Almost ready personal statement (or so i hope). thoughts! Forum

[hotshot234512]

Thanks everyone!

[mala2]

The conclusion is unfocused. The community service part needs to be re written, right now it sounds like spoiled rich boy feeds homeless guys soup, feels happy because he's saving the world. (it's not a bad thing to put in necessarily, just rework it) What? you have finnish grandparents? that's random. Focus your essay more. If you want to put that in, find a way to integrate it throughout.

[nataliejane38]

The transition from the first to second paragraph is really confusing. You talk about all your rejections, but then your in college so what do the barrage of rejections matter? I don't get it.
I actually liked it overall, but think it still needs some refining. I agree with the above poster about the closing paragraph, that should be your strongest, but it jumps around a lot, introduces new and random information that doesn't work with the rest of your essay.

[acfair]

I agree with Natalie that you need a transition from the first paragraph to the second. I would talk about what it was like to finally get an acceptance letter. Were you happy with the school you got into, or were you upset?

[hotshot234512]

Thanks so far for replies keep them coming if anyone's got anything to say. I will definitely work on the transition between the first and second paragraph and I was happy with my acceptance, even though it wasn't my first choice. Looking back I'm so happy that I ended up where I did end up because its been amazing.
Could you elaborate on the confusion of the final paragraph? I guess it can be confusing because it adds some new things about community/leadership/going to law school, but i thought it was standard to give a brief reasoning as to why i want to go to law school? also to me it builds on the idea of I did this community stuff from the previous paragraph by explaining how it was helpful to me as a person and that i have other places where i want to have an influence in the future. maybe its only clear to me because i wrote it, so i dont have the proper aesthetic remove?

lastly the finnish thing i like because it adds diversity and i get to showcase a little humor with the hockey thing, so is the consensus on it, with that in mind, favorable?

I'm a jerk for all these question marks, so just answer where you feel comfortable.
thanks

[hotshot234512]

Egregious bump

[mala2]

I really hate this sentence "I did not get involved because I was satisfied; rather, I am satisfied because I did get involved"

[hotshot234512]

Thanks for the help people.
Mala I did remove that sentence cuz was super ackward, as far as cutting paragraphs I want to make each one work rather than remove because they each figure into who I am and what I want to get across to my reader