please critique my diversity statement? Forum

[yumberry]

mostly as to whether it works. i'm an asian female and don't really know what to write about.
i know the writing is a lot of "vocabulary" words, but that's just how i write


-removed-

because everyone seems to be doing this? i guess i'm a follower. this doesn't bode well for law school.

[CanadianWolf]

This is a wonderful & refreshing piece of writing. I love the tone & the pace. A couple of words may need refinement as I am not sure about "consequentially" & "helpmeet" (did you mean "helpmate" ?). Your personal statement screams of personality & wit !

[SortOfObsessed]

I like your writing style and the focus of your diversity statement since I am also an asian american female and can empathize.

However, I think this diversity statement portrays you in a negative light. You seem abrasive and contrary, ("I challenged anything I encountered that might remotely have a sexist aspect.") and incredibly defensive. I think you should tone down some aspects so that you do appear more mature. ("Though I am now calmer in maturity and no longer leap to my feet at every hint of inequity or discrimination toward women, it is a characteristic that will never fade." Can you elaborate on how you are more mature?)

Overall I would be wary of submitting this DS as is because some adcomms will inevitably dislike you or think that you aren't going to fit well with the rest of the class.

[yumberry]

thanks for the advice, both of you! i kind of see what you mean, so i tried to change it a little to make it seem less angry/defensive. also changed the word 'consequentially.' helpmeet's kind of an old school biblical word, but i'll probably change that too.

i had my friend read it and he thought that it came off as very robotic and impersonal, as if i'm talking about myself from a distant perspective. do you guys see that, and if so, is that necessarily bad?

thanks again. incredibly appreciated

[CanadianWolf]

Try to get opinions from an English prof or an admissions officer at your college or university. This is an excellent essay.

[Rand M.]

This really is terrific. The first paragraph is nearly perfect, and by that time I had made up my mind that the essay was good. There are grammar problems, so please let some people take a red pen to it, but the substance is solidly profound. The one thing that struck me as odd was the parenthetical mention of female infanticide. I trust that anyone with a college education, which the admissions officer will have, will understand not only that, but all of the ways China is a patriarchal place. That small part seemed a bit forced/leading. It's okay to leave a bit to the imagination; especially when that bit is something the person will definitely be able to color in themselves. Seriously though, this is fantastic. Again, that first paragraph is particularly effective.

[andedom]

I like your writing style and the focus of your diversity statement since I am also an asian american female and can empathize.

However, I think this diversity statement portrays you in a negative light. You seem abrasive and contrary, ("I challenged anything I encountered that might remotely have a sexist aspect.") and incredibly defensive. I think you should tone down some aspects so that you do appear more mature. ("Though I am now calmer in maturity and no longer leap to my feet at every hint of inequity or discrimination toward women, it is a characteristic that will never fade." Can you elaborate on how you are more mature?)

Overall I would be wary of submitting this DS as is because some adcomms will inevitably dislike you or think that you aren't going to fit well with the rest of the class.

I'd second this statement. I like the overall vibe, but IMO, you should include a paragraph or two that shows your ability to empathize and get along with people who have a differing opinion from you. Do you have a friend/ relative who is staunchly anti-feminist but whom you still are close to? Giving an example like that is essential, so you don't come across as unnecessarily argumentative.

[CanadianWolf]

Rand M is right on target. This is a terrific personal statement as is--with minor corrections--and should not be altered in any substantive manner unless your goal is mass mediocrity. As written, your personal statement is an honest & accurate portrayal of your self image so why try to force an artificial personna on experienced admissions officers who can readily spot contrived essays ? Law schools are not afraid of students with strong personalities or strong personal beliefs. I will agree, however, that your current writing is much more suitable for Yale, Berkeley or Harvard than it is for BYU or Pepperdine.

[crysmissmichelle]

This was wonderful to read, though I would add a qualifier to this sentence for how old you were since you are drawing a contrast. . . obviously my wording is not what you will use, but I'm just giving an example:

Always a staunch feminist, as a teen, I challenged anything I encountered that might remotely have a sexist aspect.

This is definitely the most interesting read I've seen on TLS for a PS. . .

[Flett]

Wow. Thank you for writing something I enjoyed reading! The other comments already here pretty much cover anything I could suggest. Just don't change things too much. Good work!

Also, I do not feel that this comes off as "robotic and impersonal" as your friend suggested.

[yumberry]

Thanks to all of you for your advice! I'm working on the grammar and a less aggressive portrayal, but will probably leave it largely unchanged. Will definitely remove the parenthetical insert, thanks I definitely feel a LOT better about this diversity statement and really appreciate all the help!