honest opinions please Forum

[hulahoop]

Based on the criticism I received last time, here is my second attempt. I would very much like to know what the great minds of TLS think (and hey, if nothing else it will distract you from waiting for your score if like me, you cannot freaking wait another 24 hours.)

Thanks in advance!!!
****deleted****thanks!

[tlabrum3]

i think you need to mention law school specifically at the end. tie it in.

[hulahoop]

Thats funny because I originally had this at the end but cut it out. What do you think?

The politics and history that I devoted myself to during college inspired me to work towards change, and my experience since then has inspired me to continue on this path. By pursuing a legal eduation I believe I can increase my impact from the personal level to a higher reaching, policy level.

Does it sound forced? elaborate more?

Also, just rereading it, do I need to change the structure of the sentences in the first paragraph? Are those fragments?

[AP-375]

I remember a much earlier draft, and this is much improved and certainly more centralized.
I definitely think the law school line sounds forced. It sounds completely like you only put it in there because you thought you had to.
Also, I remember the context about losing friends, but in this draft this anecdote is very isolated and distracting. If you are going to keep it, you need to mention the ideological debates you engaged in with friends. I would probably nix it unless you can figure out a way to make it present you more positively, which you can probably do with just a sentence more of context.

[DeanMoriarty]

I'm new to the forum but your post caught my eye.

I would shuffle around the last sentence of paragraph three to avoid ending on a preposition. Perhaps "of which these men made me aware."

Also, in the last paragraph, I would not mention a lack of concrete awards but rather focus on the accomplishments of which you are proud.

Hope this helps.

[Jen Loblaw]

Thanks for taking a look at my ps!

The feeling I had when I was done reading your ps was calm, which is kind of surprising to me based on the topic. It wasn't overly exciting, but maybe that's not what you were going for. I thought it was interesting though.

Nit-picky grammar comment: I found quite a few places where you had questionably or definitely misplaced participial phrases, if I remember my grammar terms correctly from high school.

"Living job to job on my mother’s self-employed salary, my work ethic…"

"Having always been aware of my own basic differences, my default understanding…"

Etc. etc. These guys should modify the subject of the sentence. Other than that I liked it!

[hulahoop]

calm or bored? LOL. (makes a big difference...)

Thanks, I do need to go back through with an eye toward grammar, def. Trying to get a feel for the overall flow/does it work right now.

[Jen Loblaw]

ha I wouldn't say bored, but I feel like your story is much more exciting than you made it sound

[ATR]

Good PS. I was very critical about grammar/word choice/syntax, but it was with the intention of really helping you. Perhaps add something about a legal interest, but other than that, it effectively conveys a narrative and is descriptive.

Once again, thanks for editing my PS.

Based on the criticism I received last time, here is my second attempt. I would very much like to know what the great minds of TLS think (and hey, if nothing else it will distract you from waiting for your score if like me, you cannot freaking wait another 24 hours.)

Thanks in advance!!!

I have witnessed more tears since I began working on a military base six months ago than in the whole of my 24 years (reword this; the first sentence needs to be strong and this wording is awkward). Tears of joy, as I hand over the keys to a newlywed couple’s first home =. Tears of relief, as I explain our insurance policy to a family who has lost everything in a fire. Tears of frustration, as I strive for objectivity while investigating charges of spousal abuse (perhaps use semicolons instead of periods for these last 3 sentences; in Word, they show up as fragments). Tears of helplessness, as I struggle to empathize with a mother admitting she who cannot afford to feed her children while supporting her (what kind?) habit. The heart-rending (odd adjective, consider synonym) tears which I can do nothing to cannot assuage, the tears of those who have just discovered the person they have been waiting for (depended on?) will not be returning return from their last deployment. While my formal education gave me the framework to understand international conflict at an abstract level, my experiences since graduation have made me realize why those abstractions are important.

My ability to relate to those different from me developed out of childhood necessity. With a mother who refused to address me in English until elementary school and a father whose name and face I could not remember on the rare occasions that I attempted to do so, my home life was decidedly different from that of my peers'. The first in my family born in America, I constructed my own support system to supplement(compensate for) the fact that my relatives were half the world away. Living job to job ("week to week"? more common phrasing) on my mother’s self-employed salary, my work ethic was firmly in place by the time I realized scholarships would be required (I needed a scholarship) for higher education. I am eternally grateful for all of this, as it is the reason for my unbiased worldview. Having always been aware of my own basic differences (try to come up with a better way of saying that; I can't think of anything at the moment), my defaultunderstanding of those around me allows for the same. I strove to seek out those with different beliefs,and found that experiencing ("trying to experience" - since you can't actually experience it) the world through someone else’s eyes was the best way to widen my own perspective.

The difference between mine and my peers' understanding of the world was exposed when my involvement with the military struck an ideological nerve. Despite spending college immersed in the study of international conflict and politics, my political views did not keep me from forming lasting relationships with American soldiers (who) returned from the bloodiest frontlines of Afghanistan. This experience forced me to focus on the ultimate consequence my studies; (use colon, not semicolon) the human cost of conflict. Seeing first-hand the effects of war on those actually forced to execute the policies I had advocated and witnessing the manifestations of post-traumatic stress disorder, I realized I had never fully understood that elusive idea until directly confronted with it. After graduation, I decided to further explore the personal aspect of my studies that these men made me aware of (reword - don't end sentences with a preposition).

Although I lost life-long friendships for empathizing with these 'killers,' I moved to a military town in the conservative South with the aim of contributing in a concrete way. I attained employment in a military housing office and have since been a counselor, landlord, and psychiatrist (are you an MD? Psychiatrists have a medical degree; maybe "counselor" would be better) to countless people I would otherwise never have met. Finding hope in the face of the most life-shattering events has given me perspective and strengthened my resolve to have a concrete impact on the world around me. Every positive effect I have had on someone else’s live has inspired me to continue my education with the hopes of doing so on a larger scale. My political views and ideological understanding of the world around me have not changed drastically, but have become much more well-informed.

Despite a pause in my formal education, I have spent the last year learning life’s most important and profound lessons. Although I earned no concrete awards I am prouder of my accomplishments in the last year than any academic victory. I am continually amazed by the reserves of strength that are exposed when there is no other choice available (are no more options?). I now know a deeper strength within myself I do not believe which I would not everhave discovered had I not thrust myself into a new environment, where the most life-altering changes are daily occurrences.

[hulahoop]

wow that stuff all really makes a big difference. thank you so much, i appreciate it!

[DoubleChecks]

nice post on the grammar changes...this is a pretty decent PS

id like it if you somehow explained, in half a sentence, why you were on the military base earlier. it didnt catch my eye till later, and while its nice to wonder throughout the first paragraph, i shouldnt still be doing it in the 2nd.

besides that...yeah a small tie in w/ law would be great. doesnt have to be long, but develop it into the PS.

[hulahoop]

nice post on the grammar changes...this is a pretty decent PS

id like it if you somehow explained, in half a sentence, why you were on the military base earlier. it didnt catch my eye till later, and while its nice to wonder throughout the first paragraph, i shouldnt still be doing it in the 2nd.

besides that...yeah a small tie in w/ law would be great. doesnt have to be long, but develop it into the PS.

I was thinking of maybe changing around the order of the middle paragraphs to make it less jumpy, that should help with the logical progression... thanks for the input. Still trying to figure out a way to tie in law without sounding forced.