Personal Statement - any and all help Forum

[TexasGE]

Removed...

[CanadianWolf]

Beautifully written, but what are you trying to accomplish with this essay ?

P.S. Claiming "a passionate temper" is not likely to help your cause.

P.P.S. "my sister and I's" ?

[TexasGE]

Thank you for your quick reply! I REALLY appreciate your input.

Well, basically I am trying to highlight a point in my life where not only its occurrence, but my reaction to it helped shape me in some form or fashion. I tried to tie the situation in with my personality and dedication to my decisions and goals in the last paragraph. I guess that does not come across? Thinking...

Thank you for the 'my sister and I's' point out...

[Flips88]

The story is fascinating and gripping, but it reads like you're pitching a screenplay not yourself as a law candidate. The anecdote takes up 90% of the statement and does little to reveal much about yourself except that you have experienced a very traumatizing event. You need to define yourself a little bit more outside of just the shooting event.

[glitter178]

It is well written, but if that is your point, you are taking too long to make it. Adcomms aren't going to get past the first three sentences.

Also: i've read about 10 PS's that start with "I can still remember the sight, sound, smell, whatever" of some memorable experience. Too cliche.

[TexasGE]

Understood and thank you for responding!! So..I need to make a point sooner instead of telling so much of the story? I am also getting from your responses that I need to incorporate more of myself and why I will be a successful law student into the statement somehow.

Glitter - I don't want my PS to be cliche so will be re-thinking the first sentence...thank you!

[Flips88]

Understood and thank you for responding!! So..I need to make a point sooner instead of telling so much of the story? I am also getting from your responses that I need to incorporate more of myself and why I will be a successful law student into the statement somehow.

Glitter - I don't want my PS to be cliche so will be re-thinking the first sentence...thank you!

There are a lot of rather cliche or cheesy lines in here.

Examples:

"Seemingly, that is."

"undoubtedly flying into my future."

"playing ding dong ditch with my life"

"I am still that 11 year old girl, albeit a little older, and a little wiser, with the same passionate temper and intense dedication, ready to take on the world, face my fears, and embark on new challenges."
-a) a little older? 15 years isn't just a little.
-b) a little wiser? I would hope you've matured since age 11

I'm know that's not your intent, but that's what I thought when I read that.

[TexasGE]

Thanks flip! They are pretty 'cheeseballish'. I appreciate your help.

[TexasGE]

Should I change 'playing ding dong ditch' to 'playing a deadly game' or 'playing games'? Remove altogether?

I have a feeling my description of my traumatic event is a little TOO dramatic. Trying to tone it down and work more of myself into the piece.

Thank you so much for the help already!

[glitched]

Cool story brah. lol no really - it was a good story. but then what right? you've been hearing that all night so i'll give my two cents on grammatical issues.

You have a ton of run-ons. I was planning to quote but they were everywhere. I understand it can be considered style as you are trying to tell a story that is fast paced and exciting, but run-ons are still ungrammatical.

I remember every sound, every sensation from that night, the tapping echo of the ball that bounced back

I would go with "I remember every sound, every sensation from that night: the tapping... list, list, list and end list"

flying through my sister and I’s innocent backyard ball game

"My sister and MY innocent backyard ball game" - that's the just correction, not the best choice in words. I don't think an "I" can be possessive. Ever. With that being said:

the man that could have easily murdered my sister and I

should be - "my sister and ME".


hope this was useful.

[TexasGE]

Thank you, that helps!

[oshberg28]

Should I change 'playing ding dong ditch' to 'playing a deadly game' or 'playing games'? Remove altogether?

I have a feeling my description of my traumatic event is a little TOO dramatic. Trying to tone it down and work more of myself into the piece.

Thank you so much for the help already!

Well, I laughed when I read "ding dong ditch"...I've never heard of this phrase (just looked it up, so I can see that it's a 'common' phrase), so there's a chance the person reading it hasn't either. So if you're not going for a laugh there, take it out.