DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique Forum

[sly_lychee]

Deleted - Thanks for all the comments. Going to go back and add some details. Hopefully, it'll become more compelling.

[bk1]

It feels very arrogant and the main weakness is that you do a lot of telling rather than showing (which is part of why it comes off as arrogant). You say things like "I am an aficionado," "It is a cliched four character idiom," "I set a goal and achieved it," etc. You're just putting these things out there and telling the reader, work on showing how you are an aficionado, or how/why it is cliched, or how you achieved the goal, etc.

[CanadianWolf]

Although I do not find your writing to have an improper tone, I do agree that you are telling rather than showing. After reading your personal statement, I am unable to differetiate you from thousands of other applicants sharing a similiar cultural background.