first draft, please advise Forum

[fish tacos]

thanks

[ChicagoRambler89]

Fish Tacos,

You're a strong writer and your message is clear. But I don't know if it's oriented towards law school as much as it should be. Others may disagree, but I don't think you demonstrate why you want to go to law school. You show that you have overcome adversity and accomplished an important personal goal. But how does this translate into wanting to go to law school/to be a lawyer?

Technically speaking, I would start a new paragraph at "All was going according to plan..."

[Shooter]

Well, you know what they say. "When life gives you lemons, shove 'em up a bear's ass."

Eh, that probably wasn't helpful at all. Sry.

[fish tacos]

Thanks for taking the time to help. To ChicagoRambler, how would you recommend making it more oriented toward law school? Should I actively mention it earlier in the essay or just flesh out the last paragraph a bit more?

Any other takers? Thanks again for all the help, TLS.

[fish tacos]

Anyone else?

[tortuga28]

It is well-written but to be honest I think the topic and main substance are rather cliche. It sounds like a Miley Cyrus song. It also has a number of pretty cliche phrases. For example "conquering nature" is incredibly cliche and espouses an Ayn Rand like philosophy. I also don't think you should mention high school--it makes you sound young and leaves me wondering if you have done anything worthwhile since then. One last thing is that you should never say anything like "I had never worked for anything in my life."