Wording challenge Forum

[brickman]

Re-write, thanks for comments/suggestions.

[plenipotentiary]

Is this a flame? The problem is not that your writing is inaccessible. The problem is that it's bad.

Omit needless words.

[brickman]

Is this a flame? The problem is not that your writing is inaccessible. The problem is that it's bad.

Omit needless words.

Not flame, just bad, apparently. Can you be more specific?

[ads222]

This was difficult to read. Have you ever heard of purple prose?

I don't mean to be harsh, but clear and concise language wins out over "cheerfully undertak[ing] the forthcoming crucible" and the general ability to use a thesaurus (even if you didn't, it sounds like you did, and it's not impressive, just annoying).

Also...is this your personal statement? About how you wanted to do well on the LSAT, didn't score so hot, and apparently used the LSAT of all things to motivate you to restructure your behavior? Um. Really stimulating.

I kind of want this to be a parody.

[plenipotentiary]

Is this a flame? The problem is not that your writing is inaccessible. The problem is that it's bad.

Omit needless words.

Not flame, just bad, apparently. Can you be more specific?

You write like constipated people poop.

Look, most law school applicants have access to a thesaurus (though I imagine that yours is exceptionally dogearred). Your vocabulary is not going to impress anyone.

Your topic is pretty terrible, and you talk way too much about your feeeeeeelings. Cut all the parts that wouldn't matter to a stranger. Which would be all of it.

[brickman]

Is this a flame? The problem is not that your writing is inaccessible. The problem is that it's bad.

Omit needless words.

Not flame, just bad, apparently. Can you be more specific?

You write like constipated people poop.

Look, most law school applicants have access to a thesaurus (though I imagine that yours is exceptionally dogearred). Your vocabulary is not going to impress anyone.

Your topic is pretty terrible, and you talk way too much about your feeeeeeelings. Cut all the parts that wouldn't matter to a stranger. Which would be all of it.

It is certainly an essay about myself, that much I understand. I actually don't own a thesaurus or frequent its online counterpart, I just enjoy language a bit much. What would suggest is a more appropriate topic?

[brickman]

This was difficult to read. Have you ever heard of purple prose?

I don't mean to be harsh, but clear and concise language wins out over "cheerfully undertak[ing] the forthcoming crucible" and the general ability to use a thesaurus (even if you didn't, it sounds like you did, and it's not impressive, just annoying).

Also...is this your personal statement? About how you wanted to do well on the LSAT, didn't score so hot, and apparently used the LSAT of all things to motivate you to restructure your behavior? Um. Really stimulating.

I kind of want this to be a parody.

Gotcha, I can understand why people don't like the writing, though it was certainly a slow process in choosing words that I thought were appropriate.

Unfortunately I don't have a choice in determining what caused me to restructure my behavior and I don't wish to be dishonest about my actual motives.

[plenipotentiary]

Is this a flame? The problem is not that your writing is inaccessible. The problem is that it's bad.

Omit needless words.

Not flame, just bad, apparently. Can you be more specific?

You write like constipated people poop.

Look, most law school applicants have access to a thesaurus (though I imagine that yours is exceptionally dogearred). Your vocabulary is not going to impress anyone.

Your topic is pretty terrible, and you talk way too much about your feeeeeeelings. Cut all the parts that wouldn't matter to a stranger. Which would be all of it.

It is certainly an essay about myself, that much I understand. I actually don't own a thesaurus or frequent its online counterpart, I just enjoy language a bit much. What would suggest is a more appropriate topic?

Something that doesn't make you sound infantile and self-involved. Unfortunately, based on this essay, I have no idea what that might be.

[brickman]

I can appreciate the fact that it is infantile, unfortunately there is nothing I can do about the level of my emotional maturity. Could you be more clear in what you mean by self-involved? Do you mean overly self-reflective?

[plenipotentiary]

I can appreciate the fact that it is infantile, unfortunately there is nothing I can do about the level of my emotional maturity. Could you be more clear in what you mean by self-involved? Do you mean overly self-reflective?

Yes, that's what I mean. You are just too candid, introspective, and erudite for my taste. Carry on!

[catsparka]

Many of your sentences are very long and filled with unnecessary words. I felt like I couldn't breathe while reading your PS.

"post my behavioral re-structuring" <- does anyone actually talk/write like this? I feel like your PS in general sounds very artificial.

[dakatz]

OP, think of a personal statement this way: You are given 2 minutes to sit across from the admissions committee and speak to them. Those two minutes are your stage to convey something about yourself, anything you desire, and in any way you desire. If this is what you would choose to convey, and how you would choose to convey it, then you need to overhaul your perception of what you think people would want to hear.

The wording sounds downright silly. This is not the type of document where you play dress-up with words that have no need to be dressed up. Doesn't matter how much you "love language".

As for the topic, I think you can do better than this, personally. Again, this is your 2 minute audition. Given all the things in the world you can talk about while that stage is yours, I feel like you must have something that would allow you to take a bit more advantage than a story about your LSAT studying.

[brickman]

Many of your sentences are very long and filled with unnecessary words. I felt like I couldn't breathe while reading your PS.

"post my behavioral re-structuring" <- does anyone actually talk/write like this? I feel like your PS in general sounds very artificial.

The reason I wrote like that is that I wanted to capture a concept in as compact as a manner as possible. There is a spacial limit (2 pages, I believe). Further, I don't think the way one talks is necessarily the way one should write. Consider the medium, you have an opportunity to revise and distill to make your point in less words by using words that carry a larger informational punch.

[brickman]

OP, think of a personal statement this way: You are given 2 minutes to sit across from the admissions committee and speak to them. Those two minutes are your stage to convey something about yourself, anything you desire, and in any way you desire. If this is what you would choose to convey, and how you would choose to convey it, then you need to overhaul your perception of what you think people would want to hear.

The wording sounds downright silly. This is not the type of document where you play dress-up with words that have no need to be dressed up. Doesn't matter how much you "love language".

As for the topic, I think you can do better than this, personally. Again, this is your 2 minute audition. Given all the things in the world you can talk about while that stage is yours, I feel like you must have something that would allow you to take a bit more advantage than a story about your LSAT studying.

back to the drawing board it is! Thanks for the perspective.

[plenipotentiary]

Many of your sentences are very long and filled with unnecessary words. I felt like I couldn't breathe while reading your PS.

"post my behavioral re-structuring" <- does anyone actually talk/write like this? I feel like your PS in general sounds very artificial.

The reason I wrote like that is that I wanted to capture a concept in as compact as a manner as possible. There is a spacial limit (2 pages, I believe). Further, I don't think the way one talks is necessarily the way one should write. Consider the medium, you have an opportunity to revise and distill to make your point in less words by using words that carry a larger informational punch.

You think this is less words? For realz? Maybe you should look up the word "less" in the dictionary.

[catsparka]

Many of your sentences are very long and filled with unnecessary words. I felt like I couldn't breathe while reading your PS.

"post my behavioral re-structuring" <- does anyone actually talk/write like this? I feel like your PS in general sounds very artificial.

The reason I wrote like that is that I wanted to capture a concept in as compact as a manner as possible. There is a spacial limit (2 pages, I believe). Further, I don't think the way one talks is necessarily the way one should write. Consider the medium, you have an opportunity to revise and distill to make your point in less words by using words that carry a larger informational punch.

The impression I got after reading your PS was "Wow, this person is super pretentious." Not sure if that's what you're going for with the adcomms.

Also, if "captur[ing] a concept in as compact as a manner as possible" was one of your objectives in writing like this, I guess we have very different ideas of what "compact" actually means.

[brickman]

Many of your sentences are very long and filled with unnecessary words. I felt like I couldn't breathe while reading your PS.

"post my behavioral re-structuring" <- does anyone actually talk/write like this? I feel like your PS in general sounds very artificial.

The reason I wrote like that is that I wanted to capture a concept in as compact as a manner as possible. There is a spacial limit (2 pages, I believe). Further, I don't think the way one talks is necessarily the way one should write. Consider the medium, you have an opportunity to revise and distill to make your point in less words by using words that carry a larger informational punch.

You think this is less words? For realz? Maybe you should look up the word "less" in the dictionary.

I'm just trying to describe things that I feel need describing in order to give an accurate picture of the concept. So yes, I understand that some elements have a bit of language attached to them.

[brickman]

Many of your sentences are very long and filled with unnecessary words. I felt like I couldn't breathe while reading your PS.

"post my behavioral re-structuring" <- does anyone actually talk/write like this? I feel like your PS in general sounds very artificial.

The reason I wrote like that is that I wanted to capture a concept in as compact as a manner as possible. There is a spacial limit (2 pages, I believe). Further, I don't think the way one talks is necessarily the way one should write. Consider the medium, you have an opportunity to revise and distill to make your point in less words by using words that carry a larger informational punch.

The impression I got after reading your PS was "Wow, this person is super pretentious." Not sure if that's what you're going for with the adcomms.

Also, if "captur[ing] a concept in as compact as a manner as possible" was one of your objectives in writing like this, I guess we have very different ideas of what "compact" actually means.

This is the difficulty I run into, in all honesty this was a very sincere piece of writing. Like i noted, the challenge is finding language that makes sense for me doesn't necessarily line up with other people apparently.

[catsparka]

Many of your sentences are very long and filled with unnecessary words. I felt like I couldn't breathe while reading your PS.

"post my behavioral re-structuring" <- does anyone actually talk/write like this? I feel like your PS in general sounds very artificial.

The reason I wrote like that is that I wanted to capture a concept in as compact as a manner as possible. There is a spacial limit (2 pages, I believe). Further, I don't think the way one talks is necessarily the way one should write. Consider the medium, you have an opportunity to revise and distill to make your point in less words by using words that carry a larger informational punch.

The impression I got after reading your PS was "Wow, this person is super pretentious." Not sure if that's what you're going for with the adcomms.

Also, if "captur[ing] a concept in as compact as a manner as possible" was one of your objectives in writing like this, I guess we have very different ideas of what "compact" actually means.

This is the difficulty I run into, in all honesty this was a very sincere piece of writing. Like i noted, the challenge is finding language that makes sense for me doesn't necessarily line up with other people apparently.

Okay I am now 90% convinced this whole thread was a joke. But if you really are serious, I think constructing proper sentences is a higher priority than employing excessively florid and ostentatious language.

[brickman]

fair enough, rewrite. Thank you all for your comments, much appreciated.

[WayBryson]

This thread is brilliant.

[rso11]

Man, you have been embedded in academia for too long. Or something. Read some personal statement examples in the Example thread. I was an English major-on-the-cusp-of-academia and I stopped reading after 2 sentences to go: wtf?

[sundance95]

Stop writing in the passive voice. HTH.

[northwood]

you got to sell the story of you. You're not in reference book sales right? then dont write an essay that will force the reader to look up something or ask for clarification after every other sentence.

[brickman]

Thank you all very much, this has been a much needed kick in the ass to remember what it is like to actually be writing for an audience that isn't necessarily captive.