DS draft from a queer, AA female, please destroy Forum

[reaisan]

Hello, below is my diversity statement. Can't think of a way to end it. Don't think it should be a PS, because it doesn't really describe me. Be as harsh as you please. Also, if this springs up suggestions for my PS, throw that out there as well! Additional quirks I want to include, but aren't sure how:
-low-income family
-first-generation American
-comedian, spoken-word
-public/media relations experience

That’s gay. A boy staggered around the corner from two inmates during my 7th grade field trip to the county prison. In-between maniacal laughs, the weight-lifting convicts said they suddenly caught something called jungle fever and wanted to rip into my frantic, effeminate classmate, Cleveland. Instead of being consoled by the rest of our pre-law middle school class, the boy was ridiculed. I wanted to demystify the rumors of pedophilia and rape, but I didn’t know enough of the truth. I didn’t know myself.

In college, my identities compounded and included the label queer. My first relationship was abusive, but I refused to tell my parents, British-Jamaican parents who played songs about burning gays. Within a week of dating, my dorm room degraded into a daily warzone. Things not chucked at me were dismantled some other way. For three months, I thought it my amercement to pay for being bisexual.

After winter break at home, I came out to my mother during our 5-hour drive back to campus. We arrived holding hands. Her unconditional love canopied me from further affliction.

With my family buttress I have coordinated pride programs for the youth, researched on LGBTQ rights in Florida, Georgia, Japan, Hawaii and Korea.

The recent bully-induced suicides reaffirm that not all children have such support groups and often have to go through abuse and illnesses like HIV alone. I feel more empowered than ever to make a change in my community and see a career in public interest law as the logical next step.

Thanks in advance!

[acfair]

Can you go and critique my DS in exchange for this one?
________________________________

That’s gay. A boy staggered around the corner from two inmates during my 7th grade field trip to the county prison. In-between maniacal laughs, the weight-lifting convicts said they suddenly caught something called jungle fever and wanted to rip into my frantic, effeminate classmate, Cleveland. Instead of being consoled by the rest of our pre-law middle school class, the boy was ridiculed. I wanted to demystify the rumors of pedophilia and rape, but I didn’t know enough of the truth. I didn’t know myself.

This paragraph is not at all clear. Tear it apart and write it again.

In college, my identities compounded and included the label queer. My first relationship was abusive, but I refused to tell my parents, British-Jamaican parents who played songs about burning gays. Within a week of dating, my dorm room degraded into a daily warzone. Things not chucked at me were dismantled some other way. For three months, I thought it my amercement to pay for being bisexual.

Sometimes it sounds like you are using certain vocabulary words just to use them. They don't fit into the structure of this piece.

After winter break at home, I came out to my mother during our 5-hour drive back to campus. We arrived holding hands. Her unconditional love canopied me from further affliction.

With my family buttress I have coordinated pride programs for the youth, researched on LGBTQ rights in Florida, Georgia, Japan, Hawaii and Korea. Give evidence of this work.

The recent bully-induced suicides reaffirm is this really a reaffirmation, or it is something that is not acknowleged by society? that not all children have such support groups and often have to go through abuse and illnesses like HIV alone. I feel more empowered than ever to make a change in my community and see a career in public interest law as the logical next step. You don't sound very passionate about going into law when you frame it as "the logical next step"

Your writing here lacks flow.
You use the word "my" too frequently.

I think it is a good start though.

[nataliejane38]

It jumps around way too much and is not very clear or cohesive at all.
And did your 7th grade class really take a field trip to the county jail? And you were 7th grade pre-law students? have never heard of that...

[reaisan]

Can you go and critique my DS in exchange for this one?

Thanks a lot! Of course I will, if you think I'll be of any help. Feel free to PM me, or post a link for more eyes to see.

I took all of what you said into consideration and now have this second draft. Still don't have a strong ending, but my focus is clearer now: "Despite my homophobic upbringing, my family was really accepting and am now very active in the community. I want to do PI law to aid the youth and/or the LGBTQ."

That’s gay. In 7th grade my pre-law class took a field trip to the county jail for a “scared straight” program, emphasis on straight. Two inmates said they wanted to split a boy in bed. Others shared their experiences of dropped soap. It seemed scripted, but effectual nonetheless. The most unusual part about the story was that I went to a pre-law middle school in the ghettos of Florida. A school’s desire to churn out heterosexual students seems routine. The pressure to be hetero-normative is exemplified in the recent bully-induced suicides. I wasn’t close to being one of those cases, but my coming-out experience, thanks to interventions like that, was not easy.

My first relationship was abusive, but I refused to tell my parents, British-Jamaican parents who played songs about burning gays. Within a week of dating, my dorm room degraded into a daily warzone. Things not chucked at me were dismantled some other way. For three months, I thought it was punishment for being bisexual.

After winter break at home, I came out to my mother during our 5-hour drive back to campus. We arrived holding hands. Her unconditional love canopied me from further affliction.

Thanks to family, I have coordinated pride programs and researched LGBTQ rights in Florida, Georgia, Japan, Hawaii and Korea. Gainesville Florida’s first Queer Ball in ten years, under my direction, received city-wide attention. The queen of the ball said it was her second-chance prom, because she was forced to go to as a male before. It was the first time a couple in their 30s had ever danced with a loved one in public.

In terms of rights, I helped on Florida’s VoteNO campaign against banning homosexual adoption. Georgia’s YouthPride group is where I encourage queer teens in weekly discussion. In Asia and Hawaii, I interviewed expats, asked them to interview natives, and read studies. At first, it was out of curiosity for my own safety, but now my work will be published in the University of Florida’s undergraduate research journal.

[reaisan]

It jumps around way too much and is not very clear or cohesive at all.
And did your 7th grade class really take a field trip to the county jail? And you were 7th grade pre-law students? have never heard of that...

You gave me great inspiration! It's interesting to read that a pre-law middle school surprised you, so I tried to explain it in the newer version posted above.

William Dandy middle school in the ghettos of Ft. Lauderdale, Fl has both a pre-law and pre-med program as a way to pull smart kids out the better school and get them to mingle with other students. Kinda worked. Dozens of students had boosted scores high enough to get in to pre-law by my 8th grade year. I guess "setting example" goes along way.

And yeah, boy! I went to Broward County jail TWICE as a kid. Missy Elliot and Trina performed at our school for outstanding achievement. That school made little sense.

[acfair]

Here is a link to mine:
http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=134576

I still think this sounds awkward. I write in a pretty prose-based fashion. Here is an example of how I would write it. Obviously I am not saying you should change your writing style, but the only way I felt I could sum up how I felt about it was to write it myself.

Here's my version of the first paragraph.

It was late September and fourteen seventh grade students crammed into a dark prison hallway. We were there for a "Scared Straight" program, with the emphasis being on straight. Inflated convicts spoke of jungle fever, their eyes like predators, sizing us up. My seventh grade self can still hear the jeers of my classmates. A frantic classmate endured their gaze. But rather than coming to his defense, my peers spit out words of hate, not knowing who they were insulting with their anti-gay rhetoric. They didn't know how their words tore into me, but I didn't know myself either.

[acfair]

Trina performed at your school? Wow. The baddest bitch at a middle school? Hah.

[reaisan]

I still think this sounds awkward. I write in a pretty prose-based fashion. Here is an example of how I would write it. Obviously I am not saying you should change your writing style, but the only way I felt I could sum up how I felt about it was to write it myself.

I graduated before her appearance, and I want to know if she performed that classic. Ha!

I see what you mean about prose! Actually, the inmate did say "oh I'm catchin' dat jungle fever" when they saw the kid. He and I were last in line, way behind the rest of the class when it happened. After the remarks, we caught up instantaneously!

Here's my attempt at a prose-approach... still needs work, but I hope I'm getting close:

The middle school “scared straight” program, sure emphasized on straight. Twenty of us held hands, formed a line, and treaded dimly lit hallways. Inmates slammed on their cell windows, yelling “rape.” Two inmates walking past stared a boy down, snickering about jungle fever. While packed in a holding cell, we learned about dropped soap. The most unusual part of the story was that I went to a pre-law middle school in the ghettos of South Florida. A school’s desire to churn out heterosexual students, however, is routine. The hetero-normative pressure is exemplified in the recent bully-induced suicides. I was not close to being one of those cases. Still, coming-out to British-Jamaican parents, who played songs about burning gays, petrified my vocal chords.

I omitted the relationship part. I don't want it to come off as a sad story. I skipped to my achievements after. Trying to think of a strong transitional sentence. :T

[bk1]

I agree with the thought that this is very disjointed. Might also be worth dropping pre-law comment if it isn't important to the story as it is confusing.

[reaisan]

I agree with the thought that this is very disjointed. Might also be worth dropping pre-law comment if it isn't important to the story as it is confusing.

Did you mean taking about the entire childhood story, or the sentence about pre-law? I revised it again here, please have at it. Thanks a lot!

The middle school Scared Straight program, sure emphasized on straight. Twenty of us held hands, formed a line, and treaded dimly lit hallways. Inmates slammed on their cell windows, yelling “rape.” Two convicts walking past stared a boy down, snickering "jungle fever." Once packed in a holding cell, we learned about dropped soap. My school’s desire to churn out heterosexual students was cripplingly routine. Heteronormative pressures are exemplified in the recent bully-induced suicides. I was not close to being one of those cases. Still, coming-out to British-Jamaican parents, who played songs about burning gays, petrified my vocal chords.

Thanks to a surprisingly supportive family, I have coordinated pride programs and researched LGBTQ rights in Florida, Georgia, Japan, Hawaii and Korea...

To me, now that is focusing more on my accomplishments, it should be a PS. Right now, it still reads like an annotated resume. How can I throw more of my personality in there? Stories are too long, and I'm kind of bad at elaborating.