Please critique Forum
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am588
- Posts: 45
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:16 pm
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Flett
- Posts: 204
- Joined: Tue Jul 27, 2010 3:14 pm
Re: Please critique
Good start for a first version. =)
As I'm reading this, I am definitely reminded of my own experiences of death in the family. I am inclined to believe this is a good thing.
However, there seems to be a bit of the... deeper/more insightful?... pieces missing from the overall flow. I am definitely not an expert, so take all this with a couple grains of salt. What was it, in particular, about your father's passing that peaked your interest in 'general law?' Furthermore, you mention that you had always been interested in business law but do not mention it anywhere else in your statement. It might be more powerful to leave out the business law part and just launch right into why your father's death made you turn to law at all. Or a "law was always in the back of my mind, but now with my father's death I realized that law was my calling because________" type of thing. (lol, that was a terrible sentence on my part, I'm sure you can do better.
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"The next few weeks were stressful, between planning the funeral arrangements and figuring out how I could financially continue attending college." You can do something better with this statement, I think. Perhaps explore ideas of why you wanted/needed to find a way to continue attending college. Only way for a good future? Refuse to fail? Father believed in you? Then, fashion it in a way that highlights the obstacles you overcame to accomplish your goal of graduating.
Manager of what? Are there any significant responsibilities you had that would have caused you to do more that just 'speak' with the legal team? Daily correspondence? Major decisions? What did the legal team say that made you realize that law was for you?
You have a nice skeleton for your PS. Now, just take some time to put flesh on those bones.
As I'm reading this, I am definitely reminded of my own experiences of death in the family. I am inclined to believe this is a good thing.
However, there seems to be a bit of the... deeper/more insightful?... pieces missing from the overall flow. I am definitely not an expert, so take all this with a couple grains of salt. What was it, in particular, about your father's passing that peaked your interest in 'general law?' Furthermore, you mention that you had always been interested in business law but do not mention it anywhere else in your statement. It might be more powerful to leave out the business law part and just launch right into why your father's death made you turn to law at all. Or a "law was always in the back of my mind, but now with my father's death I realized that law was my calling because________" type of thing. (lol, that was a terrible sentence on my part, I'm sure you can do better.
)"The next few weeks were stressful, between planning the funeral arrangements and figuring out how I could financially continue attending college." You can do something better with this statement, I think. Perhaps explore ideas of why you wanted/needed to find a way to continue attending college. Only way for a good future? Refuse to fail? Father believed in you? Then, fashion it in a way that highlights the obstacles you overcame to accomplish your goal of graduating.
Manager of what? Are there any significant responsibilities you had that would have caused you to do more that just 'speak' with the legal team? Daily correspondence? Major decisions? What did the legal team say that made you realize that law was for you?
You have a nice skeleton for your PS. Now, just take some time to put flesh on those bones.
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CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11453
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Re: Please critique
This is an excellent start. It would suffice as a final draft, but, as pointed out above, lacks depth of insight beyond the immediate impact on your daily situation.
Try to write in a crisper fashion. For example, consider using "...it would require a two hour commute." rather than "...it would require me to commute two hours daily to college.".
Try to write in a crisper fashion. For example, consider using "...it would require a two hour commute." rather than "...it would require me to commute two hours daily to college.".
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