Another rough draft Forum

[ballboy899]

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[CGI Fridays]

I like reading PS', but "really rough draft" isn't appetizing.
Maybe read through & edit 'till it's just a "rough draft" & re-post? If you do, I promise I'll read it.

[ballboy899]

alright i just revised it a bit..you mind still reading it? lol

[CGI Fridays]

alright i just revised it a bit..you mind still reading it? lol

Haha nice title change. Yes most def, but I just hit productive streak. Promise before I go to bed (3.5-ish hrs).

[ballboy899]

haha i took your advice on that one..and thats fine..i could really use any comments

[CGI Fridays]

“We decided that we are going to move to North Carolina,” These are the words my mother spoke to me [my mother] towards the end of my senior year in high school. Things were finally starting to get better for me in terms of making more friends and being able to socialize more around others. When I found out that our house sold and I would have to live in a hotel for the rest of the school year, it was really devastating to me ((maybe change this to "I was devastated"?)) ((colon?)) It finally hit me that I was going to be leaving all of the people who I spent the majority of my life growing up with. [I would be leaving all those I grew up with.] This was a tough time emotionally for me and I had to find some [a] way to help myself cope with what I was going through.

That summer ((comma?)) when [we] I finally got to North Carolina, I needed to find a way to get my mind off of what was going on in my life [settle my mind/ calm my mind/ ease my mind etc.].

You have a tendency to use a great deal of description about what you're going through in fluffy ways. I suggest going through the rest of your PS and making changes similar to those I've suggested thus far, & re-posting.

Edit: I'll read it again after you've re-posted.

[Sandro]

To me it reads like this

Some personal occurence that really isnt mentioned anywhere else, I liked to help people, and I always liked law (why? When?) so I want to do both. It wasnt bad structurally but I feel you could add more about why you like law, or how specifically you could help people with the law.

[ballboy899]

alright so it was just updated..if you can give any feedback at all i'd really appreciate it

[CanadianWolf]

CHANGE: "That prior summer..." to "The prior summer...".

You write well & with clarity. The final paragraph is a bit weak because it is unconvincing.

[ballboy899]

yea i'm still working on that last paragraph and can't seem to get it quite right yet..thanks for the input though

[URMdan]

Is anyone willing to critique my PS? It's not a traditional PS, so I'm not sure how much improvement it needs.