Personal Statement Help please Forum

[lakerfanimal]

edit

[Danteshek]

learn the difference between who/whom

don't use future tense

this is not a college admissions essay, so drop the "a million thoughts running through my head" -type flowery language

keep sentences as short as possible

use concise language

[sophia.olive]

what ever happened to Joe?
Shouldnt you be looking for Joe instead of writing sappy personal statements........
Never heard of In-n-Out Burger, is it good?

[sophia.olive]

Upon returning home from visiting Joe, I wondered whether Joe was just shy or whether he was jaded by all of the misfortune he had experienced

A million thoughts run through my head

Finally, Joe fulfilled my hopes for him, as his guarded “I don’t know” expressions became a “Can we go to the beach next week?” or “I really like In-N-Out burger, can we go there sometime?” with his cheerful face in full view and his voice full of confidence

How much I contributed to Joe’s progress, I can only guess. But I believe that our trips to the lake close-by where Joe would reminisce about his past exploits as a junior Olympic runner, our conversation about his old life and family at a local playground on a rainy day, or my attendance at his school conferences only helped to build his confidence

I wonder whether having more attorneys in the juvenile dependency system may have helped prevent Joe from running away

" junior Olympic runner-Joe had run away-" He was only doing what he was born to do.....


You have the material but you need to articulate it better. Dont state the obvious it makes you seem dull. Use a consistent style which isnt cliche.
Personally I would express myself, in the context of your material, as if I have this urgent mission without sounding helpless and unmindful. Also, I would not critize the legal system to any extent. The readers of this may be involved in this specific area and feel you are a little foolish for your assumptions.

Make them feel as though not accepting you is like throwing the future of "Joe" away. But not in an obvious way of course.

[lakerfanimal]

Alright Sophia I'll try to fix/remove those sentences, and I didn't realize I sounded like I was criticizing the legal system so I definitely got to fix that as well.

Dante, I'll work on tightening up the sentences and being more concise as well.

Thank you both for the tips! If anyone else has feedback as well, I'd love to hear it. Thanks!

[CanadianWolf]

This is a very well written personal statement. Don't be afraid to criticize the legal system--especially so for constructive criticism--because that demonstrates experience & concern.

[paratactical]

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[TommyK]

Never heard of In-n-Out Burger, is it good?

CA burger chain. I don't see the appeal. The food is below quality of McDonald's, but people out on the West Coast friggin love it.

[lakerfanimal]

Thanks CanadianWolf! I know you don't really sugarcoat from reading your other critiques, so it's definitely encouraging to hear that, thanks!

Paratactical, thanks, I can see that too so I'll definitely work on fixing it.

TommyK- ok the fries aren't great, but the burgers are way better than McDonalds!

[TommyK]

TommyK- ok the fries aren't great, but the burgers are way better than McDonalds!

False

[lakerfanimal]

TommyK- ok the fries aren't great, but the burgers are way better than McDonalds!

False

You like that place five guys I'm guessing?

[paratactical]

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[TommyK]

TommyK- ok the fries aren't great, but the burgers are way better than McDonalds!

False

Okay, I can understand not being an In-n-Out fan, but there's no way that anyone with taste buds can think McDonald's is better.

Chalk it up to small sample size, then. I had in-n-out once and the burger was bad... very bad.

I'm going to California again in November. I'll grab one then and doublecheck.

[paratactical]

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