This sentence...argh...!! Forum

[padthai]

Help please!!

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Is it just me, or does this sentence sound a little off?
Thanks for your help in advance.

[purduepete2011]

sounds like those people are vomiting. i would tone down the imagery, but you're on the right track.

[Emma.]

Help please!!

I leaned over the railing and peered down at the gleeful little faces, laughter bursting out of mouths crammed with apple slices and granola bars.

Is it just me, or does this sentence sound a little off?
Thanks for your help in advance.

Definitely a little off. At the very least I'd change "out of" to "from"

[padthai]

Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha

Here's what I decided to go with:
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[Emma.]

Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha

Here's what I decided to go with:

I leaned over the railing and peered down at the dozen little faces, gleefully chewing on apple slices and granola bars.

Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.

[Zapatero]

Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha

Here's what I decided to go with:

I leaned over the railing and peered down at the dozen little faces, gleefully chewing on apple slices and granola bars.

This is a dangling modifier. The way it's written makes it impossible to tell whether it's you or the little faces doing the chewing.

[Zapatero]

Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.

Yes, just delete the comma.

[padthai]

Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.

Yes, just delete the comma.

What a simple solution....
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Does that sound better?

[Zapatero]

Yeah, you're good to go.

[padthai]

Whoo!
Thanks Zapatero, Emma and Pete