On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this personal statement???? Forum

[dpk711]

removed by author

[crysmissmichelle]

I think you have a good idea going, but it just feels so formal, mechanical even. It feels distanced and like you are talking about a complete stranger instead of something you were around to witness or that you knew.

[txadv11]

I enjoyed this one. My only negative critique would be to incorporate you interest of being a lawyer and tie it back into the situations you described a little bit more.
On a 1-10, 1 being trash, 10 being a beautiful tear-jerker, I'd give you an 8. I'd say your almost done with this one.
Also

transnationalized as the United Nations and non-governmental organizations (NGOs) have mobilized campaigns on behalf of the oppressed. For the first time in human history, the politics of human rights is not confined to the domestic affairs of individual countries but also influenced by international norms and the global community. I believe, therefore, as global citizens, it is our duty to promote justice in this world.

Why does that seem like an LSAT topic I have recently seen.... lol

[Cupidity]

You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.

Too graphic, stopped reading.

[CanadianWolf]

I agree with crymissmichele's comments. Great idea presented awkwardly. Not sure whether or not you are sure about your theme. For example, although you proclaim otherwise, it reads as if Mr. Lee got what he deserved.
On a scale of one to ten, with one being awful & ten being extraordinary, this essay merits a six because of the interesting topic & the great opening sentence.

[amg131s]

You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.

Too graphic, stopped reading.

I was going to say the exact same thing. Way too brutal in the first sentence. You aren't writing a Chuck Palahniuk novel.

[dpk711]

You get a zero out of ten from your first sentence.

Too graphic, stopped reading.

I was going to say the exact same thing. Way too brutal in the first sentence. You aren't writing a Chuck Palahniuk novel.

yeah, i understand, I wanted the first sentences to stand out... do you think it's worth the risk?

[CanadianWolf]

The introductory sentence should be effective at grabbing the reader's attention--especially if it is the 86th essay read that day. Although some may find it a bit harsh, I thought it was great but I am not certain if it is a complete sentence or just a sentence fragment (however, I didn't care because it was so interesting).

[op-ti]

The introductory sentence should be effective at grabbing the reader's attention--especially if it is the 86th essay read that day. Although some may find it a bit harsh, I thought it was great.

I agree. I wanted to read on to find out what was going on.

[dpk711]

anyone else?

[mala2]

I think it's good, I would revise it for clarity, but the topic is interesting