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[gbpackerbacker]

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[gbpackerbacker]

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[plenipotentiary]

I think it's TMI.

[gbpackerbacker]

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[Fresh]

It's an ok start.

-No reason to talk about other applicants in the last paragraph (they already know this to be the case)
-End of paragraph 2: don't talk about the "one B grade"


My opinion on a diversity statement is that it's 'more okay' to tell rather than show, but I think that the way this is written makes your story unpersonal and disconnected from the reader. Incorporate more 'showing' and it'll be more effective

[plenipotentiary]

I think it's TMI.

How so?

Adcomms have read much more tragic biographies described with less self-pity ("despair," etc). They don't need to know the ugly details of your parents' divorce.

And honestly, growing up with a mom who yelled and didn't push you in school doesn't make you diverse.

The sentence where you compare yourself directly with more fortunate applicants is alienating; it makes you sound bitter.

As a whole, this essay doesn't make you seem interesting, likable, or insightful. It doesn't add anything to your application.

[gbpackerbacker]

I think it's TMI.

How so?

Adcomms have read much more tragic biographies described with less self-pity ("despair," etc). They don't need to know the ugly details of your parents' divorce.

And honestly, growing up with a mom who yelled and didn't push you in school doesn't make you diverse.

The sentence where you compare yourself directly with more fortunate applicants is alienating; it makes you sound bitter.

As a whole, this essay doesn't make you seem interesting, likable, or insightful. It doesn't add anything to your application.

noted, thank you.