Second try at my PS. Critique away!! Forum
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mrr111
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:53 pm
Second try at my PS. Critique away!!
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Last edited by mrr111 on Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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escapefrom
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Sat Jul 25, 2009 8:57 am
Re: Second try at my PS. Critique away!!
"After spending many grueling hours reseaching fathers being awarded primary custody, I found myself intrigued rather than bored."
You weren't bored before. You didn't understand what was happening. When you say bored, I picture you as callous, which I assume isn't the truth.
"With my background and desire to practice family law, coupled with an education from ______, "
The bit about your education is a throwaway. Get rid of that clause.
You definitely need to run this through spellcheck. Otherwise, I like it.
You weren't bored before. You didn't understand what was happening. When you say bored, I picture you as callous, which I assume isn't the truth.
"With my background and desire to practice family law, coupled with an education from ______, "
The bit about your education is a throwaway. Get rid of that clause.
You definitely need to run this through spellcheck. Otherwise, I like it.
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CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11413
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Re: Second try at my PS. Critique away!!
This is a sincere & convincing personal statement that clearly illustrates your interest in pursuing a legal career. The tone is appropriately professional.
The word "countless" may be the most misused word in the English language-- consider using "myriad" or "numerous" instead.
The word "countless" may be the most misused word in the English language-- consider using "myriad" or "numerous" instead.
