a new PS... rip it apart Forum

[hawaii]

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[ShuckingNotJiving]

just did a quick skim.

you need to tone down the first paragraph a bit. it's much too dramatic. words like suffocating, bloodcurdling, and sweltering, specifically.

the rest seems fine.

[hawaii]

I will take that into consideration. Thanks. Anyone else have any comments?

[WonkyPanda]

Overall it looks very solid. I do agree though that the description in the beginning goes a little bit too out of the way to set the scene. Other than that, it comes off nice and concise. Your points comes across very well and you show that you're not a stranger to the law. Just some tidying up around the edges and you've got a solid PS

[eve2490]

I think it sounds quite technical and more like a rundown of your past experiences (except for the 1st paragraph, where you really did paint a picture, however dramatic it may have been). I think you should be a little more illustrative in your body. The 2nd para. kind of puts the law in past tense, and that makes your words sound more boring than they should be. Up until the last few sentences where I see you did some really cool stuff and you got an award, I just think "ok cool" but it's very forgettable. The first paragraph is memorable. The few sentences in the end of the 4th para. are good because you did something impressive. Other people seem to think differently, but I thought I would try and give you some input anyway. Have somebody else read it aloud to you, you may be able to catch some of the things Im talking about it. Anyway, best of luck!

[mst]

I thought it was actually pretty darn good. That said, I also think the first paragraph is a bit much. First I thought somebody died in front of the courthouse, or somebody was murdered? Basically, tone down the drama please. Then, you make reference to how the law changed your whole life, and how you went from riches to rags... so I was like "OK so this essay is going be about how the law affected him growing up and played into various custody battles and etc etc." but then one line later you were like "JK NVM let me tell you about college :lawl:"

I'm not saying you need to ditch the first paragraph, it actually brought me into the personal statement, which was good... I normally stop reading these after 2 lines. Just tone it down a bit, especially since it really doesn't tie that much into the rest of your essay. And the jeeps? Useless and confusing description. Opening your essay with "The humidity was suffocating. Our white jeeps were parked under mango trees and while its shade provided some relief from sweltering heat" is basically screaming "OMG LOOK AT THIS ESSAY ITS SO MUCH LIKE AN AWESOME ACTION MOVIE" What the hell do any of these things have to do with your story? Maybe some other people like this stuff?

2)Have somebody go over this with a grammar pen. Ex: "under mango trees and while its shade"... while their* shade...

3)"Before long, I had a docket of litigation cases that resembled that of a first year attorney." I think the risk of using this sentence is not worth the reward. Nobody likes to see paralegals play lawyer, at least from what I've gained. Maybe 9/10 schools you apply to don't care, but this statement is good enough that you don't need to come off as cocky or arrogant. I would suggest something like "Eventually, I was given more responsibility and opportunities to view law in action blah blah" <--- paraphrased. Same purpose/meaning without being a douche.

[hawaii]

3)"Before long, I had a docket of litigation cases that resembled that of a first year attorney." I think the risk of using this sentence is not worth the reward. Nobody likes to see paralegals play lawyer, at least from what I've gained. Maybe 9/10 schools you apply to don't care, but this statement is good enough that you don't need to come off as cocky or arrogant. I would suggest something like "Eventually, I was given more responsibility and opportunities to view law in action blah blah" <--- paraphrased. Same purpose/meaning without being a douche.

Would it still sound arrogant if the same thing was said my recommendation from my boss?

[mst]

Let him say it, he is an attorney... he's qualified to pass judgement on that kind of stuff, and even if they don't like the fact he's saying it, they won't hold YOU accountable in any way. Let him say that kind of stuff. You don't need to.