On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement???? Forum
- dpk711
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On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
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Last edited by dpk711 on Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- crysmissmichelle
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
I think you have a good idea going, but it just feels so formal, mechanical even. It feels distanced and like you are talking about a complete stranger instead of something you were around to witness or that you knew.
- txadv11
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
I enjoyed this one. My only negative critique would be to incorporate you interest of being a lawyer and tie it back into the situations you described a little bit more.
On a 1-10, 1 being trash, 10 being a beautiful tear-jerker, I'd give you an 8. I'd say your almost done with this one.
Also
On a 1-10, 1 being trash, 10 being a beautiful tear-jerker, I'd give you an 8. I'd say your almost done with this one.
Also
Why does that seem like an LSAT topic I have recently seen.... loldpk711 wrote: transnationalized as the United Nations and non-governmental organizations (NGOs) have mobilized campaigns on behalf of the oppressed. For the first time in human history, the politics of human rights is not confined to the domestic affairs of individual countries but also influenced by international norms and the global community. I believe, therefore, as global citizens, it is our duty to promote justice in this world.
- Cupidity
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.
Too graphic, stopped reading.
Too graphic, stopped reading.
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
I agree with crymissmichele's comments. Great idea presented awkwardly. Not sure whether or not you are sure about your theme. For example, although you proclaim otherwise, it reads as if Mr. Lee got what he deserved.
On a scale of one to ten, with one being awful & ten being extraordinary, this essay merits a six because of the interesting topic & the great opening sentence.
On a scale of one to ten, with one being awful & ten being extraordinary, this essay merits a six because of the interesting topic & the great opening sentence.
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- Posts: 63
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
I was going to say the exact same thing. Way too brutal in the first sentence. You aren't writing a Chuck Palahniuk novel.Cupidity wrote:You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.
Too graphic, stopped reading.
- dpk711
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
yeah, i understand, I wanted the first sentences to stand out... do you think it's worth the risk?amg131s wrote:I was going to say the exact same thing. Way too brutal in the first sentence. You aren't writing a Chuck Palahniuk novel.Cupidity wrote:You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.
Too graphic, stopped reading.
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
The introductory sentence should be effective at grabbing the reader's attention--especially if it is the 86th essay read that day. Although some may find it a bit harsh, I thought it was great but I am not certain if it is a complete sentence or just a sentence fragment (however, I didn't care because it was so interesting).
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
I agree. I wanted to read on to find out what was going on.CanadianWolf wrote:The introductory sentence should be effective at grabbing the reader's attention--especially if it is the 86th essay read that day. Although some may find it a bit harsh, I thought it was great.
- dpk711
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- Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:24 pm
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Re: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement????
I think it's good, I would revise it for clarity, but the topic is interesting
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