How much cheesinesss is ok? Forum

[prerna]

This is a rough draft of my PS...i feel like it may be too cheesy...any advice would be helpful...thanks in advance!

One of my fondest memories took place in the bathroom. It was there, in the cramped, dirty restroom of a local XXXXX nightclub where a freshman girl asked me, “You’re XXXX, right? The captain of the Bhangra dance team? I’ve seen you perform and you’re amazing.” I stood there, momentarily stunned and completely flattered. To understand why such an ostensibly mundane comment affected me so significantly, it’s necessary to go back to September of my Freshman year, and one particular Sunday afternoon that changed my life.

Despite growing up in a small, predominantly White town, I was lucky enough to grow up immersed in Indian culture. Even so, when I arrived at Binghamton I had never performed any Bhangra. Some people say that Bhangra - and the ability to dance in general - is in a Punjabi’s blood. Well, it wasn’t in mine. Looking back at my audition for the Bhangra team, I feel almost shameful that I could make such an energetic, colorful dance look so meek. Nonetheless, I was lucky enough to be selected. Little did I know that this team would come to define me.

I’m blessed to have parents who are extremely supportive, open-minded, and encouraging. They’ve always taught me that whatever you do, do with all your heart. I’m fairly certain that it’s this necessity for passion that they instilled in me that helped me while on the Bhangra team. I can distinctly remember my first practices – even though I picked up the moves quickly, I didn’t have the proper style or “bounce,” as my captain called it. The moves were right, but they were completely lifeless. It continued like this for my entire first year on the team. I didn’t let the fact that I wasn’t always performing stop me. I had come to love Bhangra, and I always looked forward to going to practice, even if just to watch. Even when I had the flu, I wobbled over to our practice studio with a blanket wrapped around me, happy to just be surrounded by Bhangra.

During my Sophomore year, something happened that seems beyond explanation. All the practicing had paid off, and I had suddenly become good Bhangra dancer. Even more surprisingly, in the middle of my sophomore year, I was voted Captain of the team. It was in that year that I started Bhangra Fever – an international Bhangra competition that my team hosts at our university. The opportunity to share something that I loved with hundreds of local students is surreally rewarding. If during my auditions for the Bhangra team someone had asked me if I would ever choreograph, let alone be the Captain of the team, I would have laughed. But here I am in my third year as Captain, and choreographing new songs each month. Any free time that I have is spent watching other teams’ videos online, searching for the latest songs, or traveling all over the country with other Bhangra fanatics just to watch competitions. Just thinking of the adrenaline rush that I get while performing is enough to send chills down my spine.

Coming back to the nightclub bathroom, I think I was awed that someone could ever consider me an amazing dancer. Moreover, it was profoundly satisfying to see that this young, Hispanic girl, not only knew what Bhangra is, but also enjoyed it. If I can attribute that passage of cultural appreciation to a single performance that we did, then those long, tiresome nights of practice were well worth it.

I’ve always been of the thought that doing something simply for the sake of convenience or necessity isn’t sufficient for success. Even hard work alone has failed me in the past. I’ve found that passion is a necessity, an irreplaceable trait. I have friends who think that I’m crazy, obsessive, and out of my mind to let a dance team mean so much to me. I think they’re wrong. I’m lucky in that I let my passions engulf me – what I love essentially becomes a part of me. If someone had forced me to go to Bhangra practice, I would have, but I’m sure that I wouldn’t be the same person today. I would be a dedicated, yet unhappy dancer, writing this personal statement about some school or community project that I did. But I’m not.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life from the age of ten. At one point I wanted to be a teacher, a dentist at another. My parents led me to believe that I could do whatever I wanted – whatever would make me happy. So when I chose law, they didn’t push me into medicine or science as many Indian parents might have. They knew that if I chose to study law it was because I truly wanted to, and my passion for would help me more than they could with their science backgrounds. And they were right – ever since that decisive day I’ve grown more and more enthusiastic, each day more excited than the previous to be a lawyer.

[Kchuck]

Cheesiness is never okay.

[Excellence = a Habit]

I'm just starting to prepare my own PS and am definitely not an expert. But I think this is pretty good. Most important, it was engaging. I started reading and then I wanted to keep reading. There are a few sentence structure things that I would change (let me know if you're interested in hearing them), but I think the style and content is strong. The one thing that I'm not completely sure about is the swift transition from your passion for Bhangra to your passion for law/law school. I actually kind of bought it - you explained your passion for Bhangra well enough that I'm willing to consider that you might bring the same passion to the law. All the same, it comes off as a sudden transition. I'm not sure what the right answer is - expand upon your passion for law a bit more, eliminate it altogether or leave it as it is - and I'll be dealing with the same sort of question as I write my own. I guess the question is whether you need to tie it back to law school or if this is just about demonstrating that you're interesting/a good writer.

Either way, I think you've got a strong start. Good luck!

[prerna]

There are a few sentence structure things that I would change (let me know if you're interested in hearing them)!

Thanks for the feedback! ya i'd def love to hear more...feel free to PM me!

[Excellence = a Habit]

Sorry for the delay - here are some grammar/word choice suggestions:

One of my fondest memories took place in the bathroom. It was there, in the cramped, dirty restroom of a local XXXXX nightclub where a freshman girl asked me, “You’re XXXX, right? The captain of the Bhangra dance team? I’ve seen you perform and you’re amazing.” I stood there, momentarily stunned and completely flattered. To understand why such an ostensibly mundane comment affected me so significantly, it’s necessary to go back to September of my Freshman freshman year, and one particular Sunday afternoon that changed my life.

Despite growing up in a small, predominantly White white town, I was lucky enough to grow up immersed in Indian culture. Even so, when I arrived at Binghamton I had never performed any Bhangra. Some people say that Bhangra - and the ability to dance in general - is in a Punjabi’s blood. Well, it wasn’t in mine. Looking back at my audition for the Bhangra team, I feel almost shameful that I could make such an energetic, colorful dance look so meek. Nonetheless, I was lucky enough to be selected. Little did I know that this team would come to define me.

I’m blessed to have parents who are extremely supportive, open-minded, and encouraging. They’ve always taught me that whatever you I do, I should do with all your my heart. I’m fairly certain that it’s it is or it was this necessity for passion that they instilled in me that helped me while on the Bhangra team. I can distinctly remember my first practices – even though I picked up the moves quickly, I didn’t have the proper style or “bounce,” as my captain called it. The moves were right, but they were completely lifeless. It continued like this for my entire first year on the team. I didn’t let the fact that I wasn’t always performing stop me. I had come to love Bhangra, and I always looked forward to going to practice, even if just to watch. Even when I had the flu, I wobbled over to our practice studio with a blanket wrapped around me, happy to just to be surrounded by Bhangra.

During my Sophomore freshman year, something happened that seems beyond explanation. All the practicing had paid off, and I had suddenly become agood Bhangra dancer. Even more surprisingly, in the middle of my sophomore year, I was voted Captain of the team. It was in that year that I started Bhangra Fever – an international Bhangra competition that my team hosts at our university. The opportunity to share something that I loved with hundreds of local students is surreally <-- Is this is word you want? rewarding. If during my auditions for the Bhangra team someone had asked me if I would ever choreograph dances, let alone be the Captain of the team, I would have laughed. But here I am in my third year as Captain, and choreographing new songs each month. Any free time that I have is spent watching other teams’ videos online, searching for the latest songs, or traveling all over the country with other Bhangra fanatics just to watch competitions. Just thinking of the adrenaline rush that I get while performing is enough to send chills down my spine.

Coming back to the nightclub bathroom, I think I was awed that someone could ever consider me an amazing dancer. Moreover, it was profoundly satisfying to see that this young, Hispanic girl, no comma needed not only knew what Bhangra is, but also enjoyed it. If I can attribute that passage of cultural appreciation to a single performance that we did, then those long, tiresome nights of practice were well worth it.

I’ve always been of the thought I would say "opinion" that doing something simply for the sake of convenience or necessity isn’t sufficient for success. Even hard work alone has failed me in the past. I’ve found that passion is a necessity, an irreplaceable trait. I have friends who think that I’m crazy, obsessive, and out of my mind to let a dance team mean so much to me. I think they’re wrong. I’m lucky in that I let my passions engulf me – what I love essentially becomes a part of me. If someone had forced me to go to Bhangra practice, I would have, but I’m sure that I wouldn’t be the same person today. I would be a dedicated, yet unhappy dancer, writing this personal statement about some school or community project that I did. But I’m not.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life from the age of ten. At one point I wanted to be a teacher, at another point a dentist at another. My parents led me to believe that I could do whatever I wanted – whatever would make me happy. So when I chose law, they didn’t push me into medicine or science as many Indian parents might have. They knew that if I chose to study law it was because I truly wanted to, and my passion for ???law??? would help me more than they could with their science backgrounds. And they were right – ever since that decisive day I’ve grown more and more enthusiastic, each day more excited than the previous to be a lawyer.