addendum: disciplinary action Forum

[jjames]

Any and all suggestions would be apperciated



At the conclusion of my first year of college in August 2009, I was placed on disciplinary suspension for one semester and probation for four semesters for violating the University of ****'s alcoholic beverages policy, I was arrested for DUI. These disciplinary actions were a result of immaturity and a mistake that was and is completely out of my character.

I spent my time on suspension from *** taking classes at *** Community College, where I took a full course load, and received a 4.0 grade point average. I was granted permission to maintain my job at the ***'s Recreation and Wellness Center, where I continued to represent *** at many events and conferences. I completed all sanctions from Student Conduct ahead of schedule and took of many additional opportunities, such as volunteering for alcohol free events.

After my suspension, I returned to ***. I was on the Dean’s list for the spring and summer 2010 semesters. I have had no disciplinary issues since. I have remained dedicated to becoming a better person from this event. This experience changed me and I am confident that this behavior will never happen again.

[asoli]

It looks good, but I would try to condense it a little bit, specifically the second paragraph.

[djjf39]

At the conclusion of my first year of college in August 2009, I was placed on disciplinary suspension for one semester and probation for four semesters for violating the University of ****'s alcoholic beverages policy, I was arrested for DUI. These disciplinary actions were a result of immaturity and a mistake that was and is completely out of my character.

I spent my time on suspension from *** taking classes at *** Community College, where I took a full course load, and received a 4.0 grade point average. I was granted permission to maintain my job at the ***'s Recreation and Wellness Center, where I continued to represent *** at many events and conferences. I completed all sanctions from Student Conduct ahead of schedule and took of many additional opportunities, such as volunteering for alcohol free events.

After my suspension, I returned to ***. I was on the Dean’s list for the spring and summer 2010 semesters. I have had no disciplinary issues since. I have remained dedicated to becoming a better person from this event. This experience changed me and I am confident that this behavior will never happen again.

What about: "Following my first year of college, I was placed on disciplinary suspension for one semester and probation for four semesters for violating the University of ****'s alcoholic beverages policy; I was arrested for DUI. These disciplinary actions were a result of immaturity. During my suspension I took a full course-load at *** Community College and earned a 4.0. I completed all sanctions from Student Conduct ahead of schedule and seized many additional opportunities, such as volunteering for alcohol free events. After my suspension, I was on the Dean’s list for the spring and summer 2010 semesters at ***. This experience changed me and I am confident that this behavior will never happen again; I have remained dedicated to becoming a better person from this event. I have had no disciplinary issues since."\

Even this slimmed down version could be trimmed I bit I suspect. Keep playing with it, pithy writing here will serve you well.

[jjames]

Thanks for the suggestions, I am going to work on it a little more and try to condense.

Because this situation was so foreign to me, I feel like I have a lot to explain about it.

This may be a dumb question, but the more condense the better, right?


Thanks again!