Final Draft Please Read Forum
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spencer1888
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:40 pm
Final Draft Please Read
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Last edited by spencer1888 on Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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srb
- Posts: 61
- Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 12:49 am
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Deleted per poster's request
Last edited by srb on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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spencer1888
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:40 pm
Re: Final Draft Please Read
Thank you! Any thoughts on overall effectiveness?
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gamblera
- Posts: 28
- Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:33 pm
Re: Final Draft Please Read
"playing cops and robbers and traversing the neighborhood via the fences and courtyards that linked houses and apartment buildings of Brooklyn." sounds forced.
then there is a reference to you being in some tech position in high school. when i read that i was like "why do i care about high school ecs. i want to know about college."
"the program is considered to be a mini llm" by who?? you should talk about how it is sweet, not how it is some mini watered down program of something
all in all, i see what you are trying to get at: "sister made me do shit when i was younger that i didnt like, now it is helping me and has prepared me for law school" but the middle is shaky. work on linking ideas
hope that helps
then there is a reference to you being in some tech position in high school. when i read that i was like "why do i care about high school ecs. i want to know about college."
"the program is considered to be a mini llm" by who?? you should talk about how it is sweet, not how it is some mini watered down program of something
all in all, i see what you are trying to get at: "sister made me do shit when i was younger that i didnt like, now it is helping me and has prepared me for law school" but the middle is shaky. work on linking ideas
hope that helps
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gamblera
- Posts: 28
- Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:33 pm
Re: Final Draft Please Read
you elaborate on things that dont interest me (bookshelves and books etc). I want to read details about stuff that matters (that tax llm program and what got you interest in that, how that program moved you).
srry double post
srry double post
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shoop
- Posts: 326
- Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:52 pm
Re: Final Draft Please Read
I've never heard of Meryl Lynch. It sounds like an Oscar nominee had a baby with an investment bank.
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gamblera
- Posts: 28
- Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:33 pm
Re: Final Draft Please Read
definitely correct that. good eyeshoop wrote:I've never heard of Meryl Lynch. It sounds like an Oscar nominee had a baby with an investment bank.
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SortOfObsessed
- Posts: 87
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm
Re: Final Draft Please Read
I enjoy your writing style, but I feel like the PS itself is too sequential in nature.
What is more recent (i.e. college) deserves more detail in your PS than what occurred years ago. I'd rather you scrap the stuff with "key club" and delve into more detail with your experience with the Volunteer Income Tax Assistance program. Maybe provide more examples of what you did with that organization, who you helped, etc. because it sounds like a role that will exhibit your leadership skills and also your commitment to social responsibility.
Also, "Halfway through the course it dawned on me that taxation and law were intricately related. In fact, taxation is law. I realized I wanted to go to law school." Mentioning your epiphany about going to law school is the worst law school PS cliche of all time. Definitely remove this, or rephrase it in some other way.
"My love of infant criminality" does not sound right. It sounds like you enjoy baby felons.
Anyhow, best of luck to you! Your sister sounds like a wonderful person.
What is more recent (i.e. college) deserves more detail in your PS than what occurred years ago. I'd rather you scrap the stuff with "key club" and delve into more detail with your experience with the Volunteer Income Tax Assistance program. Maybe provide more examples of what you did with that organization, who you helped, etc. because it sounds like a role that will exhibit your leadership skills and also your commitment to social responsibility.
Also, "Halfway through the course it dawned on me that taxation and law were intricately related. In fact, taxation is law. I realized I wanted to go to law school." Mentioning your epiphany about going to law school is the worst law school PS cliche of all time. Definitely remove this, or rephrase it in some other way.
"My love of infant criminality" does not sound right. It sounds like you enjoy baby felons.
Anyhow, best of luck to you! Your sister sounds like a wonderful person.
