Personal Statement Critique Plz Forum

[toph]

Took it off, gonna edit it. Thanks for comments all.

[bigwillie]

I liked your statement a lot and actually found the first half of it to be eerily similar to mine. I was a finance major in college and I'm writing about how the philosophy classes I took throughout college helped me change the way I think about school/life and how I applied that way of thinking to my major in finance and econ minor.
Your statement is very well written, in my opinion, especially for a first draft. However, I would change the end a little bit. It might be because I'm taking this angle with my statement, but I think it might be better if you write more about why this change in thinking makes you a good law school candidate and leave out the weight loss stuff.
Hope this helps. Again, you have a very strong start.

[gin]

I liked it too. I wouldn't focus too much on weight loss and more on building a connection between philosophy and law, that way it will flow better.
The only problem is the second sentence. It might give the admissions committee a reason not to accept you because, even though your mind is made up right now, you might change it at a later time. Instead, you might want to change it so you to say that all those changes are for a reason

[birdlaw117]

"Also, most challenges I take on in the future will probably pale in comparison to giving up carbohydrates for an extended period of time."

I did not like this sentence in particular. I think an adcom could see this as "succeeding at your law school will be easier than not eating bread for 4 months." I think a better alternative may be something like "While giving up carbs for an extended period a time may not be more challenging than XX Law School, the discipline I was forced to have through this process has prepared me for such a challenge."

[toph]

Yeah I think I'm gonna scrap that whole weight loss paragraph. Already had reservations about it, but I wanted to include it here since it was only my own opinion I had on it. I ran out of ideas with regards to my first idea and didn't want to fall into just a whole bunch of hyperbole about philosophy/law.

Also, it's funny when someone mentions a sentence that I've thought about a bunch of times too. It's meant as a just a light joke, not as a serious assertion that giving up carbs will be harder than law school. You're probably right though, no reason to include it.

[elm84dr]

Can someone PM and give me feedback on mine, I'll past it in a PM.