can only hurt your application. This won't help you lend a voice to the disenfranchised, but it might just make you one of them. Take a tip from Hemmingway and never use a big word where a simple word will do.

FYI:
http://onlinedictionary.datasegment.com/word/vignette

vignette
4 definitions found

vignette - Collaborative International Dictionary of English v.0.48 :

Vignette \Vi*gnette"\ (?; 277), n. [F. vignette, fr. vigne a
vine. See Vine, and cf. Vinette.]
1. (Arch.) A running ornament consisting of leaves and
tendrils, used in Gothic architecture.
[1913 Webster]

2. A decorative design, originally representing vine branches
or tendrils, at the head of a chapter, of a manuscript or
printed book, or in a similar position; hence, by
extension, any small picture in a book; hence, also, as
such pictures are often without a definite bounding line,
any picture, as an engraving, a photograph, or the like,
which vanishes gradually at the edge.
[1913 Webster]

3. A picture, illustration, or depiction in words, esp. one
of a small or dainty kind.
[Webster 1913 Suppl.]

Vignette \Vi*gnette"\, v. t.
To make, as an engraving or a photograph, with a border or
edge insensibly fading away.
[1913 Webster]

vignette - WordNet (r) 2.1 (2005) :

vignette
n 1: a brief literary description [syn: sketch, vignette]
2: a photograph whose edges shade off gradually
3: a small illustrative sketch (as sometimes placed at the
beginning of chapters in books)

vignette - Moby Thesaurus II by Grady Ward, 1.0 :

123 Moby Thesaurus words for "vignette":
Bildungsroman, Gothic novel, aquatint, autolithograph,
black and white, block, block print, brouillon, cameo, cartoon,
catalog, cataloging, character, character sketch, characterization,
charcoal, charcoal drawing, chiaroscuro, chromolithograph,
color print, comic novel, copperplate, copperplate print, crayon,
crayon engraving, cut, delineation, depiction, description, design,
details, detective novel, diagram, dime novel, doodle, draft,
drawing, dreadful, ebauche, engravement, engraving,
epistolary novel, erotic novel, esquisse, etching, evocation,
graph, graphic account, graphotype, historical novel, image,
imagery, impress, impression, imprint, itemization, limning,
line drawing, linoleum-block print, lithograph, mezzotint,
negative, nouvelle, novel, novel of character, novel of ideas,
novel of incident, novel of manners, novel of sensibility,
novelette, novella, particularization, pastel, pen-and-ink,
pencil drawing, penny dreadful, photograph, picaresque novel,
picture, pornographic novel, portrayal, print, problem novel,
profile, proletarian novel, propaganda novel, psychological novel,
regional novel, rendering, rendition, representation, river novel,
roman, roman a clef, roman-fleuve, rough copy, rough draft,
rough outline, rubber-block print, satirical novel,
science-fiction novel, sentimental novel, shilling shocker,
short story, short-short, silhouette, silver-print drawing,
sinopia, sketch, sociological novel, specification, storiette,
stream-of-consciousness novel, study, thesis novel, tracing,
vivid description, wood engraving, woodblock, woodcut, woodprint,
word painting, xylograph

[elm84dr]

I actually love TLS for the brutality of the honesty here! Here is a revision. ALSO, vignettes are like a pieces of a whole story or picture told in prose, like The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros.

I want to expand my impact. Teaching has sharpened my communication, presentation and collaboration abilities. I am ready to put them to use in a new sphere. My varied life experiences will offer me a dynamic perspective that takes into account those who are most likely to be disenfranchised in the obscurities of legal policy. I want to give them a voice.

[capitalacq]

"I am ready to put them"
say what "them" is (i.e. "those skills")

[WayBryson]

I want to expand my impact. Teaching has sharpened my communication, presentation and collaboration abilities. I am ready to put them to use in a new sphere. My varied life experiences will offer me a dynamic perspective that takes into account those who are most likely to be disenfranchised in the obscurities of legal policy. I want to give them a voice.

Nice. This reads quite well. I have a couple of small stylistic suggestions though. Join the second and third sentences. The ideas are linked so it would help the flow. I also like the previous poster's suggestion of using "these skills" instead of "them." Also, "My varied life skills will offer..." I'd drop "will." You already have the experiences You might also drop "most likely to be."

EDIT:
I want to expand my impact. Teaching has sharpened my communication, presentation and collaboration abilities, and I am ready to put these skills to use in a new sphere. My varied life experiences offer me a dynamic perspective that takes into account those who are disenfranchised by the obscurities of legal policy. I want to give them a voice.