[Please delete] Forum
-
WhirledWorld
- Posts: 332
- Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:04 am
-
robotclubmember
- Posts: 743
- Joined: Wed Sep 15, 2010 7:53 am
Re: Please help me critique my PS (Second draft)
There are two things that jump out, conceptually.
1) When you want to win a girl over, you demonstrate status, you don't say "I have status." You refer to your passion but I feel you haven't really sold the reader on the depth of your passion. You state things you did, and state you have a passion. But a rich man doesn't tell people he's rich. People know he's rich without him ever saying it because of the way he speaks and acts. It becomes self-evident beyond a doubt. Be more creative in conveying your passion. You need at least one line that grabs the reader by the nuts.
2) Don't refer to "academic ivory towers." Adcomms are academic. They value academic LOR's above professional ones for a reason: because successful law practitioners are lifelong learners with the utmost level of respect for academia. Don't diss academia. Don't, don't, don't, even if it's just a little bit.
I think it's good but you could take it up a few more levels by showing passion rather than stating it, and not suggesting that you lack proper respects to the academic world.
1) When you want to win a girl over, you demonstrate status, you don't say "I have status." You refer to your passion but I feel you haven't really sold the reader on the depth of your passion. You state things you did, and state you have a passion. But a rich man doesn't tell people he's rich. People know he's rich without him ever saying it because of the way he speaks and acts. It becomes self-evident beyond a doubt. Be more creative in conveying your passion. You need at least one line that grabs the reader by the nuts.
2) Don't refer to "academic ivory towers." Adcomms are academic. They value academic LOR's above professional ones for a reason: because successful law practitioners are lifelong learners with the utmost level of respect for academia. Don't diss academia. Don't, don't, don't, even if it's just a little bit.
I think it's good but you could take it up a few more levels by showing passion rather than stating it, and not suggesting that you lack proper respects to the academic world.
-
CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11453
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Re: Please help me critique my PS (Second draft)
It's okay as a verbose highlighting of your resume with some minor insights as to who you are & what interests you.
I don't think that you insulted academics in any manner.
"...client's..." should be "clients' " if there is more than one client as your sentence suggests.
Consider deleting the partial case citation.
I don't think that you insulted academics in any manner.
"...client's..." should be "clients' " if there is more than one client as your sentence suggests.
Consider deleting the partial case citation.
