PS help, last paragraph needs work Forum

[bigben5289]

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[plenipotentiary]

The whole thing needs work. This essay doesn't tell me anything about you as a person. I know that you used to participate in debate, and that you were nervous (like everyone else), but you still won, and your dad was proud. If you had ten minutes to talk to an adcomm, is that what you would say about yourself?

Also, I hope that's not your real name.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

are you still in UG? If so, which year? if you don't mind me asking.

the tone is too informal. EG:

I guess we got lost in a conversation and before we knew it,

[bigben5289]

are you still in UG? If so, which year? if you don't mind me asking.

the tone is too informal. EG:

I guess we got lost in a conversation and before we knew it,

I am a senior in undergrad

I wrote this when i was applying for undergrad and i thought it was a good narative that i could use for my personal statement, i need some help with the last paragraph, i have like 200 and 250 words to work with

[ShuckingNotJiving]

yeah, it reads like it was written by a 17 year old. which is why i asked your school year.

assuming this is for real, do not use this. think of new topic. surely you have something from your 3.5 years of college that is ps material.

[jazzluvr]

It's a mess. Errors all over the place. Get it professionally edited or you don't have a chance.