Please read, need to submit!!! Forum

[kruiz88]

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[kruiz88]

Did I talk enough about myself?

[The Gentleman]

Well if you need to submit this soon, then I'll limit my comments to grammar/wording/punctuation.

1st PP
- Consider changing "how to be a man" to something more politically correct. It could be construed as sexist.

2nd PP
- Eliminate or reword the third sentence. Combine the 4th/5th sentence into one.
- The 2nd paragraph is too long, break it up.
- I'm confused about what your task was for the archive. Were you looking through newspapers? Actually interviewing people? Or both? It needs to be worded more clearly.

3rd PP
- In the second to last sentence, change "much sacrifices" to "many sacrifices".

[piccolittle]

Also, last sentence: "He truly was the model for what I aspire to be."

[elm84dr]

Primo, way too much about you Abuelo. I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. Also, if this is a PS, I believe it can be about a paragraph longer. I don't think you have too much about yourself, remember, the PS is supposed to be about you and who you are.

[Aqualibrium]

I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. .

Should I have called my grandmother "big mama" in my PS to "reinforces the diversity I bring to the table?"

What kind of a ridiculous thing to say is that?

[elm84dr]

Dude, if thats what you called her, then yea. I'm a Latino of African descent, so you should peep my stats before you come rushing to judgement, I'm trying to help a brother out here. It makes the story more engaging when you refer to someone in that kind of endearing way. In my PS I refer to my parents as Mami and Pa. That's just me, and if Big Mama is in your PS and that's what you call her then why not?

[kruiz88]

Primo, way too much about you Abuelo. I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. Also, if this is a PS, I believe it can be about a paragraph longer. I don't think you have too much about yourself, remember, the PS is supposed to be about you and who you are.

OK, I'll add another paragraph on myself. Thank you elm84dr.

Also, last sentence: "He truly was the model for what I aspire to be."

Nice catch.

Well if you need to submit this soon, then I'll limit my comments to grammar/wording/punctuation."

Well I'd rather fix it if there is a major or fundamental error, did you spot any?

[The Gentleman]

Well I'd rather fix it if there is a major or fundamental error, did you spot any?

I didn't notice any major flaws in topic/theme/cohesiveness. Although at times you tend to focus too much on your grandfather instead of yourself. But overall, this is a pretty solid essay. Just clean up the mechanical stuff. (grammar/wording/sentence flow)

[kruiz88]

Sounds good, thanks.