PS - Do your worst Forum

[aas911]

Made some changes and posted it below. Please take a look comment and I'll return the favor. Please don't quote. Thanks!!!

[sarahh]

Overall, I like the topic. A few grammar things:
I would add a comma after "As I approached the note" and "At first glance"
It should be mentees not mentee's.

Were you the one who decided to that goals should be outlined and reiterated and that the chairs should be arranged in a circle? If so, you can make that more clear. If not, highlight things that you specifically did.

I don't like the "I'm not positive what the future has in store for me" line. You don't want to give the impression that you are going to law school because you do not know what else to do.

[Saltqjibo]

I thought the first half was excellent, I really think the idea of transforming a fraternity to act as an academic support structure is a powerful topic for a statement (although i'm not an american so my impression of frat houses is largely based on animal house). I thought it dropped off near the end where you were still talking about being an advisor to the frat etc. I think at that point it is time to let the topic go and talk perhaps about why law. also thought the mentioning that you worked for your fathers business wasn't the strongest ending - maybe its just one of those things i have an immediate so-so reaction too though. I do know people can gain lots of skill from family businesses, I know I certainly did, but I don't like to draw attention to the family aspect unless I'm playing up the small town rural kid kind of thing.

Also, just generally needs a careful proof reading for grammar etc.

Good starting point!

[testmachine45]

LOL @ this. your life = your condemned frat house. do u think ad coms really think you are a valuable person after displaying what you actually care about and surprised by is the inability to enter your frat house. "WTF BRO"

[Spykuh]

hahaha KSAs

overall, i think this talks about good leadership, but i feel like its too much telling and not enough showing

[aas911]

I made some of the recommended changes and removed all the "resume sounding" junk.

Give it to me good and I'll try to return the favor! Thanks guys

...

[CanadianWolf]

CHANGE (last paragraph): "The by-laws covered everything from membership qualification and fraternity events to our organization's mission statement."

The first paragraph is very good, except for the word "inclement". Try "inauspicious" or "unfavorable".

CONSIDER: "Initially overwhelmed by the situation, I quickly realized that this burden was an opportunity for restructuring & building a new organization."

CONSIDER: "Following my professors' advice, I began applying classroom lessons directly to the fraternity's situation."

CONSIDER: "...it was important to surround myself with talented and motivated members."

CONSIDER: "Letting others explore new ideas about which I had doubts led to the realization that...".

CONSIDER: "Law school will provide the opportunity to continue my studies in...".

[CanadianWolf]

This is an effective personal statement that can be used for either law school or business school applications.
Your final paragraph, however, is a contrived & forced mess. I offered one revision for your concluding paragraph, but it needs more.

[aas911]

Thanks CanadianWolf! I appreciate your comments and input.

Whats funny is that my thought process in my decision to attend law school has been a contrived and forced mess. I'm positive its what I'd like to do next in life but I struggled for a long time deciding between LS and Business school.

[CanadianWolf]

Then prep for & take the GMAT because it is much easier than the LSAT & you should be well trained for standardized tests if you successfully completed the LSAT.

[aas911]

I'm happy with my LSAT score and I came to the conclusion that I'd much rather pursue a career in law related to business and not in business related to law. If that makes any sense....