Rough Draft could this Work? Forum

[darrennewhart]

“If I were him I would put in everything now and go until something broke. But, thank God, they are not as intelligent as we who kill them; although they are more noble and more able.” Ernest Hemingway
Looking back at the first time I read this book, I never understood what Ernest Hemmingway was writing about in relation to a Blue Marlin. These massive animals have the grace and agility of even the tiniest ballet dancer with an anger which the likes of Poseidon himself must have instilled in them. These combinations have led to countless tales of men who have tried and failed at capturing these amazing animals.
My own fish story took place this past July in Bermuda, one of the best blue marlin destinations in the world. On island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean which to fisherman seems t be the pearl at the heart of the world’s clam shell. We made a trip aboard the 85 ft Sport fishing vessel XXXXX, which has the beauty of the night’s sunset, and the raw power of 4,000 horses’s spinning her props at over 1800 revolutions per minute. I have been the mate, underneath the Captain of the Boat xxxxxxxxxx, for the past year and a half, and we have competed on the entire South Florida sail fishing circuit and we have been fortunate enough to have won some of these tournaments including the thousands of dollars that go along with them. This summer was set to be different though; we have been preparing for over a year for our summer trip to Bermuda to fish a series of Blue Marlin tournaments called the Triple Crown. With over 3,000 gallons of fuel and a 36 ft. Yellowfin center console in tow we made the journey in a mere 72 hours.
Now blue marlin fishing can be one of the most exciting things a person can be a part of in their life, hearing the clicker ring out like a freight train pounding through the tracks from a 130lb class outfit can make even the healthiest heart skip a beat. These fish are one of the most powerful and aggressive fish in the ocean capable of pulling any grown man attached to them overboard with just a flick of their massive tail and body, which can measure over twelve feet in length and can reach weights of well over the elusive thousand pound mark. Being attached to these fish with big game tackle has lead to grueling battles lasting over twelve hours and giving up from pure exhaustion. Blue Marlin are one of the most sought after and prized fish in the ocean, to compete on their level and beat them at their own game takes skill and meticulous preparation that even architect could appreciate. If one thing connecting you to that fish fails it could equal a lost fish or in the worst case scenario’s death to either the angler fish or mate which has all happened. During a practice fishing day my skill and preparation were tested to the absolute limits of Blue Marlin fishing.
We were fishing a sea mound 15 miles off the coast of Bermuda which rises from depths of 20,000 ft. to only 180 ft. at the top of the mound. This dramatic rise takes place in less than a half a mile distance, where bait and sea life converge from the immense upwellings and currents that take place. Early in the morning after just setting out a varying set of blue marlin lures an absolute sea monster appeared below the right short lure. This fish had the color of and flash of lightning if it were blue, and had the size of a Mack Truck carrying its max load. The fish moved through the water studying, thinking, and wondering if this lure was to be his early morning meal. It moved through the water with the grace and ease of a goldfish in a bowl, but this was no goldfish, it appeared to be a blue marlin with a weight that seemed to be well over 800 pounds. After 30 to 45 seconds this massive beast was enticed to swing her baseball sized bat of a bill and inhaled the lure. Now the fight was on, the battle between man and nature was taking place right here in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The fight was give and take for over two hours, where drag settings applied to this massive animal reached over 85 pounds just to take an inch of line. This blue marlin had taken over 900 yards of line, it was then decided to attach another 5,000 dollar rod and reel and throw it overboard to this fish. So, with 900 yards of line and 5,000 dollars attached to a new rod and reel, the battle between angler and blue marlin was at a standstill. Neither was giving up, but both were exhausted and well worn. The angler finally started to gain line inch by inch as I was watching in amazement and worry that something was going to give at any moment. That something happened, all of a sudden the weight on the other end of the rod became tremendous to the point where the angler could no longer pull himself down and gain leverage. It finally went slack; the rod lost the bend and leverage that was keeping the fish attached. But what happened? After retrieving the rod and reel that had gone overboard, and also the 900 yards attached to it we came back with the entire rig that was sent out at the beginning of the day with a chunk of blue marlin meat attached. On this day no one won this battle neither man nor beast, this blue marlin was attacked by sharks and eaten while battling us who intend to catch and capture her but it was not in vain.
This is just an event that happened to me that summer in Bermuda, that fish was estimated to be well over a thousand pounds and may be something that I will only see once. This has been my job for the past two years, getting paid to travel and fish. When I graduated college I went through the process of applying to law school and in the end I was denied which was the reason my path went the way it did. Law school has still been on the fore front of my mind, and I know I can become a great Law student if given the opportunity to succeed.

[CanadianWolf]

I like the thought of deep sea fishing off the coast of Bermuda, I think that you would be an interesting addition to any law school class, but the essay is just another fishing story more akin to Mutual of Omaha's The Wild Kingdom than The Old Man & The Sea.

[darrennewhart]

So I should lose the refrence to that, and modify that first paragraph, or lose it all together?

[CanadianWolf]

"On this day no one won this battle neither man nor beast, this blue marlin was attacked by sharks and eaten while battling us...".

This essay would be more appropriate if your conclusion stated that you desired to be one of the sharks, much like a bevy of lawyers feeding on the sufferings of the plaintiffs in a class action lawsuit. I expected a metaphor or some insight, but all I got was a fish story.
The opening Hemingway quote could stay if it referred to the sharks as those killers who are more intelligent than their noble prey and sharks was a metaphor for lawyers.

[darrennewhart]

Thank you very much, I have been having trouble with the conclusion and also how to relate a subject that not alot of people know about, and make it seem relavant in the readers mind. Also trying to make it relate to something that they could understand? Any more tips would be appreciated