1st draft of PS: Success in overcoming near-fatal injuries Forum

[overyourhead]

Thank you.

[gdane]

Too many "I", "I", "I's". It reads like a monotonous piece of prose. Dont start with "because". This is just a no-no. Wheres the heart? The emotion? The passion? Put some razzle dazzle in there so you can better captivate your readers.

Also, a 3.65 and an LSAT above 160 will definitely get you into UMiami. Dont worry so much about the personal statement. Make it coherent and all that, but dont kill yourself.

Good luck!

[SupraVln180]

don't use contractions.

[trudat15]

don't use contractions.

Though I tend to agree, Anna Ivey says it's fine, for what that's worth.

[overyourhead]

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, I wasn't sure about the contractions. Afterward I started to remove them, but then decided I would research the issue first. In some cases it made my writing seem stuffy. I will remove them just to be safe.

Is it really that blah though? I was never expecting it to be amazing. I'm only applying to mediocre schools: Miami, UF, and Nova (which I'd only attend if they gave me a 100% scholarship). Miami is certainly my top choice, however. Can you envision adcoms reading it and thinking I will be a successful law school student?

I'd hate to change topics because the accident really was the catalyst for change in me. I remember thinking in bed one night how lucky I was and that I might not have a second chance at life, so I had better stop stalling and start doing the things I wanted to do-- in this case, return to school, pursue law, etc.

[Shooter]

It's not "blagh" per se, but I really think it could be more concise. If you are going to elaborate, elaborate on the accident/healing process - not on your early college experiences.

I like your conversational style (using contractions, adding hyphens, starting paragraphs with "because," etc.) but I don't think the adcoms will appreciate it.

Personally, "I remember the moment I regained consciousness..." would be an AWESOME opener.

Overall, your story is really amazing. After reading it, I can't imagine anyone seriously doubting your ability to compete in law school.

[Shooter]

And by "concise" I don't mean cutting out any details - just combining sentences.

For example:

"I remember the moment I regained consciousness. Surrounded by a swarm of surgeons, I tried to make sense of my surroundings. When a doctor informed that I had been in an accident - that my car had flipped several times before violently crashing into a canal - I could hardly believe it. That is, until I felt the searing pain."

See what I did there? It's not perfect by any means, but I made it a little easier to digest. I also added some alliteration, because I was bored.

[rinkrat19]

I think there's too much about your accelerated education. It could be summed up in a sentence or two, after using your story about the accident (or waking up afterward, as someone suggested) as a hook.